France, an enemy nation, all but officially.
What is the reason for the huge cultural divide between France and the rest of the civilized world? I think perhaps the French are just misunderstood. (They do speak French, after all.) This blog will help explain the rich history, culture, and tradition of one of the world's most existent nations.
The most important thing in France is the Eiffel Tower. It is visited by millions of tourists each year. The tower is over 1000 feet tall. a penny thrown from the top could kill somebody, but that is not why most people go. Instead they go simply for the view, or sometimes just to stop and ask for directions.
The other main place to go in France is the Louvre. It is a popular museum where you can see tons of great art, so great that you are not allowed to touch it. (and they're serious about that, not like when you go to the Smithsonian.) The Louvre also now has a McDonalds.
a lot of people claim that the French do not take baths, but that is just a STEREOTYPE. I do not know why anybody would perpetuate such a hurtful generalization. Maybe it's because French people are always rude to everyone, but so what? That is just their way.
***The TRUTH about FRENCH COOKING***
1) French fries
Do they eat them? YES.
Do they like them? NO.
2) French toast
Do they eat it? NO.
Do they like it? NO.
3) French bread pizza
Do they eat it? YES.
Do they like it? YES.
So that clears that up, hopefully.
Want to be a French person for Halloween? All you need is a scarf, a beret, and a mustache! If you want to go the extra mile, get some cigarettes and a monocle. Cute costume for any young kid right there.
Fun fact: The Statue of Liberty was actually a GIFT from FRANCE! They built this big statue, but then came up with the idea for the Eiffel Tower instead, so they gave the statue to us because in those times America was still kind of starting out and didn't have a lot of monuments or landmarks yet. It's like when you buy a new flatscreen TV for yourself and give your old bulky-but-pretty-big one to your cousin that just moved into his first apartment. Statue of Liberty all up on cinderblocks, visitors having to enter through a beaded curtain...
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Coins and mayonnaise
Coins should not have ridges on the edges of them. That is a waste of effort. Blind people should be expected to just memorize the coins by size. What's the worst that could happen? If they ever got it wrong they'd be out less than a buck.
7-Up used to be a main drink, but not anymore. People drink "Sierra Mist" now. Isn't that a bizarre turn of events? It's like if Mr. Pibb suddenly became a strong contender.
a large percentage of streets are named after trees. How come children aren't? They are named after everything else, including celebrities and certain months. I want to meet a kid named Elm Smith. Oak Jones...
Bring back dunce caps. They would be good for people that try to argue in traffic court.
How come when you buy a jar of mayonnaise, it so often says "REAL mayonnaise" on it? I don't understand the reason for emphasis. Were there problems in the past where people bought and opened mayonnaise and a bunch of springy snakes popped out?
a lot of people get "skins" for their cell phones and laptop computers. The best skin to use is bear, but don't ever kill a bear just for that.
At some point in time, someone made money by inventing and marketing wax lips. Fact.
Fire hydrants serve two purposes. They are either used to put out fires, or to waste a bunch of water all over the street as children play in it. It seems like there should be a function that's somewhere in the middle. (Combine them with drinking fountains? Two birds, one stone.)
Some people like to re-enact the Civil War. When that happens, does somebody get to play Lincoln? If so I hope they just sit in their house dressed like him and make a phone call at the end. "That's enough."
7-Up used to be a main drink, but not anymore. People drink "Sierra Mist" now. Isn't that a bizarre turn of events? It's like if Mr. Pibb suddenly became a strong contender.
a large percentage of streets are named after trees. How come children aren't? They are named after everything else, including celebrities and certain months. I want to meet a kid named Elm Smith. Oak Jones...
Bring back dunce caps. They would be good for people that try to argue in traffic court.
How come when you buy a jar of mayonnaise, it so often says "REAL mayonnaise" on it? I don't understand the reason for emphasis. Were there problems in the past where people bought and opened mayonnaise and a bunch of springy snakes popped out?
a lot of people get "skins" for their cell phones and laptop computers. The best skin to use is bear, but don't ever kill a bear just for that.
At some point in time, someone made money by inventing and marketing wax lips. Fact.
Fire hydrants serve two purposes. They are either used to put out fires, or to waste a bunch of water all over the street as children play in it. It seems like there should be a function that's somewhere in the middle. (Combine them with drinking fountains? Two birds, one stone.)
Some people like to re-enact the Civil War. When that happens, does somebody get to play Lincoln? If so I hope they just sit in their house dressed like him and make a phone call at the end. "That's enough."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Jay Leno and Conan
So far the biggest story of the new decade is NBC's insane plan to give the Tonight Show back to Jay Leno.
Everybody involved in this fiasco needs to CALM DOWN. Let's not do anything RASH. (I hate when people do rash stuff.) Take a deep breath and I will explain how to fix things.
Okay first of all I have never encountered anybody that likes Jay Leno. People that have known him personally claim he is a nice guy, yet he always seems to be stabbing everybody in the back. So I'd say he is a bit two-faced (and with that face of his that is saying a LOT). I bet he does not even actually like Doritos.
What people DID like was the Tonight Show. When he stole it from Johnny Carson, he was very shrewd in not changing anything. Well he got rid of Ed, so that was one thing, but people were pretty mad at that guy anyway for all those false hopes that came in the mail. Conan's Tonight Show is very Conan, that's why it's been a difficult adjustment for people. It's like if Leno tried to make the show all about lisps and chins. People wouldn't have been receptive to that. At least not right away.
Leno's 10pm show gets very poor ratings. That is because it is just "The Jay Leno Show," which people hate, and not "The Tonight Show," which people like. It's all about Jay, there's no tradition, nobody has a fondness for it. That doesn't NECESSARILY mean that you need to CANCEL it though, you can just re-tool. Instead of his boring run-of-the-mill interviews, let the celebrities that come on the show talk about how much they hate him. I'm pretty sure a large audience would tune in to see Jay Leno getting screamed at nightly. "YOU COULDN'T HOLD JOHNNY'S JOCKSTRAP. HOW'S THAT FOR A HEADLINE?" Imagine Sandra Bullock yelling at him like that. The guests could also whack him with pillows, dump paint on his head, trash the set, etc. Anything that wouldn't actually injure him. (Injured circus animals can't perform.) and don't say you'd feel sorry for Jay, he gets paid plenty. BELIEVE me.
Conan drawing ratings at 11:30 is a little bit trickier. I'd say he should probably go the Letterman route where you do bad immoral stuff and then apologize for it on the air. People love seeing celebrities apologize for their bad behavior. (Examples: Kobe Bryant, Don Knotts.) So he could just keep pretending to make "mistakes" in life and then tell the audience that he's sorry. "Dogfighting is wrong, I realize that now." Sooner than later they would be drawing big numbers.
So THERE. Once again I have solved NBC's problems. If anybody knows anybody that works there, please tell them my ideas but do not take credit for them.
Everybody involved in this fiasco needs to CALM DOWN. Let's not do anything RASH. (I hate when people do rash stuff.) Take a deep breath and I will explain how to fix things.
Okay first of all I have never encountered anybody that likes Jay Leno. People that have known him personally claim he is a nice guy, yet he always seems to be stabbing everybody in the back. So I'd say he is a bit two-faced (and with that face of his that is saying a LOT). I bet he does not even actually like Doritos.
What people DID like was the Tonight Show. When he stole it from Johnny Carson, he was very shrewd in not changing anything. Well he got rid of Ed, so that was one thing, but people were pretty mad at that guy anyway for all those false hopes that came in the mail. Conan's Tonight Show is very Conan, that's why it's been a difficult adjustment for people. It's like if Leno tried to make the show all about lisps and chins. People wouldn't have been receptive to that. At least not right away.
Leno's 10pm show gets very poor ratings. That is because it is just "The Jay Leno Show," which people hate, and not "The Tonight Show," which people like. It's all about Jay, there's no tradition, nobody has a fondness for it. That doesn't NECESSARILY mean that you need to CANCEL it though, you can just re-tool. Instead of his boring run-of-the-mill interviews, let the celebrities that come on the show talk about how much they hate him. I'm pretty sure a large audience would tune in to see Jay Leno getting screamed at nightly. "YOU COULDN'T HOLD JOHNNY'S JOCKSTRAP. HOW'S THAT FOR A HEADLINE?" Imagine Sandra Bullock yelling at him like that. The guests could also whack him with pillows, dump paint on his head, trash the set, etc. Anything that wouldn't actually injure him. (Injured circus animals can't perform.) and don't say you'd feel sorry for Jay, he gets paid plenty. BELIEVE me.
Conan drawing ratings at 11:30 is a little bit trickier. I'd say he should probably go the Letterman route where you do bad immoral stuff and then apologize for it on the air. People love seeing celebrities apologize for their bad behavior. (Examples: Kobe Bryant, Don Knotts.) So he could just keep pretending to make "mistakes" in life and then tell the audience that he's sorry. "Dogfighting is wrong, I realize that now." Sooner than later they would be drawing big numbers.
So THERE. Once again I have solved NBC's problems. If anybody knows anybody that works there, please tell them my ideas but do not take credit for them.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Bring back pickle barrels
Why can't we have pickle barrels anymore? Stupid health codes, they ruin everything.
a giant pickle does not taste the same unless you retrieve it from a barrel. That is just scientific fact. It's like how the first bite of an apple always tastes best, and M&Ms taste different depending on color.
Do you know how they store and sell pickles now? Individual pouches. That is just no fun at all. Imagine if you went to the county fair and bought a corn dog and they just gave it to you in a sealed bag. You'd want your money back. Also the pouches are made of PLASTIC! That is BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. The wooden barrel is environmentally harmless, and when the pickles are gone you can use the barrel for other things like daredevil stunts and Halloween costumes.
The Health Department needs to get a life. What will they ban next? Chip dip? "People double-dip in there." Maybe someone will be arrested for accidentally sticking his chocolate into someone else's open peanut butter jar.
Another problem is that there are a lot of secret pickle-haters out there in society. You can spot them in restaurants. The pickle comes on the side and they never touch it. I bet some of these weirdos got to be higher-ups in the government. Their stance on pickles was never addressed during the election process. Now there is corruption.
JFK used to smoke Cuban cigars in the White House. I bet they have a pickle barrel in there. Obama probably eats a big Kosher dill every day with his lunch. Unfair.
I'm calling O'Reilly.
a giant pickle does not taste the same unless you retrieve it from a barrel. That is just scientific fact. It's like how the first bite of an apple always tastes best, and M&Ms taste different depending on color.
Do you know how they store and sell pickles now? Individual pouches. That is just no fun at all. Imagine if you went to the county fair and bought a corn dog and they just gave it to you in a sealed bag. You'd want your money back. Also the pouches are made of PLASTIC! That is BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT. The wooden barrel is environmentally harmless, and when the pickles are gone you can use the barrel for other things like daredevil stunts and Halloween costumes.
The Health Department needs to get a life. What will they ban next? Chip dip? "People double-dip in there." Maybe someone will be arrested for accidentally sticking his chocolate into someone else's open peanut butter jar.
Another problem is that there are a lot of secret pickle-haters out there in society. You can spot them in restaurants. The pickle comes on the side and they never touch it. I bet some of these weirdos got to be higher-ups in the government. Their stance on pickles was never addressed during the election process. Now there is corruption.
JFK used to smoke Cuban cigars in the White House. I bet they have a pickle barrel in there. Obama probably eats a big Kosher dill every day with his lunch. Unfair.
I'm calling O'Reilly.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Welcome to the future
Well here we are! 2010. We are officially living in the future now, and it's time to start acting like it. Here are some things that I think should be eliminated:
- Phones
Phones aren't even phones anymore. They're like mini computers that you carry around. You can text and e-mail, you don't need the telephone part. The only people that use it are ladies that want to call their boyfriends to yell at them some more when they storm off after an argument. Sorry ladies but you know it's true.
- The bus
Get it out. They take up too much space on the road and emit bad harmful fumes. Ain't nobody that needs to be riding the bus in 2010. Society has evolved to the point where we should have free cab rides for poor people. They just might have to carpool and occasionally sit on laps. and you only get a free ride if you're going someplace necessary, like the supermarket or to WORK. No free cab rides to the casino.
- Newspapers
Enough with the newspapers already! Hey old people, BUY A COMPUTER. I bet that when newspapers were invented, some old people were steadfast in still wanting to read stone tablets. Making arguments like, "Nothing is better than sitting on the toilet doing a stone tablet New York Times crossword puzzle on a Sunday morning." Are there stories in the newspaper about newspapers being obsolete and wasteful? More likely they are doing stories like, "Computers cause yet ANOTHER death! Also scientists confirm that old people are right about things."
- The circus
The circus is loud, annoying, and cruel to animals. Also there are clowns there. At least contemporize the thing. The tightrope walker should not be allowed to hold that long stick, and if he falls a tiger should get to eat him. Then some Mixed Martial Arts. Instead of clowns just have hot girls wearing too much makeup, all making balloon animals and such.
- Phones
Phones aren't even phones anymore. They're like mini computers that you carry around. You can text and e-mail, you don't need the telephone part. The only people that use it are ladies that want to call their boyfriends to yell at them some more when they storm off after an argument. Sorry ladies but you know it's true.
- The bus
Get it out. They take up too much space on the road and emit bad harmful fumes. Ain't nobody that needs to be riding the bus in 2010. Society has evolved to the point where we should have free cab rides for poor people. They just might have to carpool and occasionally sit on laps. and you only get a free ride if you're going someplace necessary, like the supermarket or to WORK. No free cab rides to the casino.
- Newspapers
Enough with the newspapers already! Hey old people, BUY A COMPUTER. I bet that when newspapers were invented, some old people were steadfast in still wanting to read stone tablets. Making arguments like, "Nothing is better than sitting on the toilet doing a stone tablet New York Times crossword puzzle on a Sunday morning." Are there stories in the newspaper about newspapers being obsolete and wasteful? More likely they are doing stories like, "Computers cause yet ANOTHER death! Also scientists confirm that old people are right about things."
- The circus
The circus is loud, annoying, and cruel to animals. Also there are clowns there. At least contemporize the thing. The tightrope walker should not be allowed to hold that long stick, and if he falls a tiger should get to eat him. Then some Mixed Martial Arts. Instead of clowns just have hot girls wearing too much makeup, all making balloon animals and such.
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