People getting killed by icicles

How does this happen? Seems PRETTY unlikely, but everyone swears by it. They yell at you all "DON'T STAND UNDER THAT ICICLE, YOU'LL BE KILLED!" Yesterday I stood under an icicle for TWO HOURS and nothing happened. So who's right and who's wrong? Let's look at the FACTS.

First of all I will concede that icicles can grow to be very sharp and heavy. That does seem like a lethal combination. But here's the thing, icicles don't just fall down at random. They stay frozen and attached until it gets warm, and then they melt. It is an important part of the cycle of life. God knew what he was doing when he invented stuff like icicles.

Now you're going to say "but I heard that a whole roof collapsed from too many icicles and twelve old ladies got crushed in an avalanche of ice." Well come on you can't blame the ICICLES for that. Weak roof. Too much of anything on a roof will make it collapse. Put 4,000 pounds of jellybeans on a roof and see if a catastrophe doesn't happen.

(Note: Don't do that REALLY.)

and here's an important question. Why would anybody be underneath an icicle? Is someone painting his house in WINTER? No one leans up against a house or building unless they are smoking or up to some kind of other trouble. If a guy is hiding in an alleyway waiting to sell drugs or do bad murders and an icicle falls on him, I'm all for it.

and EVEN WHEN THAT HAPPENS, what are the odds that the icicle is going to fall and pierce you right through the top of your head? 1 out of 3 at best. You have two shoulders it could fall on, but only one head. I like those odds. Maybe it makes a sound before it falls. If that happens, GET OUT OF THE WAY. Don't stand right underneath it looking straight up like "What's with this icicle? Looks like it's gonna fal..." Ice and brains everywhere.

Why does McDonalds sponsor the Olympics?

Those two things have nothing to do with each other. Ain't nobody in the Olympics that eats Big Macs. It's like Pizza Hut sponsoring the Miss Teen USA pageant, or Long John Silver's sponsoring...anything.

I challenge any Olympian to come forward and announce that cheeseburgers and Coca-Cola were a part of their training regimen. You're probably thinking "Hey, what about the snowboarders?" Well it may be true that snowboarders are frequently high and childish, but they are also vegetarian. I will concede that they probably do eat a lot of french fries and apple pies, but that is kind of a kooky exception.

In fact maybe McDonalds should think about sponsoring the X Games. Shaun White could be the new Ronald. All he needs is yellow pajamas and some make-up. Imagine Ronald McDonald on the half pipe. He turns to the camera and says "I'm lovin' it!" while in mid-air. They wouldn't even have to use special effects.

The Olympic rings, when merged with the McDonalds arches, look like this:

That would be kind of a cool Olympic mascot, I gotta say. Looks like John Lennon (also vegetarian).

Valentine's Day

If there's one thing people love it's holidays and if there's one holiday people love it's Valentine's Day. It's the one day per year when men pay attention to ladies. The rest of the time they are only interested in cars and work. I have seen this on television and in movies.

Valentine's Day is named after SAINT Valentine. He was this priest in old tymes that would perform secret weddings after the emperor said nobody could get married anymore (what a nut). He fell in love with the daughter of his jailer and wrote her the first "Valentine." When he got out of jail he took her to Olive Garden.

(Only kidding, they chopped his head off.)

So to celebrate this man there are several traditions. The main one is getting out your wallet. You gotta buy flowers, candy, movie tickets, dinner, a Jane Seymour open heart necklace, and a bear. Unless you are single in which case you don't have to buy anything. Well you can still buy some of that stuff for yourself but it's optional.

Another tradition is that kids in school pass out little tiny Valentine's Day cards to each other. The boys even give them to other boys because they don't want the girls to get the wrong idea. To gloss over the awkwardness of the exchange, the Valentines have pictures of Superman and Bugs Bunny and He-man on them. "By the Power of Greyskull, be my Valentine!" That sort of thing.

People also like to eat these tiny little heart candies that have romantic messages written on them. But since they are tiny the romance has to be summed up in like seven letters. "Be Mine," "Want U," "Put Out," etc.

They say that Valentine's Day occurs on February 14th because that was St. Valentine's birthday. That is a lie. People did not have "birthdays" back then, nobody ever remembered to write stuff down. (Exception: the Bible.) The TRUTH is that Valentine's Day is February 14th because that is about as long after the spring as a holiday can possibly be. Nobody can grow their own flowers! See how they getcha? Flowers were meant to be free. What's next, paying for AIR? or mp3s? It never ends, this corruption.

Superbowl commercials are not good

If you've ever been to a Superbowl party, I'm sure you've noticed there's always at least one idiot that says "the best part is the COMMERCIALS!" If this person is you, STOP SAYING THAT. Okay maybe you don't like football. Maybe you just wanted to socialize. But if you really feel you need to emphasize the point that you don't like or understand football, and are bored by the CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, for God's sake PICK SOMETHING ELSE.

Some ideas:

"The best part is the food."

"The best part is getting boozed up on a work night."

"The best part is seeing all my good friends."


Most Superbowl ads fall into two categories:

a) Talking animals

or else (more recently)

b) Talking babies

ENOUGH ALREADY. What animal hasn't been used in a Superbowl commercial yet? a dancing snake? a rapping mule? How about a chorus of CGI maggots singing about how much they love it when somebody drops a Big Mac Snack Wrap on the ground?

and then there's Monday morning. Chipper receptionists everywhere going into work unable to wait to discuss which talking animals they liked best. Your local morning radio DJs debate whether the baby throwing up was too gross or not. Hey does anybody actually want to talk about the GAME?

If that's too much to ask, at least bring back the halftime nudity. That was great when they did that. Everybody was excited about something else for once. "Did you see that breast?" "Yeah, what was that metal thing on it?" "I need to see that breast again!" "Let's image-search that breast on Google."