Valentine's Day

If there's one thing people love it's holidays and if there's one holiday people love it's Valentine's Day. It's the one day per year when men pay attention to ladies. The rest of the time they are only interested in cars and work. I have seen this on television and in movies.

Valentine's Day is named after SAINT Valentine. He was this priest in old tymes that would perform secret weddings after the emperor said nobody could get married anymore (what a nut). He fell in love with the daughter of his jailer and wrote her the first "Valentine." When he got out of jail he took her to Olive Garden.

(Only kidding, they chopped his head off.)

So to celebrate this man there are several traditions. The main one is getting out your wallet. You gotta buy flowers, candy, movie tickets, dinner, a Jane Seymour open heart necklace, and a bear. Unless you are single in which case you don't have to buy anything. Well you can still buy some of that stuff for yourself but it's optional.

Another tradition is that kids in school pass out little tiny Valentine's Day cards to each other. The boys even give them to other boys because they don't want the girls to get the wrong idea. To gloss over the awkwardness of the exchange, the Valentines have pictures of Superman and Bugs Bunny and He-man on them. "By the Power of Greyskull, be my Valentine!" That sort of thing.

People also like to eat these tiny little heart candies that have romantic messages written on them. But since they are tiny the romance has to be summed up in like seven letters. "Be Mine," "Want U," "Put Out," etc.

They say that Valentine's Day occurs on February 14th because that was St. Valentine's birthday. That is a lie. People did not have "birthdays" back then, nobody ever remembered to write stuff down. (Exception: the Bible.) The TRUTH is that Valentine's Day is February 14th because that is about as long after the spring as a holiday can possibly be. Nobody can grow their own flowers! See how they getcha? Flowers were meant to be free. What's next, paying for AIR? or mp3s? It never ends, this corruption.