Volcano!

The big news this past week was the eruption of a volcano in Iceland, and the subsequent mayhem that ensued. The entire continent of Europe was shrouded in a massive cloud of ash. Many airline flights and falconing shows had to be cancelled. People were stranded for many days. Women that were whisked off to Paris for a romantic rendez-vous weekend were stuck there so long that they got fat and crabby again. All of this happened completely without warning, except for the multiple earthquakes that were detected exactly underneath the volcano over the past few months.

Those of you with little education may not fully understand what a volcano is, so I will explain it to you. Inside the earth there are many hot and dangerous things. There is lava, fire, MAGMA, poison gas, smoke, and sediments. When something causes a tremor beneath the surface, like an earthquake or a train full of elephants falling over, some of the bad stuff bubbles over and escapes through a rupture in the earth's crust. It's a very bad scene for anyone that is standing around the volcano when this happens, so most scientists advise that you stay away from them. Then again scientists are always saying not to do everyday things, such as drink beer or poke q-tips into your ear canal, so their advice is always to be taken with a grain of salt.

Volcanoes are a part of nature, but also very bad for the environment. It is an inconsistency that most people choose to overlook, like how Bugs Bunny cartoons were sort of racist sometimes.

BREAKING (BAD) NEWS: Apparently there is an even larger volcano right next to the erupting volcano and the President of Iceland says that one is probably gonna erupt, too. He says that governments and airports need to accept the reality of this impending doom and make the necessary preparations. I'm really not sure how he expects people to PREPARE for a volcanic eruption that's a thousand miles away.

"Do your Christmas shopping early this year."

"If you're painting a fence, pick a color other than white cause it's probably gonna get dirty."

Miracle Whip needs to calm down

Hey if you ever watch TV you may have seen these commercials in which Miracle Whip is aggressively calling out mayonnaise for being old-fashioned and boring.

What?

This is why I always say it don't take too much in the noggin to work in advertising. The Miracle Whip people sat down at a meeting and this is what happened:

"Okay umm everyone says Miracle Whip is gross. How can we change that?"

"We can't!"

"Well okay then ummm how can we sell more Miracle Whip anyway?"

"Get people to stop buying mayonnaise!"

"Okay umm how?"

"Say that it's bad!"

"It isn't bad though."

"Say that it's gay!"

"Can't."

"Say...that only jerks buy mayonnaise!"

"Hmmm okay good plan let's break for lunch, what do you want?"

"Anything but Miracle Whip it's TERRIBLE!"


Here are some facts.

1) You know what Miracle Whip is made out of? MAYONNAISE. They just mix in a bunch of other stuff. So Miracle Whip is attacking its own principal ingredient. It's like if potato salad came out all ready to start a fight saying "Man, mayonnaise SUCKS a BIG ONE don't eat that stuff" and then "...unless you add potatoes, celery, mustard, sweet pickles, and a little paprika to it!"

2) You know who makes Miracle Whip? Kraft. You know what else Kraft makes? MAYONNAISE. WHAT THE HELL?

Kraft also makes about a million other popular food items. Is this marketing strategy going to continue? "Hey yo spaghetti is wack, you should only eat macaroni and cheese." "You still eat ice cream? That is so 90s. Try just a big bowl of Cool Whip instead!"

The negative campaigning has got to stop. First all the Presidents were doing it and now this. Miracle Whip just better hope that mayo doesn't strike BACK cause there's lots that could be said, believe me.

"Hey Miracle Whip...didn't your company used to sell...cigarettes?"

"Did not...your chicken salad recipe...once ruin a baby shower..."

Public broadcasting

The first public TV station was launched in 1952. The programming was not good. It was mostly an old man sitting in a chair reading books. a few weeks later, after numerous viewer complaints, he started to read them out loud. Sometime after that they introduced a bunch of dancing puppets, and things were officially off and running.

Since that time, public broadcasting has flourished. There are now hundreds of TV and radio stations in every part of the country, and all of them spend about 90% of their broadcast days threatening to go off the air. It's always "we need to raise $106 dollars in the next 55 minutes or we're gonna take away all your favorite shows." Is that a THREAT? "Give us one million dollars or the next episode of Nova will be scientists demonstrating how to blow up a bridge. Possibly one in YOUR TOWN."

Then they try to come up with these extra little incentives to get you to send them money. "Mail in $200 and you get this cool TOTE BAG! If you can't afford that send $175 and you get a button."

There is also this tactic they use on the radio where if they find out you listened without paying they call you on the phone and accuse you of being a cheapskate live on the air. "We know you listened to All Things Considered. Your roommate turned you in. He says you got some real deep pockets but never throw a buck to anyone for anything. Says you're so cheap, you went to Denny's and snuck in your own coffee. Says you went to the art museum and looked at everything through the window. Now that's CHEAP."

Some members of the police force specialize in hostage negotiations. I wonder if they ever call the pledge drives? Like if time is running out and things are getting tense. "I'm sending over a pizza but I want to see a full episode of Masterpiece Theater first. We can work this out, I know we can."

Negotiations break down, Kermit the Frog loses a finger, everybody's screaming, someone steals all the tote bags and flees the station...

What's with these people that own "Happy Birthday?"

Give it back!

If you don't know what I'm talking about, there are these people that own the rights to the song "Happy Birthday to You" and will not let anybody sing it unless you give them a hefty royalty check. They have had trouble enforcing this because people like to sing that song a LOT, especially at birthday parties.

They can really only catch you if you sing the song in a movie or on TV. That is hard evidence. For this reason, nobody ever sings "Happy Birthday" on television. They sing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" instead, which is a dumb song that nobody likes. Have you ever heard anybody sing that song for any reason in real life? Try busting out with it when someone at your workplace gets a promotion. No one will join in.

I spent all morning trying to find out exactly who the Happy Birthday people are, but could not. But I'm not giving up. These people are hiding in a mansion somewhere, getting fat off Happy Birthday royalty checks and laughing at us.

ATTENTION HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEOPLE: I WILL FIND YOU.

I know that you are reading this because you probably Google "Happy Birthday" every five seconds to make sure nobody is getting away with anything. I hereby DEMAND that you REVEAL YOURSELVES and stop charging everybody money to sing Happy Birthday. Otherwise I am gonna track you down and knock on the doors of all your neighbors and tell them what you're up to. I will do this by infiltrating the post office and asking if anybody knows of a mansion that a lot of checks are being sent to. Not too many people live in mansions.

and by the way, to whoever wrote "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," I'm onto you too. I know that you really just ripped off "The Bear Went Over the Mountain." If you want to prevent me from telling everyone, e-mail me so we can discuss some bribes.