and hey, why not? It's only 31 days away. The sooner you cover the front of your home with fake cobwebs, the better.
If I may DISPENSE with the SARCASM, I would like to say that I am VERY ASHAMED of all of you. There's no Halloween "season." I think everyone is confused by Christmas. Christmas involves a lot of shopping, caroling, cookie-baking, tree-decorating, football games, holiday specials, hot tub parties, trips to visit Santa at the mall, sleigh-riding, school pageants, snowball fights, and church. It takes a long time to get that all in, and it's nice to see holiday decorations around while you're doing it.
Halloween isn't like that at all. Once you buy the candy, costumes, and carve a pumpkin, you don't have to do anything Halloween-oriented until the 31st. and that's good, because a lot of other stuff is happening in October! Politicians are screaming at each other for being immoral liars as Election Day draws near. Baseball season is almost over. Doesn't anybody care about the WORLD SERIES anymore? and what about OKTOBERFEST? You can get drunk during the day and not hide it! and I think a certain Mr. Christopher Columbus (ever heard of HIM?) would have a thing or two to say about jumping the gun with this Halloween garbage.
Yet here we are, still in September and you can't visit a store or walk your dog or loiter on a neighborhood street without seeing witches and mummies and happy little ghosts. What are all these ghosts SMILING at? Because they know Thanksgiving is gonna get the shaft again?
Some will try to argue, "Well we do it because it's fun for the kids." Shut-up. Since when does anybody care what kids like? They'd eat candy for breakfast on the 4th of July if you let them. If you want kids to be happy stop giving them so much homework.
I am gonna make a point by celebrating all holidays six weeks ahead of time. May 21st? Break out the fireworks. February 3rd? Drunk on green beer in public. November 20th? HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Another thing I might try, when people put up their Halloween decorations too soon, is stealing them and throwing them away. That can become a new tradition, like pinching someone for not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day.
By the way I will not celebrate Thanksgiving six weeks ahead of time in case people think I am Canadian.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Mr. Wizard
Mr. Wizard was a popular television institution, perhaps enjoying his most memorable run on "Mr. Wizard's World" on Nickelodeon in the 1980s. Everybody watched it, unless you were po and had no cable. (Po meaning POOR, as opposed to PISSED OFF, but if you couldn't watch Mr. Wizard you should have been that too.)
What is a wizard? a mythological magician, a person with inherent supernatural powers that cannot be explained by logic or science. So you can see where Mr. Wizard got his name.
The concept of the show was simple. Neighborhood children would wander into the home of an elderly science enthusiast and catch him in the middle of conducting an experiment. Luckily they never happened to burst in on him doing other things. "Mr. Wizard why are you drinking whiskey, sitting in a chair staring at very old photographs, and crying?" "Gee Mr. Wizard, you're putting on ladies' toenail polish? What kind of experiment is this?"
The neat thing about Mr. Wizard was that it was probably the only show that encouraged children to "try this at home." Kids are always getting yelled at not to do the things they see on TV. Don't jump off your roof thinking you can fly like Superman, or joyride on a forklift or bicycle like Laverne and Shirley. But Mr. Wizard wasn't like that. "I just sucked a hard boiled egg into a milk bottle, now YOU try it!"
Mr. Wizard passed away a few years ago. He was once quoted as saying, "My time on this earth is getting shorter and shorter each day, but no matter how old I get, and even when I am dead, Mr. Wizard's World will never die." He then uploaded a bunch of old clips onto youtube to ensure it.
I like that quote much better than the recent words of Bill Nye the Science Guy, who stated in an interview "After I'm dead, I still WON'T be dead. You'll ALLLLLL see!"
What is a wizard? a mythological magician, a person with inherent supernatural powers that cannot be explained by logic or science. So you can see where Mr. Wizard got his name.
The concept of the show was simple. Neighborhood children would wander into the home of an elderly science enthusiast and catch him in the middle of conducting an experiment. Luckily they never happened to burst in on him doing other things. "Mr. Wizard why are you drinking whiskey, sitting in a chair staring at very old photographs, and crying?" "Gee Mr. Wizard, you're putting on ladies' toenail polish? What kind of experiment is this?"
The neat thing about Mr. Wizard was that it was probably the only show that encouraged children to "try this at home." Kids are always getting yelled at not to do the things they see on TV. Don't jump off your roof thinking you can fly like Superman, or joyride on a forklift or bicycle like Laverne and Shirley. But Mr. Wizard wasn't like that. "I just sucked a hard boiled egg into a milk bottle, now YOU try it!"
Mr. Wizard passed away a few years ago. He was once quoted as saying, "My time on this earth is getting shorter and shorter each day, but no matter how old I get, and even when I am dead, Mr. Wizard's World will never die." He then uploaded a bunch of old clips onto youtube to ensure it.
I like that quote much better than the recent words of Bill Nye the Science Guy, who stated in an interview "After I'm dead, I still WON'T be dead. You'll ALLLLLL see!"
Saturday, September 18, 2010
a blog about FRUIT
Bananas are probably the most popular. They are easy to eat, loaded with POTASSIUM, and come with a free sticker. and the part you throw away is on the OUTSIDE. That is tons convenient. Most other fruits are pretty on the outside, but there is something nasty lurking in the middle. How much of the peach can you get away with eating before you encounter the pit? If I asked that question rhetorically it could be SONG lyrics.
Do you like eating an orange? Me too. You peel it, scrape the white stuff off, take it apart, get rid of the seeds, wash your hands, eat the orange, spit out the seeds you missed, and then wash your hands again. Satisfying snack right there. Perfect for on-the-go.
Once you get a piece of apple skin between your teeth, you are fucked for life. So how come nobody ever peels an apple? It's because a peeled apple looks uncomfortably naked. If someone handed you one you would have to smell it to figure out what it was. Imagine a peeled apple with little arms and legs quickly putting a towel on. "Do you MIND?"
If you smashed a coconut and a pineapple together, which would win? How come fruits that complement alcohol also tend to make the best weapons? Does a drunk, angry guy in a bar ever start swinging a pineapple around threateningly? Another guy picks up a coconut for defense. Everyone else flees.
a cherry goes on the top of a sundae. There should be another one hidden at the bottom. Everyone would like that.
Not too many people eat mangos. That's why they lend themselves so well to gourmet cuisine. No frame of reference. "Here is some goose liver with chipotle mango dressing. If you don't like this then you just don't know good food!" If you know what the fruit tastes like ahead of time, you are more skeptical. "Here is a steak with some blueberries." "Hey, that ain't right."
Grapes are neat because they turn into raisins, and that is a completely different food! and then even wine will eventually turn into vinegar. All without having to do anything. When you leave other foods sitting around they just turn into garbage. Sometimes I like to give false hopes to children. "Leave a peanut out on your windowsill. In the morning it will turn to metal."
If you ever order a fruit basket, make sure you know what's in it! Otherwise they could take liberties. "Here's your fruit basket, sir. Figs, yellow apples, and a grapefruit." Don't get burned like I did.
Do you like eating an orange? Me too. You peel it, scrape the white stuff off, take it apart, get rid of the seeds, wash your hands, eat the orange, spit out the seeds you missed, and then wash your hands again. Satisfying snack right there. Perfect for on-the-go.
Once you get a piece of apple skin between your teeth, you are fucked for life. So how come nobody ever peels an apple? It's because a peeled apple looks uncomfortably naked. If someone handed you one you would have to smell it to figure out what it was. Imagine a peeled apple with little arms and legs quickly putting a towel on. "Do you MIND?"
If you smashed a coconut and a pineapple together, which would win? How come fruits that complement alcohol also tend to make the best weapons? Does a drunk, angry guy in a bar ever start swinging a pineapple around threateningly? Another guy picks up a coconut for defense. Everyone else flees.
a cherry goes on the top of a sundae. There should be another one hidden at the bottom. Everyone would like that.
Not too many people eat mangos. That's why they lend themselves so well to gourmet cuisine. No frame of reference. "Here is some goose liver with chipotle mango dressing. If you don't like this then you just don't know good food!" If you know what the fruit tastes like ahead of time, you are more skeptical. "Here is a steak with some blueberries." "Hey, that ain't right."
Grapes are neat because they turn into raisins, and that is a completely different food! and then even wine will eventually turn into vinegar. All without having to do anything. When you leave other foods sitting around they just turn into garbage. Sometimes I like to give false hopes to children. "Leave a peanut out on your windowsill. In the morning it will turn to metal."
If you ever order a fruit basket, make sure you know what's in it! Otherwise they could take liberties. "Here's your fruit basket, sir. Figs, yellow apples, and a grapefruit." Don't get burned like I did.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Cops
Cops have good attention to detail.
"The suspect is a 5'6" Korean male wearing a grey hoodie, dark pants, black leather belt, a pair of Nike Air Force Ones, no socks, and a Lance Armstrong cancer bracelet. He sped off in a 2001 Hyundai Elantra GLS Sedan, color either mahogany or sinopia, with a taped up rear-view mirror and approximately 1/4 of a roll of masking tape on the dashboard."
I could never be a cop.
Someone: "Hey what kind of car do you drive?"
Me: "a blue one."
Someone: "Cool, what year is it?"
Me: "It's.....I don't know, I forgot to ask the guy."
Can you be a police officer if you are afraid of horses? No, but I bet some of them try to fake it.
"You're on horse patrol today."
"Ummm, okay. I'll meet you there."
Then later...
"WHERE WERE YOU? You never showed up to get on the horse."
"Oh I thought you meant we'd meet AT the parade."
"Are you stupid? You know we always meet at the secret underground police horse stable."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Gee too bad I missed my chance to ride the horse."
"No you didn't, he's right behind you!"
"AHHH!"
Cops usually like to call you "sir." They would make good butlers. They dress neatly, show up for work on time, and are attentive to people's needs. Then again most butlers are murderers, so it would be a conflict of interest.
Some cops work "undercover." That means they get to dress up as somebody else. Then when they catch somebody doing something wrong, they say "a-HA! I wasn't REALLY a vagrant!" It's like Halloween and April Fools Day rolled into one, plus you get to throw somebody in jail at the end.
Police officers provide a huge variety of services. I wonder how they decide which cops get to do what stuff? "Officer 1, you'll be riding around in a patrol car all night. Officer 2, you'll be standing outside Tom Petty's door and guarding him. Officer 3, put this hat on and go pretend to look for hookers. Officer 4, an old lady may be dead in a retirement home bathtub. Go check it out. Officer 5, it's after 8pm. Go make sure nobody is still at the beach. Officer 6, go to a place where an ambulance and two fire trucks have already arrived and ask if there's anything you can do."
It is against the law to offer a policeman a bribe. Where is the line drawn there? If they show up at a suspect's house, can his elderly Italian mother be like "He's-a not here. But come IN! I made a nice-a manicotti. You boys are too THIN! Eat! EAT!"
or an artist in the park...
"While you were snooping around for people selling drugs, I sketched this portrait of you. I would like you to have it."
"That's a great portrait, sir, but no thanks."
"Come on, take it. It's you. No one else would want this."
"The suspect is a 5'6" Korean male wearing a grey hoodie, dark pants, black leather belt, a pair of Nike Air Force Ones, no socks, and a Lance Armstrong cancer bracelet. He sped off in a 2001 Hyundai Elantra GLS Sedan, color either mahogany or sinopia, with a taped up rear-view mirror and approximately 1/4 of a roll of masking tape on the dashboard."
I could never be a cop.
Someone: "Hey what kind of car do you drive?"
Me: "a blue one."
Someone: "Cool, what year is it?"
Me: "It's.....I don't know, I forgot to ask the guy."
Can you be a police officer if you are afraid of horses? No, but I bet some of them try to fake it.
"You're on horse patrol today."
"Ummm, okay. I'll meet you there."
Then later...
"WHERE WERE YOU? You never showed up to get on the horse."
"Oh I thought you meant we'd meet AT the parade."
"Are you stupid? You know we always meet at the secret underground police horse stable."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Gee too bad I missed my chance to ride the horse."
"No you didn't, he's right behind you!"
"AHHH!"
Cops usually like to call you "sir." They would make good butlers. They dress neatly, show up for work on time, and are attentive to people's needs. Then again most butlers are murderers, so it would be a conflict of interest.
Some cops work "undercover." That means they get to dress up as somebody else. Then when they catch somebody doing something wrong, they say "a-HA! I wasn't REALLY a vagrant!" It's like Halloween and April Fools Day rolled into one, plus you get to throw somebody in jail at the end.
Police officers provide a huge variety of services. I wonder how they decide which cops get to do what stuff? "Officer 1, you'll be riding around in a patrol car all night. Officer 2, you'll be standing outside Tom Petty's door and guarding him. Officer 3, put this hat on and go pretend to look for hookers. Officer 4, an old lady may be dead in a retirement home bathtub. Go check it out. Officer 5, it's after 8pm. Go make sure nobody is still at the beach. Officer 6, go to a place where an ambulance and two fire trucks have already arrived and ask if there's anything you can do."
It is against the law to offer a policeman a bribe. Where is the line drawn there? If they show up at a suspect's house, can his elderly Italian mother be like "He's-a not here. But come IN! I made a nice-a manicotti. You boys are too THIN! Eat! EAT!"
or an artist in the park...
"While you were snooping around for people selling drugs, I sketched this portrait of you. I would like you to have it."
"That's a great portrait, sir, but no thanks."
"Come on, take it. It's you. No one else would want this."
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Posture
From the moment you are born, you are told that good posture is important.
Is it true?
YES! All the corrective braces and schooltime yardstick beatings are worth it in the long run. Think about it. Have you ever seen a person all bent and slouchy that is:
- Getting married?
- Taking an Oath of Office?
- Starring in a blockbuster action thriller?
No you have not. and those are some of the main things people want to DO!
Some other things they are left out of:
- Playing a harp on a stage
- Climbing a telephone pole just like the pros do
- Diving into water from heights
- Fencing
- Lording over the grill at family BBQs
- Being the front half of a two-person animal costume at Halloween
- Breakdancing
- Civil War re-enacting
- Being respected by co-workers
- Being waved at by a pretty girl that is hanging out the window of a train
- Working as a mall Santa
- Working as a mall Jesus
- Singing in barber shop quartets
- Being mistaken for celebrities
- Most sex stuff
- Human cannonballing (you won't fit right)
- Parades
This is not to say that you can't do ANYTHING in life if you don't have good posture. But, to be real, your options are pretty much limited to:
- Working at Arby's
- Sitting in the town square playing a flute to charm a snake
- Billiards
and good luck being able to buy/capture a flute or snake, by the way.
Is it true?
YES! All the corrective braces and schooltime yardstick beatings are worth it in the long run. Think about it. Have you ever seen a person all bent and slouchy that is:
- Getting married?
- Taking an Oath of Office?
- Starring in a blockbuster action thriller?
No you have not. and those are some of the main things people want to DO!
Some other things they are left out of:
- Playing a harp on a stage
- Climbing a telephone pole just like the pros do
- Diving into water from heights
- Fencing
- Lording over the grill at family BBQs
- Being the front half of a two-person animal costume at Halloween
- Breakdancing
- Civil War re-enacting
- Being respected by co-workers
- Being waved at by a pretty girl that is hanging out the window of a train
- Working as a mall Santa
- Working as a mall Jesus
- Singing in barber shop quartets
- Being mistaken for celebrities
- Most sex stuff
- Human cannonballing (you won't fit right)
- Parades
This is not to say that you can't do ANYTHING in life if you don't have good posture. But, to be real, your options are pretty much limited to:
- Working at Arby's
- Sitting in the town square playing a flute to charm a snake
- Billiards
and good luck being able to buy/capture a flute or snake, by the way.
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