I have never seen a homeless person on a skateboard. How come? Seems like a good way to get around. and if you think nobody would want to give money to a person on a skateboard, just wait until you see the TRICKS.
How come there's no big brand name half and half? I never see commercials for it, at least. Is it just a thing nobody is the best at making? Cause there's tons of potential, you just change up the ratio to 53/47 or something. That becomes the secret recipe. You could call it "Whole."
People always lose their glasses. Does anyone lose a hearing aid? I never see any hearing aids left behind on the bus or at parties. "Did someone lose a hearing aid?" "WHAT?"
Ever been to a blind person's house? No mirrors! If you feel like your hair is out of place you have to fix it in the toaster. Don't mess with the light/dark switch though, blind people like to make toast without checking.
You know what's sad? a blind clown. Needs extra help with the make-up, needs a ride to all the gigs, balloon animals are never exactly right...
How come yogurt only comes in one size? You should be able to get it in a larger tub like happens with sour cream. and don't say "you can just eat two!" Nobody does that.
Want to come off as a wine expert? Just sip wine and use words that have nothing to do with wine. "This one is kind of woody." "This one is chocolatey, yet triangular."
When you see a police car parked at a pizza place, what is your initial thought? Is it "hey some cops are eating pizza" or is it "a delivery guy must be missing/MURDERED." There are places you don't expect to see cops, like at the beach. If you see a cop at the beach you know somebody died. Or at amusement parks. Cops at amusement parks are never being amused. They are very serious, asking questions like "who fell out?" or "where's the guy that was touching people?"
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The girl that's going to school in her pajamas
Okay if you haven't seen this commercial there is this girl that is excited to be getting an education online. I'm thrilled for her, I'm sure she will become a great doctor or scientist or whatever she wants to be.
Now if they are running these ads so frequently that says to me that they must be working. Who is taking this girl's opinion on where to get a COLLEGE EDUCATION? "That girl is cute so I think I will study online to be a pharmacist."
and so what if she's cute? It's not like you get to go to CLASS with her. She does everything from HOME.
I can understand using cute ladies in advertising if it's something like cigarettes or milk but, man, CAR INSURANCE? Is somebody out there changing their car insurance plan because they have a thing for Progressive Flo? Or the Erin Esurance CARTOON?
a lot of people have trouble selling a home, especially if it has a leaky roof or bad wiring or something. They should get a hot lady to stand in front of the house waving her arms so someone will BUY it.
They use funny cartoons to pitch cereal to children. a lady with big boobs should pitch cereal to adults. "Eat some Kix, then you can DO me!"
Some things that great-looking ladies tend to advertise:
- Beer
- Car washes
- Cologne
- Shaving stuff
- Yogurt
- Tic Tacs
- Booty Pop
- The news
One thing that doesn't work though is political ads. You can't get a lady to be like "Vote for Obama, he is GOOD!" People want to see the real guy or lady that's running for the office. John McCain tried to do that Sarah Palin thing and it blew up in his face. Now everybody hates and mistrusts her and all she can do is write books.
Too bad, I would like to see her in commercials sometimes. "I'm running for President in my PAJAMAS!"
Something like that.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Hawaii
So America has become a much different place in that there are now bad snow and ice storms in every state. All of the teachers and scientists that spent years talking up "global warming" should be sanctioned and then fired. It's colder than ever! Most earmuff companies are reporting that sales are through the roof. There have been many school closings, even in states like Alabama and Mississippi where all the kids were way behind ALREADY.
The lone exception is the always-reliable Hawaii, which is still a tropical paradise. Most people would like to go to Hawaii. It is the most popular adult vacation spot besides maybe Las Vegas, but people only want to go to Las Vegas to do bad immoral stuff. When people get back from Hawaii, they can't wait to show you the pictures. When they get back from Vegas they just want to make quick trips to church, the bank, and maybe the V.D. clinic and then pretend none of it ever happened.
The catch, of course, is that Hawaii is REALLY FAR AWAY. So it's hard and expensive to get to. It has to be that way though otherwise everybody would go all the time. Including people that nobody wants around, like happens at Disney and Wal-mart.
Some dumb questions that tourists ask while in Hawaii...
"What time is it in America right now?"
"Do you take American money?"
"Do you know where Hawaii 5-0 is being filmed?"
"Who is the President here?"
"How come nobody is dressed like a Hawaiian person?"
"Do you have Burger King here?"
"Are we allowed to look inside the volcanoes?"
"What religion are people here?"
"Is there anything good on the other islands?"
"Is Alaska your friend or enemy?"
"Can you direct us to the Magnum P.I. museum?"
"Where are the bathrooms?"
To any native Hawaiians on the street...
"Do you work here?"
and of course, to any Caucasian-Hawaiians...
"Where are you from?"
BUT! It is still okay to want to do "Hawaiian stuff" while you're there. They know that's why you came. So there is lots of fun to be had! They have luaus, hula dancing, surfing, ukelele concerts, lei greetings, palm tree climbing, poi eating, pizza with pineapple on it, false idols, Hawaiian shirts, whales, and sights. Everything is safe and supervised, so jump right in!
Some history...
Hawaii used to be its own kingdom, but it didn't work out. There were too many islands to keep tabs on (there are over 100!) and then one of the kings died without remembering to have any kids. So they tried "electing" a king but they didn't have any voting booths or printed ballots to rely on so you can imagine how that went. Tons of election fraud, a lot of people tried to get away with voting twice and stuff.
So AS USUAL the United States had to step in and clean up another country's mess. They helped overthrow the monarchy (if it had been George W. Bush doing it there would have been such worldwide uproar) and Hawaii became at first its own republic, then a "territory," then eventually a STATE. This caused huge problems because the U.S. had to design all new flags, after having just done the same thing for Alaska a year earlier. Think of how many flags you see in a day, then try to imagine how many there are in the whole country. and since you can't throw flags out in the garbage they all had to be respectfully burned, which of course causes air pollution, which in theory causes GLOBAL WARMING, and yet like I said it is now cold and snowing EVERYWHERE except Hawaii.
So what gives?
For more information on a Hawaiian vacation you can try calling their official tourism authority or visitors bureau. I don't have the numbers but if you find them remember that it's much earlier there so you should probably call at night.
The lone exception is the always-reliable Hawaii, which is still a tropical paradise. Most people would like to go to Hawaii. It is the most popular adult vacation spot besides maybe Las Vegas, but people only want to go to Las Vegas to do bad immoral stuff. When people get back from Hawaii, they can't wait to show you the pictures. When they get back from Vegas they just want to make quick trips to church, the bank, and maybe the V.D. clinic and then pretend none of it ever happened.
The catch, of course, is that Hawaii is REALLY FAR AWAY. So it's hard and expensive to get to. It has to be that way though otherwise everybody would go all the time. Including people that nobody wants around, like happens at Disney and Wal-mart.
Some dumb questions that tourists ask while in Hawaii...
"What time is it in America right now?"
"Do you take American money?"
"Do you know where Hawaii 5-0 is being filmed?"
"Who is the President here?"
"How come nobody is dressed like a Hawaiian person?"
"Do you have Burger King here?"
"Are we allowed to look inside the volcanoes?"
"What religion are people here?"
"Is there anything good on the other islands?"
"Is Alaska your friend or enemy?"
"Can you direct us to the Magnum P.I. museum?"
"Where are the bathrooms?"
To any native Hawaiians on the street...
"Do you work here?"
and of course, to any Caucasian-Hawaiians...
"Where are you from?"
BUT! It is still okay to want to do "Hawaiian stuff" while you're there. They know that's why you came. So there is lots of fun to be had! They have luaus, hula dancing, surfing, ukelele concerts, lei greetings, palm tree climbing, poi eating, pizza with pineapple on it, false idols, Hawaiian shirts, whales, and sights. Everything is safe and supervised, so jump right in!
Some history...
Hawaii used to be its own kingdom, but it didn't work out. There were too many islands to keep tabs on (there are over 100!) and then one of the kings died without remembering to have any kids. So they tried "electing" a king but they didn't have any voting booths or printed ballots to rely on so you can imagine how that went. Tons of election fraud, a lot of people tried to get away with voting twice and stuff.
So AS USUAL the United States had to step in and clean up another country's mess. They helped overthrow the monarchy (if it had been George W. Bush doing it there would have been such worldwide uproar) and Hawaii became at first its own republic, then a "territory," then eventually a STATE. This caused huge problems because the U.S. had to design all new flags, after having just done the same thing for Alaska a year earlier. Think of how many flags you see in a day, then try to imagine how many there are in the whole country. and since you can't throw flags out in the garbage they all had to be respectfully burned, which of course causes air pollution, which in theory causes GLOBAL WARMING, and yet like I said it is now cold and snowing EVERYWHERE except Hawaii.
So what gives?
For more information on a Hawaiian vacation you can try calling their official tourism authority or visitors bureau. I don't have the numbers but if you find them remember that it's much earlier there so you should probably call at night.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Officially sick of winter
The groundhog did his thing, which means it's now that time of year when winter ain't too cool no more.
What happens is every September I wake up stuck to the couch in this sunburnt haze, delirious from all the mosquito venom and thinking "Oh man I should probably mow the lawn except it's all brown and burnt plus I saw some killer bees back there and besides when it's almost one-hundred degrees don't doctors say you need to avoid hard labor and ozone and such? I just heard on the news that an old man died."
and then I think "Hey you know what I like? I like WINTER. That is the stuff. Winter is when it snows all beautiful and you stamp off your feet in the doorway of your friend's house getting ready to watch hockey all with the fireplace roaring and cold beers that you can keep right outside in the snow, then Christmas comes and ladies in sweaters are in the kitchen baking cookies and kids are laughin and sleddin all over the place. WINTER is what I like and that is DEFINITE."
So I keep an eye on the weather forecast, anxious for snow. One morning, frost will come, killing all plant life. Then it gets cold and rains a lot and everything is wet and muddy for a very long time.
Then what tends to happen is we get one real huge whopper of a snowfall all at once. Everything has to be cancelled, but that's okay. It's winter! All the fathers who got new snowblowers for Father's Day can't wait to finally show off for the neighbors. Children both smart and dumb are thrilled to be out of school. Mothers are pretty much unaffected since they are almost never happy anyway.
The year ends, and everyone is tired from the holidays. Outside is no longer a beautiful blanket of white, there is grey and brown and sometimes YELLOW and deadly maniac icicles are hanging from everywhere.
Now I am having different thoughts than before. "More of this CRAP man I hate scrapin the car and how every time you walk into a store there's that completely saturated dark slushy mat that you're supposed to wipe your feet on. Sick of payin so much for tomatoes and lookin at salty pantlegs everywhere and wtf did I just see somebody eatin a damn CANDY CANE it's like almost February."
So I guess it should be awhile before anything is fun again. February is just a bitch-ass month. They always try to invent little things to dress it up but nothing sticks too well. Making those Lincoln and Washington silhouettes at school was a complete waste of time and hearts are not a good-tasting shape. I wonder if maybe there's some Mexican holiday people don't know about yet, those are usually fun ones.
What happens is every September I wake up stuck to the couch in this sunburnt haze, delirious from all the mosquito venom and thinking "Oh man I should probably mow the lawn except it's all brown and burnt plus I saw some killer bees back there and besides when it's almost one-hundred degrees don't doctors say you need to avoid hard labor and ozone and such? I just heard on the news that an old man died."
and then I think "Hey you know what I like? I like WINTER. That is the stuff. Winter is when it snows all beautiful and you stamp off your feet in the doorway of your friend's house getting ready to watch hockey all with the fireplace roaring and cold beers that you can keep right outside in the snow, then Christmas comes and ladies in sweaters are in the kitchen baking cookies and kids are laughin and sleddin all over the place. WINTER is what I like and that is DEFINITE."
So I keep an eye on the weather forecast, anxious for snow. One morning, frost will come, killing all plant life. Then it gets cold and rains a lot and everything is wet and muddy for a very long time.
Then what tends to happen is we get one real huge whopper of a snowfall all at once. Everything has to be cancelled, but that's okay. It's winter! All the fathers who got new snowblowers for Father's Day can't wait to finally show off for the neighbors. Children both smart and dumb are thrilled to be out of school. Mothers are pretty much unaffected since they are almost never happy anyway.
The year ends, and everyone is tired from the holidays. Outside is no longer a beautiful blanket of white, there is grey and brown and sometimes YELLOW and deadly maniac icicles are hanging from everywhere.
Now I am having different thoughts than before. "More of this CRAP man I hate scrapin the car and how every time you walk into a store there's that completely saturated dark slushy mat that you're supposed to wipe your feet on. Sick of payin so much for tomatoes and lookin at salty pantlegs everywhere and wtf did I just see somebody eatin a damn CANDY CANE it's like almost February."
So I guess it should be awhile before anything is fun again. February is just a bitch-ass month. They always try to invent little things to dress it up but nothing sticks too well. Making those Lincoln and Washington silhouettes at school was a complete waste of time and hearts are not a good-tasting shape. I wonder if maybe there's some Mexican holiday people don't know about yet, those are usually fun ones.
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