Hawaii

So America has become a much different place in that there are now bad snow and ice storms in every state. All of the teachers and scientists that spent years talking up "global warming" should be sanctioned and then fired. It's colder than ever! Most earmuff companies are reporting that sales are through the roof. There have been many school closings, even in states like Alabama and Mississippi where all the kids were way behind ALREADY.

The lone exception is the always-reliable Hawaii, which is still a tropical paradise. Most people would like to go to Hawaii. It is the most popular adult vacation spot besides maybe Las Vegas, but people only want to go to Las Vegas to do bad immoral stuff. When people get back from Hawaii, they can't wait to show you the pictures. When they get back from Vegas they just want to make quick trips to church, the bank, and maybe the V.D. clinic and then pretend none of it ever happened.

The catch, of course, is that Hawaii is REALLY FAR AWAY. So it's hard and expensive to get to. It has to be that way though otherwise everybody would go all the time. Including people that nobody wants around, like happens at Disney and Wal-mart.

Some dumb questions that tourists ask while in Hawaii...

"What time is it in America right now?"

"Do you take American money?"

"Do you know where Hawaii 5-0 is being filmed?"

"Who is the President here?"

"How come nobody is dressed like a Hawaiian person?"

"Do you have Burger King here?"

"Are we allowed to look inside the volcanoes?"

"What religion are people here?"

"Is there anything good on the other islands?"

"Is Alaska your friend or enemy?"

"Can you direct us to the Magnum P.I. museum?"

"Where are the bathrooms?"

To any native Hawaiians on the street...

"Do you work here?"

and of course, to any Caucasian-Hawaiians...

"Where are you from?"

BUT! It is still okay to want to do "Hawaiian stuff" while you're there. They know that's why you came. So there is lots of fun to be had! They have luaus, hula dancing, surfing, ukelele concerts, lei greetings, palm tree climbing, poi eating, pizza with pineapple on it, false idols, Hawaiian shirts, whales, and sights. Everything is safe and supervised, so jump right in!

Some history...

Hawaii used to be its own kingdom, but it didn't work out. There were too many islands to keep tabs on (there are over 100!) and then one of the kings died without remembering to have any kids. So they tried "electing" a king but they didn't have any voting booths or printed ballots to rely on so you can imagine how that went. Tons of election fraud, a lot of people tried to get away with voting twice and stuff.

So AS USUAL the United States had to step in and clean up another country's mess. They helped overthrow the monarchy (if it had been George W. Bush doing it there would have been such worldwide uproar) and Hawaii became at first its own republic, then a "territory," then eventually a STATE. This caused huge problems because the U.S. had to design all new flags, after having just done the same thing for Alaska a year earlier. Think of how many flags you see in a day, then try to imagine how many there are in the whole country. and since you can't throw flags out in the garbage they all had to be respectfully burned, which of course causes air pollution, which in theory causes GLOBAL WARMING, and yet like I said it is now cold and snowing EVERYWHERE except Hawaii.

So what gives?

For more information on a Hawaiian vacation you can try calling their official tourism authority or visitors bureau. I don't have the numbers but if you find them remember that it's much earlier there so you should probably call at night.