So I guess yesterday was "Earth Day"

Nobody told me. I guess I missed the PARADE.

Earth Day doesn't seem to be catching on too well as a holiday. You know why? No FOOD. All popular holidays are associated with food. Turkey or ham or figgy Christmas pudding WHATEVER.

a big problem is that the people that do ANYTHING for Earth Day do not like any kind of good food. They like brown rice and various types of SPROUTS. That makes it difficult to have a celebration.

Here is what Earth Day needs:

1) Some kind of comical Santa Claus figure

Some guy named "Doctor Earth" or something that passes out prunes and granola to childen. He could wear a big Olympic-type medal.

2) Fireworks

Admit it, you would get psyched up for Earth Day if there were fireworks at the end. Fireworks make everything better. Chinese people invented them, and they are very smart.

Meanwhile, Earth Day is WORTHLESS. (Yes that is what I SAID.) Get it out. Worst "holiday" ever. Arbor Day kicks the ass of Earth Day. You will never see a Charlie Brown Earth Day special, and they did one of those for everything.

In fact I will write one.

Charlie Brown: Hey Schroeder, another holiday is upon us. It's EARTH DAY.

Schroeder: It is? OH! I will compose a special song for Earth Day.

(Then he just plays Beethoven.)

Charlie Brown: Hey! That's not for Earth Day, that's Beethoven!

Schroeder: Yes because unlike Beethoven, Earth Day BLOWS a BIG ONE.

(Then he goes back to playing Beethoven.)

Charlie Brown: Good grief.

Gilligan's Island

This was a good idea for a show, but it turned out bad because it happened at a time when comedy wasn't funny yet. Nowadays you have to write good dialogue or be able to improvise clever lines to get laughs. Back in old 1960s tymes you could get laughs by having the Skipper hit Gilligan with his hat or making Fred Flintstone use a bird as a record player.

Why is Gilligan supposed to be such a nerdo dweeb? There's two hot ladies on the island, and only three eligible bachelors including idiot Skipper. and everybody knows the Professor liked Mary Ann better. That leaves Gilligan with GINGER. a MOVIE STAR! No wonder he kept foiling the plans.

Coconut thing pretty obnoxious. They made everything out of coconuts, except bras. and that's such an obvious one.

Why were the Harlem Globetrotters there? That's a very random cross-over. Like if Magic Johnson was on Star Trek, or Helen Keller was on Alf.

They sure had a lot of parties, man. Decorations, everything. They are stranded on the beach, you'd think they'd be sick of the luau theme.

Now the obvious thing. Skipper and Gilligan worked on the boat, the Howells were a couple, but otherwise who goes on a boat tour alone? Three single people that didn't know anyone else on the boat? Including two smokin' ladies? That would never happen. I know it's sort of redundant to say "that would never happen" when discussing GILLIGAN'S ISLAND but geez.

Every TV show becomes a movie lately. Where is the Gilligan movie? Will Ferrell can be him. John Goodman can be the Skipper (if he's still alive).

Mr. Howell was so rich that he BOUGHT the island once they escaped from it. He should have had it blown up.

Wedding food

Anyone that goes to a lot of weddings has been through this routine. You go up to the buffet and are given a plate that is about the size of a half-dollar. Then you have to figure out how to best pile a human-sized meal onto it.

You have really worked up an appetite from all the dressing and driving and church. Got a cocktail in you and are ready to tear it up. EVERYTHING looks good! First up is the salad. There's no salad BOWLS, you just have to put some salad loose on your plate along with everything else. But you figure "yes, salad is awesome" and take some. Then you GOT to have a ROLL. Plate is filling up quickly but who cares, this is gonna be the best meal ever.

The hits keep coming. Oh wow MASHED POTATOES. Are those MINIATURE CORN ON THE COBS? Giant scoop of rigatoni sure would hit the spot. and you HAVE to take some vegetables. What if your grandmother sees you skipping the vegetables and comes over to yell at you?

Now your plate is full. You get to the end of the line, where they have the entree options. It turns out they have steak, fried chicken, prime rib, whole Maine lobsters, Beef Wellington, and fish. Yet your plate is full of rigatoni and asparagus and a giant roll. Hmmmmm.

Usually when people eat, they do not like certain foods touching. You don't want the gravy to touch the cole slaw, or to get ketchup on your ham. At weddings all of that goes out the window. You can put the roll on TOP of the pasta, the corn on top of the potatoes, and make some space by quickly eating the salad while still standing in the line. I mean it's salad, it's SUPPOSED to get eaten first! Then you can just throw some steak and chicken and fish on top of everything and you are all set to eat!

Why do they set up the buffet that way? It's backwards. When you go to a restaurant you pick out your entree and THEN they ask you what sides you want. Next time I go to a wedding I am personally gonna move all the plates to the other end. It will be revolutionary.

Another good plan would be for everybody at the table to make an official pact to all get up together for a second time and go get all the food items they couldn't fit on the first plate. That way nobody has to feel like they're interrupting or missing part of the conversation. Or you could bring your own, large-size platter or plate, like in a briefcase so it looks all dignified and matches your suit. But then what would you do with it after dinner? What if the server tried to TAKE it? It would be nice if they would wash it for you and then just give it back, but that probably wouldn't happen.

Of course there are sit-down type dinners at weddings too. When that happens, everything looks so nice on the plate. There might be less food, but it's all appropriated better. Everyone wants their wedding to be perfect. If it's someone like Prince William or Michael Jordan getting married they spare no expense to make sure everything is elegant and fancy. I would like to go to a wedding SO CLASSY that when you pick out items from the buffet they have special experts that arrange it on the plate for you. That would be such a nice personal touch.

Or, you know, just a wedding with big plates.

Tombstones and celebrations and books

Drug dealers use a lot of baggies. One of them should be a SPOKESMAN. "Look. I can shake this thick, greasy chili around in this baggie and it don't even leak. You GOT to have this for your shit."

What officially constitutes a "celebration?" When somebody says "Let's celebrate!" what is the most minimal thing that needs to occur in order to do so? It seems like something just needs to happen that usually doesn't.

"There are usually not 20 people in the kitchen."

"I usually do not spike a football really hard and then dance like a bird."

"I do not usually smile this much while drinking Pepsi."

How do they make tombstones these days? Does a guy still chisel them by hand or is it done with computers now? Cause if it's done with computers, are there typos? How about emoticons?

R.I.P. PETER JAMES MOYNIHAN

@)--;-'---

1923-2011 :'(

Some people have talking birds as pets. Do they have to teach it what to say or do they come pre-programmed? Either way, talking birds sure say a lot of stupid things. I think the pet store could charge more for a bird that blurted out historical facts or good tidbits of advice.

"A GOOD DEED IS ITS OWN REWARD. ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS SHOT IN 1865. SQUAWK!"

Kid's books are not very long. They read them quickly, and read multiple books in a row. I would read a lot more if adult books were like that.

pg. 1) a woman is lonely.

pg. 4) Her ex-husband wants back into her life.

pg. 10) He abducts their baby.

pg. 15) She shoots him. The end.

(On the last page there is a picture of the dead body.)

Can a wiccan person (aka witch) be a cleaning lady? If so, how does she feel about sweeping up? It's a broom, man. and if she ever felt like quitting would she just say "Fuck this!" and TAKE OFF?

Some fast food places are set up so that you get to scrutinize the person making the food. Do the workers mind being STARED AT all day? They never make eye contact until they are done. I like to put the workers at ease by yelling out "Just pretend I'm not here!" and why DON'T they make eye contact? What are they afraid of? I would be holding up slices of cheese and meat all tantalizing. "Ohhhhhh...you want some Monteray JACK on that?" Then slap it on the sandwich and yell "BAM!" like Emeril. If you treat somebody like a zoo animal they should have the option to perform like one.