Holiday Weekend Blog

SO when it's a holiday weekend people tend to blow off work and not want to show COMMITMENT to the TASK.

I ain't like that though, so here is some more writing:

The Rubik's Cube was POPULAR. Only certain people could solve the Rubik's Cube, and none of them prospered from it. There was no Atari version of the Rubik's Cube. How come?

Some birds guard eggs. Others fly all over and have the nerve to act surprised when someone has messed with the eggs. What would YOU do?

When you are mowing the lawn and run over something you were not supposed to run over, you automatically yell "FUCK!" Invent a lawnmower that yells that with you in unison when it detects an impropriety. Imagine yelling "FUCK!" in unison with your lawnmower. It would only cost like one extra microchip these days.

Can any profession go on strike? Even if unofficially? I want to see a locksmith strike. "Stay in there!"

Lion tamer strike. "This lion will do whatever he wants until my demands are met. Right now he is sleeping and wanting to be away from all of you."

People used to laugh a LOT watching Candid Camera. They are pretty much all dead now.

You aren't supposed to kick sand at the beach. Where CAN you kick it? Making an all-sand field goal should be a thing.

Who at the dentist is MOST excited about the new magazines? (By default.)

Who among us is so rich that he eats one Pop-Tart and throws the other one away?

Who is WORKING at the place where they print fortune cookie fortunes? 100 million more "a friend's kind gesture may mask an evil deed." What are the jobs like there? Fortune cookie message printer and fortune cookie message printer supervisor. The latter makes the schedule.

Just make cigarettes illegal already

What is up with this idiotic situation? "You can still smoke cigarettes, BUT, they now cost one-hundred dollars per pack AND you have to look at a picture of a dying old lady before you can smoke them. You can still smoke them if you want to, though."

END THIS INSANITY.

There are new, graphic warning labels on every pack of cigarettes now. If something is SO bad for you that you need to be confronted with diseased lungs and awful teeth and defective babies as a WARNING NOT TO USE IT then HEY, MAYBE TAKE IT OFF THE MARKET ENTIRELY?

What would be the downside? a man in a suit that makes a million dollars working for Big Tobacco would be upset. So that's a reason to keep it legal. Everyone feels sorry for THAT guy.

Also we are setting a TREND here. What is coming next? "You can still buy a Pepsi, but now the can has to have the word DIABETES on it and it must be twice as large as the word PEPSI." "McDonalds can still operate, but all cashiers must say "SHAME ON YOU" to each customer upon ordering."

I would like to see a billboard of the Marlboro Man in which he is dead. and the camel, bring him back but with bad stuff happening to him. "Joe Camel now has bad intestinal cancer. Girls don't think that is too cool. He no longer gets laid."

What more can be done to make cigarettes unappealing? Maybe you should HAVE to buy them FROM a dying lung cancer patient. Or engineer them so that when you light one, it screams. Or when you smoke it halfway down, it explodes like a firecracker in your mouth. "You can still puff, but don't try to smoke a whole one! That's bad for you, and this way you'll have a REMINDER of that."

Sounds ridiculous but this is SO RIDICULOUS ALREADY. Dying people on the PACKAGING. That is the LAW now. "Here is what will happen to your babies and feet if you buy this. You can still buy it though!"

In ten years we are all gonna be like "Can you believe smoking was legal?" Well not ALL of us cause some people are gonna be dead. Sucks if that's the case for you but HEY maybe DON'T DO THINGS that are likely to kill you.

If you would like to see the new anti-smoking warning labels that are on tobacco products you can try going to a gas station or else Wal-Mart.

The Little Caesar's sign people

Okay I understand that a lot of people want to earn a good, honest living but what the fuck? How do you get this job? Is there an INTERVIEW? "What are your career motivations?" Is there DRUG-TESTING?

If you are not familiar with Little Caesar's they are this crappy pizza chain that produces low-priced pizzas using suspicious ingredients. Like ketchup, salt, and cheese that does not come from a cow. I have to admit I have never actually EATEN their food but if it is one third of the price of regular style pizza could it possibly be any good? Someone tell me.

So anyway they have this unique marketing style where they employ a person to stand on the street with a sign:

These people clearly have NOTHING TO LOSE. I mean geez do they get actual money or just a crappy Little Caesar's pizza as payment? I feel sorry for people that are homeless but in this case I suspect that Little Caesar's has just cut out the middle man. "Dance around like a clown waving this sign for a few hours and we will give you a pizza. Not a GOOD pizza, one of ours. Deal or what?"

In fact I'm sure everyone has at some point seen a person holding a "Will Work For Food" sign. This seems to be the equivalent. It is painful to witness. Therefore I feel that Obama should ORDER Little Caesar's to KNOCK IT OFF.

It is exploitation PLUS the pizza sucks.

This man looks like he is about to be hit by a bolt of lightning:

Dinosaurs

Since the beginning of time, everybody has been fascinated with dinosaurs. There are no more dinosaurs currently alive, but hundreds of dollars have been spent digging up their old bones. Those bones are now featured prominently at museums, where children are frequently warned not to touch them ("or else"). No one can touch the dinosaur bones. They are too important, as were dinosaurs.

Okay now I will tell you everything there is to know about dinosaurs.

First of all there were two varieties, the carnivore and the herbivore. The herbivores only ate plants for some reason. The carnivores had more sense and frequently enjoyed the delicious meat of other dinosaurs and animals. Not people though, as they did not exist yet. Adam and Eve came later, followed eventually by Jesus. Or else apes evolved into humans. No one is certain, but let's not get into that right now.

Everyone wants to know what killed off the dinosaurs. Some people think a giant asteroid was responsible. Others think that the carnivores got super hungry and ate too many of the other dinosaurs. My theory is that there were sick dinosaurs on the planet and they spread too much disease around and eventually they all had it. Can't cure a sick dinosaur, there was no vet back then.

I bet a herbivore killed a carnivore in a fight. At least once, like in some kind of fluke occurrence. If so I hope some other herbivores were around to see it.

a lot of people insist that homosexuality exists in the animal kingdom. Does that mean there were gay DINOSAURS? Kind of tough to picture, but I guess so.

Also, like certain ethnic groups, most dinosaurs have really long hard-to-spell names. How come? There was no reason for scientists to make spelling dinosaurs difficult. In fact we should re-name them. People could pay money to have a kind of dinosaur named after them, like they do with stars. Then all the money goes to charity and/or the economy. Maybe stop short of re-naming the really FAMOUS dinosaurs like the T-Rex and Brontosaurus because people are already too used to those names and would just keep using them anyway.

Finally here are the winners of our dinosaur-drawing contest. Thanks to all who entered!

The new "Food Plate"

This thing is supposed to replace the Food Pyramid.

PRETTY underwhelming. HALF of the food you eat is supposed to be fruits and vegetables? Get out of here with that. Even vegetarians like to cheat by eating veggie burgers and soy steaks. and what's with that glass of MILK on the side? The Dairy Council paid somebody off, that's for sure.

Everyone has to overthink everything, man. Nothing was wrong with the good old FOUR FOOD GROUPS. Old-tyme farmers and politicians ate well-balanced home cooked meals and were productive and happy. Eggs with bacon and toast and hash browns with lots of ketchup and a big cup of coffee. THAT is what you should eat for breakfast.

BUT!

It has to be the real stuff. NOT MCDONALDS where they make eggs from powder and mutant pancakes in a microwave and the sausage in the Sausage McMuffin is actually processed raccoon meat or whatever.

and NO "frozen dinners." If you think that Salisbury Steak that comes frozen in a box is any kind of acceptable thing to eat you are a lunatic. Notice they stopped calling them "TV Dinners" because nobody wants to believe they are eating big fat couch potato food. But it's the same stuff in different packaging.

and STOP EATING COOKIES. You know who you are. You wouldn't want to know what's in an Oreo. (Hey that kind of rhymed.) If you want dessert, bake a pie. I think there is this natural thing where if you make/bake/grow/butcher food yourself it makes you a happier and healthier person. Rachael Ray = very happy. Ronald McDonald = unhappy/missing.

Good riddance to the Food Pyramid though, by the way. That thing was wack. Always remember that anything in pyramid form is misleading. Pyramids are evil. They are why Dick Clark lived to be 200.