Dancing With the Stars

I heard about this new TV show called "Dancing With the Stars." What a great concept! You recruit a bunch of famous people and teach them how to dance on television. Who wouldn't love seeing Harrison Ford boogie down disco style, or Britney Spears being taught to do the limbo?

Instant ratings hit right there. Someone at ABC must be a GENIUS. Sponsors so pleased, potato chip sales going through the roof, etc.

BUT!

There was apparently this problem where nobody currently employed in the entertainment business wanted to dance on television. Therefore the "stars" in the current lineup include...

- Someone named "J.R. Martinez"

- One of the MALE Kardashians

- Courtney Cox's ex-husband

- a lady soccer player

- 1/3 of 90s group Wilson Phillips

- Kristin Cavallari of reality television FAME

- Sonny and Cher's transgendered offspring

...and the rest, whoever they are. The actual most famous of the whole bunch is Ricki Lake. You know, THAT Ricki Lake. She's BACK, man! NBA brawler Ron Artest was already eliminated, before he had a chance to start even one fight with the audience.

These people clearly want the spotlight back, and could probably all use a decent paycheck. So even though getting actual CELEBRITIES to dance on the show didn't work out, I think the concept can still be salvaged!

First of all, why does it have to be limited to a dancing competition? I say repackage the show as "Going Out With the Stars." The interactions between "star" and "instructor" would take place over three stages.

1) Dinner

2) Dancing

3) Who Knows?

Over dinner, it's the CELEBRITY who has the advantage. Who wouldn't feel intimidated out on a date with NANCY GRACE? With the WHOLE WORLD WATCHING?

Then it's time for the dancing, and the pendulum swings the other way. The instructor, while playfully encouraging, dances circles around his or her two-left-footed partner, and everyone at home has a good laugh. Basically the same as they do now. Don't want to give up on that aspect of the show entirely.

and THEN, off in a limo or moderately priced chauffeured vehicle they go! Whisked away into the night where romance, or perhaps REJECTION, awaits. You don't get to see any of the dirty parts because of the FCC and also human decency.

BUT!

The NEXT week each person gets to tell their version of what happened that night and the audience gets to decide whether or not they make a good couple and should go out again. Everyone votes, and the couple gets a final score that is kept in a secret gold envelope. At the end of the season, there is a very SPECIAL "Going Out With the Stars" where the final scores are REVEALED, and the couple with the highest score is named the Going Out With the Stars Champions!

By the way there will also be a lot of backstabbing and gossip throughout the season that fans of the show can read using Twitter.

ChynaPhillips @HopeSolo hey solo if ur man is so into u, y does he keep txting me?

DerekDanceStar @RickiLake u go girl! ...by which i mean go AWAY u r DUMPED!

Stop buying coffee!

I'm okay with DRINKING coffee, but dang already. Does every human being HAVE to stop at a Tim Horton's or McDonalds or even STARBUCKS on their way to work? Who in hell is still going to STARBUCKS? Go ahead and sip your Starbucks coffee while using dial-up internet to find out who got kicked off Survivor.

It is even worse now that school is back in session. All the teachers. Ugh. Cars pulling up to the coffee place drive-thru are backed up into the STREET. and they just wait there! You are in the STREET! GET OUT!

In old tymes the milk man used to come and drop off a bottle of milk on the porch. Hey McDonalds, DO THAT WITH COFFEE. Leave a steaming hot Cup of Joe on every working person's doorstep Monday thru Friday. Obama will compensate you, that guy loves wasting money.

Until then, STAY OUT OF MY WAY. You can make coffee at home. It isn't hard. Rachael Ray does it in under 30 minutes.

You are a BUNCH of YUPPIES and I'm SICK OF IT.

Unlimited soup, salad, breadsticks lunch

Olive Garden. The Italian Denny's.

Not to offend any Olive Garden enthusiasts but that is NOT a "nice" restaurant. I wonder what they do if someone proposes marriage over dinner there? Do they bring champagne to the table? DOUBT IT. Probably a free dessert or half off select appetizers.

So some time ago Olive Garden realized that most of its patrons were kind of cheapo heads and decided to capitalize with this UNLIMITED soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch offer. You know, the stuff that people ordering a MEAL are given for FREE. and it has been successful, I hope the guy that thought it up got a nice raise. He will someday be in the Olive Garden Hall of Fame.

The idea is that at a time of day when they don't do a lot of business they can get $6.95 out of you for stuff that was gonna get either too cold or stale to be served anyway.

But here's the irony:

IT'S THE BEST FOOD THEY HAVE!

Everyone loves Olive Garden soup, salad, and breadsticks. Sometimes they are the REASON people go to dinner there. Then since they are out to EAT, and already there, they order an entree too. Something ain't right with the situation. It's like when you go to a concert to see the opening act, and then sit through a show you don't like too much because you already bought the ticket.

Olive Garden should maybe start thinking about repackaging its brand. Go the total fast food route. "The O.G." People would order soup, salad, and/OR breadsticks by reading one of those communal fast food menus that everyone looks up at. and you could change things up a bit, like how McDonalds has more than one hamburger option.

"I'll have the Zuppa Toscana Value Meal with the Texas GRILLED breadsticks."

and when you order a salad you get to act like a dick like at Subway.

"Extra lettuce, no tomatoes, no onions, extra dressing, I'm a douchebag, no croutons, etc."

Then they are FORCED to MAKE it right in FRONT of you. "That's right, TOSS it you SLAVE. No, no, that's NOT enough. Toss it MORE."

So if whoever owns Olive Garden is reading this and likes my idea please send me a large check.

Also I apologize for assuming the person that came up with the soup, salad, breadsticks idea was a man. That was sexist, it could have been a lady. If so I hope she got a nice raise too and I also hope that she was pretty.

School subjects

The worst one is math. Math completely sucks. We have CALCULATORS now, man! Yet it's homework every single night. STOP IT. The exception is fractions. I always thought fractions were kind of cool. I think because a lot of times they explain fractions using pizza. "If there are 8 slices, and Pablo eats 3, he has eaten 3/8ths of the pizza (duh)." Oh that's another thing, fractions are easy. and did you ever notice that a lot of Mexican names get used in school workbooks? "John, Julie, Herbert, and Juan are going to have a race." I'm okay with it.

History teachers don't know anything. They just use the book. But kids never challenge them on anything because history is boring and NOBODY CARES. There should be two history teachers in every class, one Democrat and one Republican. They could shout at each other all day, kids would love it. and if you think it would cost extra taxpayer money, guess what? There's people that would argue all day for FREE! I see them everywhere all the time including on TV.

a good class is English. You get to write stories and stuff. and usually you can pick whatever you want! "Here is a story about a dragon that likes to eat giraffes." and then you get an A for that. Well, I guess there are restrictions. "Martin Anthony Lombardi, you are not allowed to write a story about a dragon that likes going to the bathroom on people. You have to write a new one." Later in life Martin Anthony Lombardi becomes a punk rocker that writes a song about dragons going to the bathroom on people.

Science class pretty okay. BUT! Too much talk, not enough experiments. Every DAY there should be some kind of experiment or demonstration. Like Mr. Wizard but with multiple kids at once. There should also be a pregnant snake in every classroom. and every Friday you get to blow something up in the parking lot. See? School can be fun.

In Spanish class they teach you how to say all food names in Spanish. Then you go to a Spanish restaurant and all the foods are in Spanish already! Chimichanga, guacamole, etc. You never need to say "manzanas."

Music teachers were always too bossy. "Sing this song NOW." Weird.

Gym. The ultimate class. Playing "Guard the Pin" in the middle of the morning and it feels as important as the Superbowl. You MUST guard that pin. Remember picking teams? Some kid always had to be last. They say that it's socially traumatic but did the kid getting picked last seem like he cared about athleticism? He was fat with a cigarette in his mouth. "Whatever." Also why do people think fat kids hate dodgeball? They get hit once immediately and then get to sit down. It's a rubber ball, not an ARROW. I wish fat kids would melt like the Wicked Witch when the ball hits them. Instead of shrieking "I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!" they'd be melting like "Whatever."