Michael Jordan sucks at stuff

He was the greatest basketball player of all time but MAN is this guy an incompetent buffoon.

After retiring from basketball Michael Jordan was looking for something to DO so he became the owner of the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats.  They are the worst team in the history of professional basketball, finishing the season with a winning percentage of 10.6%  They also lost their last 23 games in a row.

Dang.

It is time for Michael Jordan to admit that he does not know what he's doing.  Just because you are really, really good at playing basketball and have lots of money doesn't mean you can do whatever you want.

Incomplete list of other things he sucks at:

- Acting

- Baseball

- Golf

- Drawing pictures

- Riding a horse

- Bowling

- Singing

- Dancing

- Juggling

- Politics

- Gambling

Assuming Michael Jordan is reading this (insecure athletes tend to google themselves a lot) I would like to ask him to PLEASE STOP DOING STUFF.  You are tarnishing your LEGACY.  You had a good career, you can relax now.  Just sit home and enjoy having money and eat steaks.  and if you're worried about getting lonely, remember that you're still a pretty big CELEBRITY.  Almost any woman would probably go on a date with you for free.

Or, if you really are interested in doing all these things you suck at you could always do them, you know, PRIVATELY.  That way people would not see you sucking.  Don't announce that you're entering professional baseball.  Just join a neighborhood softball league.  Don't make "Space Jam 2."  If you want to act, go be in the church Christmas pageant.  If you want to ride a horse, do it on a private farm.  Not in a parade.  What if you get scared and start screaming and almost fall off and everybody starts laughing at you?  You need to THINK of these things AHEAD of time, Michael Jordan.

Also do NOT get an amateur pilot's license.  I know you can probably afford to buy a lot of planes and nice leather jackets, but be real, man.  It ain't gonna go well.

Click HERE.

How to write songs

One thing I am good at is writing songs.  However, I must admit that I have not been good about writing them DOWN.  I just craft the lyrics and immediately release them, kind of like a sadistic fisherman who says he's only doing it for "fun" and not for cash or meals.

This is probably because I do not like to sing or play instruments.  Well except percussion, but I don't have any drums.  Most of my percussion is played with pens on the desk.  But that's the first part of writing a song.  You need a BEAT.  The original Beatles knew this very well.  It is why they picked that name.

Then you just decide what your song is going to be about.  It can be about love, heartache, or else just something that's in the room.  That's usually what I opt for.  Like the dog, there's lots you can say about a dog.  So you start making up rhymes.

Look at my dog
Chewing on a bone
One time he was bad
and ate my phone

Then you start rocking out tapping your pens on the desk and suddenly you have created a SONG.  If you have some friends with instruments, everybody can join in and start jamming.  You just have to decide on a "key."  (A, B, etc.)

So you'll say "Alright now, in E flat..."

The dog is snoring
Your mom is whoring
Sugar is sweet
and church is boring
WOO!

...and everybody starts playing and going crazy.  It might not sound too polished at first but that is why bands have to practice real loud all the time.  Music takes discipline.  Your band is not going to sound all professional like REO Speedwagon overnight.  It takes a lot of work to get that sound.

Oh and another good tip, as seen above, is to mix things like "WOO!" and "YEAH!" into your song lyrics.  That makes it exciting.  Don't get all RIDICULOUS about it like Little Richard, especially if you are doing your songwriting somewhere like in the workplace.

So that's pretty much all there is to it.  Good luck with your dreams.  If you get real rich writing songs and feel that I helped you then please give me some money or land, or if you think you still need more help you can e-mail me and I will tell you what you are doing wrong.


Rich:

Click HERE.

Considerations

I can't think of any reason why I would ever RUB a LAMP. There could be magic genies all over the place, I would never know.

There's a worst employee at every job, someone who doesn't last very long. Imagine the worst bus driver. He forgets to make all of the stops, gets lost, and then runs somebody over. "I'm new here!"

a good example of irony would be if someone played "The Entertainer" at a piano recital and everybody started booing.

a lot of dogs are named "Snoopy" and "Lassie" but never "McGruff." How come? Everybody hates cops I guess.

What happens if you PAY for a hot air balloon ride and then somebody else on the ride REALLY has to go to the bathroom? The solution may SEEM obvious, but it's always women that have to pee.

Birdwatching is an interesting hobby. "I SAW that thing." Is there competitive birdwatching? It would be so easy to cheat. That's probably why it's not in the Olympics.

Why do they make different GRADES of Drano? "If you're not absolutely serious about eliminating that clog, buy this one!"

a lot of businesses have a "No Shirt, No Shoes, NO SERVICE!" policy. They never mention pants, because THAT would be ridiculous.

Do people ever text while stuck at the top of a ferris wheel? "im bored, u?"

Shepherds

One of the world's oldest professions, including prostitutes and also kings.

Sheep are a valuable commodity, but they frequently misbehave. So you need a shepherd to watch them.

Some bad things that sheep might do:

- Run away
- Bite other sheep
- Baa real loud for no reason
- Eat a bouquet of flowers
- Hide

All of these actions require swift discipline. It is the job of the shepherd to make sure the sheep are safe, happy, and counted. Sort of like kindergarten but without the painting and crafts. Story time and the "gold star" system may or may not be a part of things. That is up to the individual shepherd.

What's with the staff? Is it a weapon? Like in case a wolf comes? Do enemy shepherds ever DUEL? "Your sheep are eating too much GRASS! Take THIS!"

I would like to think that most shepherds get along, though. Especially these days, because they can text and tweet on the job and stuff. "Follow me on TWITTER!"

Isaiah M. @CivilShepherd
they're eating grass

Counting sheep is supposed to be a thing that people with insomnia do to help them fall asleep. Do a lot of shepherds doze off on the job? Think YOU'VE ever had a bad day at work? Imagine nodding off at your post and then you wake up to see that it's dark outside and all the sheep are gone. "SHIT!"

Also don't a lot of shepherds get hit by LIGHTNING? They are much taller than all the sheep, even the biggest ones. Again, what a bad day. "Man I can't believe I have to watch these sheep for sixteen hours. This is so BORING. and now look, it's getting cloudy. What if it RAINS? That would be the WORST thing I can think of."

and then *BZZZT*

"What the FUCK!?"

Flat on your back, cloak smoldering, fillings in your mouth all hot and sizzling, sheep running around everywhere...

"I quit."

April Fools Day

The worst day to die. Everyone will be all skeptical. The best day to FAKE your death is probably March 30th. That way you can pull off the best April Fools Day joke ever when you pop out of the casket two days later. Don't do that though, people will get pissed. Especially if they had to miss work.

It's hard to fool people these days. Not like in old tymes, when men frequently wore flowers on their lapels. They would say "Hey, want to smell this FLOWER?" and another guy would say "Yes, DEFINITELY" and then lean in only to be assaulted with a stream of water.

"APRIL FOOLS!"

These days it would be pretty hard to get someone to attempt to smell you or something on your body. If you're a man, at least.

Another good one was the can of peanut brittle that turns out to have springy snakes inside. You would say to someone "Hey, want some peanut brittle?" and they'd say "Sure!" and open it, and then the snakes would pop out and momentarily SURPRISE them, much to the prankster's delight. Plus the added sting of not getting to eat peanut brittle.

"APRIL FOOLS!"

Now I have an important question. WHO THE F IN THE WORLD EATS PEANUT BRITTLE? and furthermore WHO WALKS AROUND WITH PEANUT BRITTLE IN A CAN OFFERING IT TO PEOPLE? The same exact gag should be contemporized with Pringles. and maybe a big springy penis comes popping out instead of the snakes. If a representative of the Pringles corporation is reading this and likes my idea please e-mail me.

Another great oldschool prank was rigging a doorway so that a bucket of confetti would dump out onto someone's head. Imagine if that went horribly wrong. The bucket itself falls, metal edge splits the person's head open, blood everywhere, everybody screaming...

"APRIL FOOLS!"

and even if you pull that joke off right, SO WHAT? You got confetti all over somebody. It's paper, not SEMEN.

So what IS the best joke to play on someone in the year 2012? Well, there is one that never gets old. a comedy classic. a prank that is effective no matter how many times you pull it.

I'm referring to hiding around a corner and shouting "BOO!" at somebody.

It's more of a Halloween type prank, since you're not really "fooling" the other person, but still. Nothing is more hilarious than hiding around a corner and then shouting "BOO!" Try it on your boss. Wouldn't you like to see your boss almost have a heart attack? If your boss is a man, that is. If it's a lady she might pee her pants. Either way you will earn the respect of your peers, and solidify your reputation as the "workplace jokester."

(Note to children: This stunt also works really well on school principals. Especially because they are always walking around in the halls, which have lots of corners.)

Anyway, have a happy holiday. and if you're wondering if anybody really DID die today, the answer is yes. Dan Fogelberg.






"APRIL FOOLS!"

He didn't really die today, he died a long time ago.