This Chick-Fil-A thing

Okay admittedly I neither own nor run a successful chicken sandwich franchise so I don't know all the ins and outs of the business but it DOES NOT SEEM like what that guy did was a very good idea!

I am of course referring to the President and Chief Operating Officer of Chick-Fil-A's recent remarks condemning same-sex marriage.  Why did he choose to blurt out such a controversial opinion?  Did someone ASK him?  If so that is pretty tremendous journalism!  Imagine being an ambitious, aspiring young reporter and you go up to the president of Subway Restaurants and ask "Excuse me sir, but do you have an opinion on Jews?" and he just shrugs and says "Don't care for 'em."  What a STORY that would be!  and you hardly had to do anything to get an important man to say something so stupid.

I don't believe he was asked, though.  I think he made a DECISION to announce how he and the company officially felt.  Most fast food chains would never make such a mistake.  If Burger King holds a press conference, it is usually to announce new, crispier fries (they are always doing that).  If McDonalds holds a press conference it is usually to explain what kid choked on what thing or to apologize for what was found in someone's burger.  I do not think the C.E.O. of Burger King will ever be quoted as saying "Just so everyone knows, we at Burger King do not think people should be getting abortions.  In ANY trimester."

Needless to say, everyone is now angry.  Including the Muppets.

You know you've really stepped in it when Kermit the Frog is mad at you.  If you haven't heard this part of the story, the Jim Henson Company was OUTRAGED by what the Chick-Fil-A guy did and said and will no longer allow Muppet toys to be distributed to children at Chick-Fil-A restaurants.  Once the relationship was severed, Chick-Fil-A was put in the delicate position of having to explain why.  Damage control, in other words.  When something has gone terribly wrong, most big companies will pay top dollar to have a public relations specialist craft a carefully-worded press release.

If you're Chick-Fil-A, however, you once again prove yourselves to be the judgment kings of the corporate world by making up a huge lie.

It did not work.

(WTF is he wearing?)


So NOW what will happen?  Will someone be forced to STEP DOWN?  Public figures stepping down in disgrace is like the best thing that's ever on TV.

...ooooookay, maybe not the BEST thing.  But still pretty good!

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Bee stings

OW!

Ever been stung by a bee?  Not me, sucka.  When a bee comes around I act all bad and unafraid, raise my fists at it as if I'm ready to "go," and eventually the bee pussies out and flies away.  He can go pick on someone his own size.

Why ARE people afraid of bees?  It's not like a snake or a pelican, a bee is less than one-inch-long.  and yes, they can sting you, but SO WHAT?  It's never happened to me, but how painful could a bee sting possibly be?  I imagine it's like when they stick the needle in for giving blood or doing steroids or whatever.  Just a little pinch.  a bee sting is like getting 0.0001% of a tattoo.

I mean I know that there are certain people who are ALLERGIC to bee stings.  There is exactly one issued to every elementary school class.  The teacher goes over the instructions at the beginning of the school year.

"Now class, if a bee happens to fly into the classroom, please remain calm.  We all must focus on getting Herbert to safety."

Herbert sits at his desk, pudgy with thick-rimmed glasses, eating paste.

"I'm allergic."

It is all he is, and all he'll ever know.

Some children, possibly Herbert later in life, disappoint their parents after finishing college.  "Mom, Dad, I want to be a magician."  "I think I could really MAKE it as a dancer."  "Why get a DAY job when Dairy Queen lets me start in the afternoon?  You don't make any sense."

What kid, though, ever says to his parents...

"I'm thinking of going into beekeeping."

Yet some people choose that.  HOW?  WHY?

I am working on a movie script in which a gritty, wise-cracking, Bruce Willis type character gets roped into the world of beekeeping.  I'm not exactly sure how yet but the mob will be involved.  and an estranged daughter who has come back into his life.  Her safety is in jeopardy.

***SPOILER***  It ends with all the bees swarming on the mob and stinging them to DEATH.  That's the only part I wrote so far.  I like to come up with the ending first and then work backwards.

Finally, here are the winners of our dress-up-like-a-bee photo contest.  Thanks to all who entered!

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Irony: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted July 18, 2007)

Okay a big problem in our communities these days is that nobody knows what irony is.  I am kind of a stickler when it comes to the English language and its proper usage, so this has been a pet peeve of mine for some time.

IRONY, by strict definition, is like when something backfires in a humorous way, sort of.

Some things that are NOT irony:

1) COINCIDENCE!

I hate when some fool says something like, "Isn't it ironic that my father died on Father's Day?"  NO, you JERK!  That is just coincidence.  Now maybe you have a lonely old father that you have not called in ten years because you are SUCH a thoughtless jerk, so you decide to finally call him up on Father's Day, and when you do you catch him in the bathtub and he slips and falls while running for the phone and dies from hitting his head on a cement block that he uses as furniture.  That is irony.

2) MISFORTUNE

Rain on your wedding day.  Locking your keys in your car on the day of a big presentation.  "Oh figures, the very first time I hire a prostitute it turns out to be a cop."  We have all had these problems.  They are very annoying things, but they are not ironic.  Hiring a bunch of Indians to perform a rain dance as entertainment at your wedding would be ironic.  If they arrive late because they locked their keys in their car, that would not add any additional irony.  However, if when they were rushing over it started raining naturally and the speeding car skidded on wet leaves and flew off a cliff, that would.  See?  Simple.

So next time you begin to think "Isn't it ironic that..." just err on the side of caution and assume it isn't.  Don't say that things are "ironic," say that things "suck" instead.  "Sucks" is a safe word that you can usually count on.  (Unless it's some rare kind of good irony like if a beer truck flips over because the driver was drunk and free beer winds up all over the neighborhood.)


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The potato chip blog!

Potato chips come in a lot of styles and flavors.  Some are more sensible than others.  a salt and vinegar chip tastes like salt and vinegar.  salt and pepper chips are seasoned with salt and pepper, in case such a thing appeals to your personal taste.

Barbecue chips are popular and good.  They also are in no way barbecued.  They just have this tasty red stuff on them.  No one that's eating a big plate of food at a barbecue ever thinks "This tastes just like the chips!"

and nowadays I see certain varieties that are WAY too ambitious.  "Loaded Chili and Cheese Ruffles!" all with pictures of chili and cheese on the bag.  Then you try one and it's so underwhelming.  and in regards to pizza flavored chips: No.  No one has ever produced a potato chip that tastes anything like a pizza.  and why would you even WANT that?  Who puts potatoes on pizza?

Ever been at a party where there are chips and dip and some fool dips a BBQ one?  That's like, "DUDE!"  The dip has an orange patch in it now, everyone is shouting.

Isn't dip the whole reason they MAKE the plain potato chips?  Otherwise who buys them?  They are the same price as the cheddar and sour cream.  Any food that is "plain" is not a food.  It is an ingredient.  "Regular" potato chips were meant to be dipped, added to sandwiches, or fed to dogs.  Dogs cannot have BBQ.

How do they get Pringles to turn out in such a uniform shape?  It helps them fit in the can obviously, but even when chips are in a bag why can't they be the same way?  Instead they are every size, shape, and texture.  No two chips are ever exactly alike.  Besides Pringles.  Are there people that PREFER their chips that way?  "It's more exciting!  You can hunt for the ones that look like celebrities.  Look, this one is kind of like Hitler.  The little burn mark is his mustache."

Hitler probably insisted on his chips being uniform.  He would not enjoy finding a Hitler chip.

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The whole world is crazy about the i-phone: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted July 11, 2007)

You can do everything with an i-phone.  It includes phone, internet, and music.  If you had one you would probably use it every day.  I estimate that the i-phone will render newspapers obsolete by the year 2020.

The problem with the i-phone is that it costs a LOT of MONEY!  Like hundreds of dollars I think.  The company must be getting so rich from it.

It's hard to be an inventor nowadays because almost everything has already been thought up.  You need to do some serious noodle-racking in order to come up with something innovative.  and I'm talking about something BIG, not like that Billy Mays guy and his stupid Hercules Hook Wall Hangers.

One idea I have is a sort of wireless webcam that would also be glasses.  People could dial in and see whatever you're seeing.  The camera would be between the two lenses.

Some things it would be useful for:

1) Okay you know how sometimes you are in your car looking for someone's house that you have never been to before, and then you have to call and ask for directions?  The person at the house could use the internet to look through your camera glasses and help you find the place.

2) Preventing MURDERS!  If you have your camera glasses on and someone shoots you in the face, everyone will be able to see who did it.  That is a deterrent.  Unfortunately, this would not aid in the prevention of Abraham Lincoln type assassinations, but it's a start.

3) If you wear your camera glasses at the movies or a concert or the rodeo, all of your friends can dial in and watch for free!

Another invention I have been thinking about is a telephone headset for pets.  Most animals have never been able to use the telephone because they do not have hands.  With my wireless headset you could make contact with your pets from anywhere.  Like you could call from work to check in from time to time.  "Are you being good?  Where's your ball?"  The call would be received automatically, because animals can't push buttons.  (It would also prevent "screening" if he or she was in the middle of doing something bad.)

Here is a list of prank phone call ideas for your pets:

- Call your cat pretending to be a dog and start barking

- Use a fake celebrity voice ("Hello, this is George W. Bush.  Were you a good boy today?")

- Talk with a fake accent and pretend to be a distant relative from another country

DISCLAIMER: I still need to check with the SPCA to see if making prank phone calls to pets is considered cruelty to animals, so don't do it yet.

By the way don't even THINK about trying to steal one of my ideas.  I have already written them down in a sealed envelope that was stamped by the POST OFFICE.  That is badass official.  If you have an idea for an alternate use or improvement, though, you can write to me and if I wind up using it I'll send you a check.


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No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service

How come?

What if a guy with really fit abs wants to buy something?  and what is cuter than a pretty lady prancing around with bare feet?  They deserve to be able to buy a taco or magazine.

I would like to suggest that this policy is in place because there are CERTAIN patrons that no one wants to see shirtless.  Or with ugly, dirty, bare feet.  So it's the classic case of RUINING IT FOR EVERYBODY.

a progressive-minded supermarket chain should start up "Shirtless Shoeless Singles Night!"  a well-dressed snooty bouncer at the door gets to decide whether or not you are allowed in.

"Madam, this isn't Walmart.  You don't get to come in just because you forgot to put on all of your clothes before shopping.  Now please step aside so that this nice bald gentleman from the Bowflex commercial can get through."

Who came up with No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service?  Was there one specific entrepreneur having SEVERE PROBLEMS?  "Dammit, they're here again, and I just hosed off all the chairs from last time.  I better make a sign."

and notice there's no mention of PANTS.  Because THAT is just left up to common sense.  a completely naked man thinking of stopping for ice cream checks himself and reasons, "Oh, if I at least had a towel or bathing suit on I could go right in there, but DARN it."

Conversely, there are certain places where you HAVE to wear a certain AMOUNT of clothes.  "Jacket and Tie Required," that sort of thing.  That might be a nice idea for Golden Corral.  It would help perpetuate the illusion.

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America facts: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted July 4, 2007)

Okay mofos today is INDEPENDENCE DAY, a day for hot dogs and fireworks and fun but also for appreciating America.  Here are some great America facts!


America was "born" in the late 1700s.  Many important Americans signed a document called the Declaration of Independence.  Those people are now known as the Founding Fathers.

America has a strong army and has participated in many wars.  These include the Gulf War, the Vietnam War, the Civil War, and World War 2.

YOU CANNOT BE U.S. PRESIDENT IF:

- You are too young
- You were not born in the country
- You did something exceptionally bad like murder or wounding a lot of people
- You are camera-shy (that one is more common sense than an actual rule)


The first American flag was sewn by Betsy Ross.  Sexism was rampant back then and sewing was considered to be "women's work" by a lot of men, including George Washington (the President).

America is known as the "great melting pot" because everybody is different here.  Most people in other countries are the same.

If you live in America, you have to pay a lot of TAX.  Money from tax is used to pay for a lot of things including school, the library, the President's salary, roads, the space shuttle, Homeland Security, and parades.

Nearly 1/4 of U.S. Presidents have DIED while in office.  There are several reasons for this.  One, a lot of people want to kill the President.  Two, being President means you will experience tons of stress at almost all times.  That is not good for the body.  and finally, many Presidents have been very old and susceptible to disease, which you can get from shaking hands with a lot of people all the time.

Some things that were invented by Americans:

- Cars
- Planes
- Basketball
- Roller coasters
- Casual Friday
- The I-phone
- Chinese buffet (kind of)
- Dr. Pepper
- Bungee jumping
- Fingerpaints*
- Legos
- Mouthwash
- Jazz

(*unconfirmed)


The population of the United States is over 250 million.  That means if you wanted to meet everybody in the country, it would take at least 300,000 days.  (Note: Impossible, you won't live that long!)

The national mascot is the bald eagle, but they are almost extinct so we might have to pick a new one soon.  If we do have to pick a new one I think a good idea would be a bear.

"Maine" is the only state that rhymes with anything.  Fact.

Most Americans speak English, but a lot of them talk wrong.  (Examples: Brooklyn, Boston, the south)

Every American over the age of 5 has been to the movies at least once.


bE vErY cArEfUl ThIs 4tH oF jUlY

Remember that firecrackers do not go in the mouth.


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