Skywriting

Skywriting was the original Twitter.  It just was way harder to do and the messages were even shorter, usually.

Being a skywriter would be neat, but how exactly do you get that job?  Airlines are pretty STRICT.  Not anybody can just start doing it.  What is the interview process like?

Employer: We need a skywriter that is going to be very serious.

Applicant: I'm your man.

Employer: Also, you can never be TARDY.  Skywriting has to be done at very exact times.  Do you have reliable transportation to and from work?  The plane doesn't count.


(Do people these days still know what "tardy" means?  It kind of sounds like offensive slang, but it isn't.)


So then from there is there some sort of audition?  How do you PRACTICE skywriting?  Everybody sees.

Imagine they instruct you to go up and practice by skywriting the alphabet, and it starts out okay but then you mess up the corners of the "D" and it turns out like a real crappy "O."  If that happens, you're finished.  Don't even think about flying back to try to "cross it out."  The audition is over.  Just land.

and then even if you GET the job, how do they account for people that tend to flip out at work?  Regular airline pilots have a co-pilot that is prepared to take over in the event of an emergency.  Does a skywriter have someone sitting next to him with a syringe and a dictionary?

"I'm here just in case you screw up."


Sometimes there are sky-written marriage proposals.  Not smart.  #1 you didn't write it, idiot.  Another guy did.  Plus HE can fly a plane.  You can't.  Who do you think she is gonna pick to marry?

a sky-written resume or suicide note would be a better IDEA, but there would still be problems.  Too many letters blurring at different rates.

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Where is Ronald McDonald part two: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 26, 2008)

I am still waiting for Ronald McDonald to come back and save his burger franchise.

McDonalds has gone way downhill ever since some guy made a documentary movie in which he ate nothing but McDonalds and then died.  Since that time, McDonalds has made bad changes to its menu, introducing foods no one could ever possibly want like chicken biscuits for BREAKFAST and some kind of walnut salad.  They also have stopped caring about children and only seem interested in selling coffee.

It is time for the corporate STOOGES at McDonalds to wake up and remember why they got into this business in the first place.  McDonalds is supposed to be about giving people what they want.  and what do people want?  BURGERS, FRIES, MCNUGGETS, and APPLE PIE.  Get rid of all the other weird food inventions, if people want to eat a bunch of crap like that they can go to Wendy's.

Now let's not kid ourselves, everybody knows how the scam works.  They give away all the food at dirt-cheap prices and then totally jack the customers on the drinks.  That being the case I think it is time for McDonalds to simplify itself and just go buffet style.  All-you-can-eat burgers and fries for like 4 bucks, everyone would love that.  Kind of a radical change, I know, but there is one man that could smooth it over and get America excited about McDonalds again.

and that man is Ronald McDonald himself.


Here is a script I have been working on for the new McDonalds buffet commercial...

(Some of the corporate stooges are in the McDonalds office having a meeting.)

Stooge 1: Okay, umm, customers are not happy with our new walnut ranch bacon wrap, what should we do next?

Stooge 2: We should raise drink prices.

Stooge 3: No let's invent something else.

Stooge 1: Well uhhh we could make Arch Deluxe 2, I guess.

(Ronald McDonald kicks the door in.  Rap music can be heard playing.)

Stooge 2: Ronald McDonald!  Where have you been?!

Ronald: In your mama.

Stooge 1: Oh hello Ronald, umm, can you please help us fix this horrible mess we've made of your company?

Ronald: Yes, we gotta go buffet style.  All the great food everybody wants at one low price.

Stooge 3: We can't do that, we'll go broke!

Ronald: I do not care about money.

Stooge 1: Okay uhh I guess we could try unlimited burgers and fries but no McNuggets at the buffet, okay?

Ronald: The hell you say, I am Ronald and we're doing it.

Stooge 3: Oh no!

Stooge 2: What about hot apple pies?

Ronald: Unlimited pie for all.

Stooge 1: and Happy Meal toys?

Ronald: Everybody gets two but you gotta buy a drink.

Stooge 3: The ramifications of this will be huge!

(Cut to shot of the Burger King with a gun to his head.)

T O  B E  C O N T I N U E D


The next series of ads will feature Ronald at the buffet hanging out with celebrities, like Prince and Michael Jordan.


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Saturday morning cartoons

Dang but what does a kid enjoy more on a Saturday morning than watching cartoons?  Cartoons are way more fun than soccer and Temple.  At least they USED to be.  Saturday morning cartoons started to get phased out sometime around the O.J. Simpson trial.  (Remember THAT?  He did it, btw.)

Let's forget about murder for awhile and all remember some cartoons together, shall we?

Kids used to wake up so excited on a Saturday morning.  Cereal and pajamas, impatient for laughs and adventure.  The main cartoons didn't start until 8am, so if you got up too early, you would be turning the dial all anxious and desperate.  Anything animated would do, even if it was religious or otherwise lame.

There were some real awesome main cartoons.  Scooby Doo, Superfriends, Fat Albert, and the Smurfs.  There were also some not-so-awesome cartoons, like Happy Days in Outer Space.

Why did this happen?  Why didn't they just show a regular episode of Happy Days instead?  I guess because kids would not want to watch that on a Saturday morning.  Outer space adventures are much more exciting, especially when they're FONZIFIED.  (tm Captain Dan)

Other TV shows made weird transitions to the Saturday cartoon schedule as well.

(The Gary Coleman one was before he died for real.)


The Snorks should have attacked the Smurfs.  Ratings gold.  The Smurfs ran out of ideas after like the seventh season, and the Snorks were never too popular anyway, so why not turn them into the bad guys?  Could the Snorks breathe on land?  Probably not.  So they would have to attack and eat the Smurfs all Jaws-style.

***cArToOn tRiViA***

Q: What color is Smurf blood?

A: Black.

One of the highest-rated Saturday morning cartoons EVER was Muppet Babies.  I have issues with it, though.  #1 how come Rowlf the Dog was the only Muppet Baby that had to wear a diaper?

Was it supposed to be some sort of "not housebroken yet" joke?  Also WHO the F is "SKEETER?"

That is NOT a valid Muppet.  They had to pick ten Muppets for the show out of like a MILLION but somehow couldn't find TEN that they were happy with.  They actually invented a new one.  Why couldn't Sam the Eagle be a Muppet Baby?  Or else Dr. Teeth or that idiot that throws the fish?  I guess they didn't want Miss Piggy to be the only girl.  One girl is not enough for a TV cartoon about animal puppets that are also babies, you need two.  I wasn't there, but I assure you that employed people sat in a meeting at a TABLE and reasoned that out.  Good work.

Good work to you as well, creators of Rubik the Amazing Cube.

There could have been a Swedish Chef Muppet Baby or something like that.

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Whales and dolphins: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 17, 2008)

First of all whales and dolphins are not mammals, I don't care what anybody says.  It's like when people try to tell you that a watermelon is a vegetable.

There are special resorts you can go to if you want to hang out with dolphins but it costs a LOT of money!  The money pays for the training, which is important.  Don't just jump in the ocean and expect dolphins to be cool and want to hang out for free.  They won't.

Has a killer whale ever killed somebody?  They seem so friendly.  When it finally happens no one should have the nerve to act surprised.

Dolphins are supposed to be smart and easy to train, kind of like dogs.  If we kept them as pets I wonder if they would still do bad stuff sometimes.  You come home and your dolphin has been in the garbage again.

Male dolphins are called "bulls," females are called "cows," and the children are called "calves."  All of this was stolen and needs to be changed for obvious reasons.  We can't have some kid looking at a picture of a lady dolphin and the caption says "a cow."  (Dolphin cow all smiling in the picture, not caring about being named that...)

Don't ever put something in a whale or dolphin's blowhole, that is how they BREATHE.  Well I guess it might be okay to put a cough drop in there, but no rocks or pennies.

Whale songs are not too good, but maybe we just picked bad whales to listen to.  How can a scientist tell if the whale he's listening to is the equivalent of Michael Bolton?  Somewhere out there is a Springsteen whale, waiting to be discovered.


Click HERE.

Are Energizer and Duracell still enemies?

Those two companies used to REALLY hate each other.  Both equally determined to solidify their position as the #1 battery manufacturer.  There were lots of lawsuits and dirty tactics.  Thank God the rivalry never became outright violent.  Many injuries could have been suffered in neighborhood skirmishes and schoolyard scraps if either side's loyalists ever took up arms.  You can't actually "shoot" a person with a battery-powered toy laser gun but you can crack somebody real good on top of the head with it.

Nowadays, Energizer and Duracell are still running neck-and-neck as the top two battery brands, but there seems to be way less hostility.  I guess both companies ultimately realized that nobody cares what BRAND of battery is inside something.  You just want it to be one that's actively providing power.  The only time you look at a battery is when it's broken.  Otherwise they are always kept in hidden compartments.  You have no idea what's in there.  Until it STOPS working and then you go to take the dead battery out and that's the only time you recognize what the brand name is.  "Stupid broken wall clock!  Why did you stop working?  I'll just turn this clock around and have a look...oh Duracell again.  FIGURES."

Why put your name on the battery at all?  They already bought it.  Leave that shit blank, no one will be able to trace it to you after it dies.

Ever wish you could own and run the #1 battery company in the WORLD?  I'm sure you do, otherwise why would you be reading this?  So I will tell you how to do it.  There's an easy way to market a battery that would be heralded as superior to all other batteries.  The most popular battery of all time.  No one would ever want or buy any other kind.  and it's all so simple.

You introduce a battery that's...

"included."

ALWAYS included, with any electronic board game or lady toy that needs one.  The manufacturers of battery-dependent products would have to raise their prices a little in order to compensate you, but they would happily do so.  Nobody likes having to buy the batteries separate.  It's not "upselling," it is a SCAM.  It's not like being offered a drink, credit card, or extended warranty.  You need the batteries or else things like toy lightsabers and Electronic Battleship will simply not function.

Then again if Energizer and Duracell have been telling the TRUTH all this time, you could probably just find some around the house that still work decently okay.

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Hurricanes: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 12, 2008)

There are two certainties in life: Hurricanes and taxes.

Everybody these days is being killed or frightened by hurricanes.  Most of the victims are the poor working class.  Rich people are usually able to escape hurricanes using their expensive CORPORATE JETS.  It is unfair, but so are hurricanes.

Hurricanes are very dangerous.  Wind gusts often exceed 50 miles per hour.  Here are some ways you can die in a hurricane:

- Drowning

- Blown off a roof

- Hit in the head with flying debris

- Electrocution

- Heart attacks

- Trampling

- Bitten by spooked rattlesnake

- Murder


Q: How do they decide what to name a hurricane?

A: They ask the President, but he always picks a name that starts with "A" and then the next one is "B" and so on.  He starts over at the beginning of the year.

Why don't earthquakes get names too?  Not as cute I guess.


Okay so that's basically all you need to know about hurricanes.  One is supposed to happen this weekend so everybody get ready.  If you have any last-minute questions you can e-mail me.


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Game shows

On Jeopardy you used to have to answer in the form of a question.

WHY!?!

The smartest idiots in the world have to abide by this nonsensical dumb rule or else they LOSE MONEY.  It's like if you were FORCED to play chess using only your left hand.  Or else the right if you were one of those people that was somehow born opposite.  Imagine how stupid it would be if you lost points in chess for touching one of the action figures with your functional hand.  That's how Jeopardy was.  For YEARS.


There was this problem on Wheel of Fortune where everybody figured out what the most common letters were.  R-S-T-L-N-E

So the show had to ADAPT and start inventing puzzles that did not include those specific letters.  It was a good idea EXCEPT for the fact (yes FACT) that, for some dipwad reason, they decided to let the contestants choose bonus letters too.  Why did they do that?  Wheel of Fortune puzzles are SUPPOSED to be mind-bogglingly impossible.

For example, something like "BIRD'S NEST"

__R_'S NEST

...is always EASY to guess whereas "XANTHAN GUM"

__NT__N ___

...would be hopelessly difficult.

How exciting would it be, though, to see somebody correctly guess "XANTHAN GUM" without the benefit of bonus letters?  and also to see Vanna turn around an APOSTROPHE?  Stuff like that is what makes television so exciting.


Sometimes on Price Is Right somebody tries to be all shrewd by guessing $1 on something that is almost certainly priced WAY HIGHER than that.  The contestant in question figures that everybody else guessed prices that were much too high and wrong, so they just guess $1 as this sort-of bold attempt to undermine the whole system.  Sometimes it works.  Why do they always guess exactly $1 though?  Why not guess $16 or $120 dollars on something that obviously costs more like a THOUSAND?  You'd win anyway.  What idiots.


Who fills out the surveys for Family Feud?  Just the most boring people ever?

"We asked 100 people to name a food that people eat for breakfast."

and then the result is that 42% of the allegedly random sample said "CEREAL."

33% said "EGGS."

Then there's pancakes, bacon, and at the VERY END like 2% of people picked "COLD PIZZA."

I understand that cereal probably IS the actual #1 thing people eat for breakfast, but if you are the person taking the survey, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU GET OUT OF STATING THAT?  Be creative!  Only 2% of people thought to say "COLD PIZZA?"  REALLY?  and it's easy to say "Well, nobody cares!" but if THAT'S the case, WHY ARE YOU TAKING THE SURVEY IN THE FIRST PLACE?  Do you get MONEY for "right" answers?  If not, fuck it.  "What do people eat for breakfast?  Pork chops.  Write that down RIGHT NOW or else it's game show FRAUD."


Hollywood Squares was the most peculiar of all.  The rules made no sense.  Why would celebrities want to trick contestants into not getting the right answer?

Host: Hey Richard Mulligan, who was the first man on the moon?

Richard Mulligan: Luciano Pavarotti.

Host: Are you sure about that, Richard Mulligan?

Richard Mulligan: No but what the FUCK does it matter to ME?

Host: Contestant, agree or disagree?

Contestant: dIsAgReE!

Host: Circle gets the squaaaaare!

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Back to school: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 2, 2008)

Well it's September which means everybody has to go back to school.

The first thing you gotta do is make book covers out of paper bags, man.  You gotta put one of those on every book they give you.  Then you can use a magic marker to write "SOCIAL STUDIES" on it.  If you don't have a magic marker you just have to memorize your books by thickness and the color of the rim.

Next you need to make sure you have plenty of sharp pencils.  Any pencils that are not completely sharpened should be taken to the pencil sharpener.  Turn the crank until you think your pencil is sharp.  and BE CAREFUL.  Don't be that stupid kid that either turns the crank the wrong direction or just gets too wild with his cranking and then the thing falls off and pencil dust goes everywhere.

There is also this pencil sharpener mishap that can happen where the yellow part of the pencil starts peeling off and there's no way to fix it so you will be stuck with this weird naked pencil that's all wood-colored.

Everything at school is done in single-file lines.  No standing around in loose groups.  No walking next to somebody.  These are important rules.

I think the most important rule is RAISING YOUR HAND.  You raise your hand if you want to say something.  Sometimes the teacher will ignore a kid for some reason and he sits there with his arm raised forever.  The arm gets tired so he has to switch, and then there's this thing you can do where you use one arm to support the other at the elbow so you can keep it raised for long durations.  If you don't raise your hand you can't get up to use the LAVATORY, which is what they call the bathroom at school for some reason.

By the way why are magic markers called that?  People in old tymes must have been easily impressed.


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Rock, rap, and metal

a lot of people enjoy talking about music.  When someone asks me what kind of music I like, I give one answer.

"Rock and Roll."

I don't just say "rock."  I don't say "a lot of kinds."  I say "Rock and Roll."  It is here to stay, whether religious types and Hee-Haw fans like it or not.

and if someone asks "Do you like Rock and Roll music?" I always say "definitely."  I almost never get asked that exact question, though.  It only happened once when I met Chubby Checker at the mall.


Most heavy metal fans become attracted to the genre at a young age.  Not too many people jump on the bandwagon real late in life.  It's much easier to gain the initial acceptance when you're young.  a bunch of people will be standing around "banging their heads" to Judas Priest and some new kid will walk up and say "Hey fellas, can I listen to Judas Priest too?" and they'll say "Sure!" and all start banging together.

Make sure you know what you're talking about, though!  While it's easy to be welcomed INTO the circle, it's also easy to become ostracized if you say the wrong thing.

Kid 1: Man, Eddie Van Halen can really shred, man.

Kid 2: Yeah, I really like the keyboard riff from "Jump!"

Next thing you know you're all ditched and confused in the Denny's parking lot.

"What did I say?"

To be accepted as an older person is nearly impossible.  Your mom picks you up from your shift at the mall and is listening to "Master of Puppets."

Kid: Mom, what are you doing?

Mom: It's Metallica.  I've been getting into this lately.

Kid: Well stop it.

Mom: James Hetfield plays a really good "axe."

Kid: STOP IT.


Speaking of Hee-Haw, since I pretty much always am, there should have been a metal version that would not only feature guest bands but also a full spectrum of cartoonish metalhead characters cracking jokes in a field.  Metalheads hang out in fields a lot too, but usually for different reasons.


I don't know much about rap music or rap culture.  I just know that there are two coasts, East and West, and that the two coasts do not like each other.  There have been multiple murders over this, so first of all let me go on the record and say that I have loyalty to NEITHER.  I am just neutral when it comes to rap, like Switzerland or Texas.  So any rappers reading this please do not kill me.

Instead of violence, I think a better and much more peaceful way for either coast to establish true rap dominance would be to get the official endorsement of Coast soap.

It would be a pretty shrewd deal.  The soap company would lend its "cred" to either the East or the West, and the rappers on that coast would return the favor in kind.

Coast has the scent
That open your EYES
Put Zest in my tub
and some muthafucka DIES

Something like that.

Of course the opposing coast would feel the need to "respond" (they always do) so they'd probably hash out a deal with another soap company and soon there'd be all kinds of soap-related threats and disses back and forth.  There's only one "Coast" soap though, so it wouldn't be the same.

"You're not fully dead until your ZESTFULLY dead" doesn't carry the same impact.

Your girl was pure like Ivory
99.44
But not any MORE
I did that WHORE on the FLOOR

Lame.

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