Muslim Fashion Show

I understand the difference between warm-blooded and cold-blooded animals, but it's weird when you see ducks swimming in winter.  Creek all icy and there's ducks in there.  "STOP SWIMMING IN THAT!  PUT ON A TOWEL!"

I also get mad (I have anger issues) when I see seagulls in parking lots loitering around waiting for Burger King scraps.  GO TO THE BEACH.  The very BEST part of being a seagull has to be, #1, being able to FLY but then also somehow being able to spot and eat things right out of natural WATER.  How do they do that?

Bears, too.  I understand that most bears are born with gifts but how does a bear just snatch a fish right out of the water all natural?  SMOKEY the Bear hates fire but I wonder if a regular, not anal-retentive bear ever started a very small campfire to safely cook fish upon (UPON).  Bears are weird animals, man.  Then again, find me a normal one.

I AM NORMALLY AGAINST KILLING SPIDERS.  They HELP.  But I SWEAR to GOD (yes HIM) SPIDER WEB ALL OVER THE SIDE VIEW MIRROR OF THE CAR EVERY SINGLE GOD (oops) DAMN MORNING?  and it ain't even all fanciful like Charlotte's Web or anything.  Yet I never can catch or find or see the actual spider doing it.  IT'S PRETTY FRUSTRATING.  You can tell by the CAPS.

I did once catch a mosquito in the act of biting, but there was no justice.  The damage was already done.

Also the only time I ever got stung by a bee was when I was delivering newspapers as a kid (I have a slightly better job now) and a bee decided to land on my HEAD so I swatted at him/her (wow are most bees boys or girls?  I never thought about that before) and it stung my finger but I did manage to get revenge by stepping on and subsequently killing that sucka afterwards.  I owned that bee.

Does the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee HATE on "regular" Cheerios?  He never says anything about it.  Sometimes little boys going through potty-training are given Cheerios in the toilet to "aim" at.  It's like Space Invaders, but different.  Is there extra potty-training value if the Cheerio is FROSTED?

Enquiring minds want to know.

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The Lion, the Bitch, and the Horrordrobe

(The bitch is the evil dentist.  "Horrordrobe" is obviously not a word but I'm on a deadline and couldn't think of anything better.)

So obviously this maniac dentist did a terrible thing.  There is no reason for me to supply my own personal "take" on it, it was just horrible.  (a DENTIST is HIDING.)


So instead, let's just talk about some reasons why lions are great.

#1 they are trustworthy.  You can stick your head right in their mouths and they don't care.  This has been well documented.  I tried it at African Lion Safari and the lion was totally cool with it.  They unfairly kicked me out anyway though, as usual.  Whatever.

Lions are nocturnal.  That's why you never see them DO anything at the zoo.  I wonder what goes on at night?  (Let's be honest, probably sex.)  If the zookeeper is nice he probably pumps some Barry White out of his bluetooth.

Female lions are SCIENTIFICALLY drawn to the males with the fullest manes.  So that's another strike against all you bald dudes right there.

Not bald:

WHITE lions are cool, and also good at music.

Lions can ROAR really well, but don't do it back at them.  The zoo says not to.  It's like how you can't tap on an aquarium.  Mooing out the car window at cows is still okay, though.  Cows don't give a shit.  About anything.

a fun fact is that lions are also considered KINGS.  I kind of wonder how the British Royal Family feels about that.  "You can't just CALL somebody a king or queen.  You have to EARN it."

Do you?

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We gotta make this Donald Trump thing even more ridiculous

What's to lose, at this point?  This guy is laughing all the way to the BANK.

Who is his Vice President going to be?  #1 suggestion that will seal the deal:

Then someone will assassinate Trump (I am NOT threatening the President, he isn't that yet) and Bruce takes over and everybody is so happy for her.

Remember when "weird" Presidents were just actors and football players and stuff?  That seemed pretty bizarre at the TIME.

What changed?

He's going to win, by the way.  Remember Jesse the Body becoming governor?  Everybody had the nerve to act surprised.  YOU VOTED.  Who in hell lost to him?  Imagine how he/she/it felt.

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How To Use Chopsticks/ Just Put Everything On A Baked Potato Already (a first time EVER Captain Dan TWO FOR ONE blog!)

Here is how you use chopsticks.

You put the left one in your left hand and the right one in your right hand.  Then you pretend to play the drums.

Chopsticks also make neat fake antennae.  Especially for completely bald people since they pretty much look like aliens anyway.

How do not-Chinese people LEARN to use chopsticks?  Somebody tell me.  Is there a COURSE?  There's a billion people over there, one of you is reading this.

PART TWO

Baked potato toppings:

Butter
Bacon
CHIVES
Sour cream
Potato CHIPS
Ketchup
Cheese
Potato skins (from a different potato)
Marijuana
Sprinkles
MSG
a fried egg
Steak sauce
Doritos


There should be baked potato FIGHTS.  Like snowball fights except way more different and wasteful.  Don't bother with toppings if you use this idea, though.  That's just EXTRA waste.

***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER***  Do NOT ever attempt to HURT someone with a baked potato, unless it's by serving it to them way too quickly.


Here is a very bald man that once ate a baked potato WITH chopsticks:

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TV romance 101

Remember "Friends?"  The TV show?  Why did they just not have constant orgies?

"Because that would be wrong."

How did Blanche get away with being such a whore on Golden Girls?  Old lady Sophia was so quick with the jokes but never had the guts to say "Blanche, where's the cheesecake?  Oh pardon me I see now that a man in a bathrobe has smeared it all over you.  Carry on."

(Professional note: That show won EMMY AWARDS.)

"Alf" got cancelled too soon.  He wasn't given time to meet and subsequently romance some sort of she-Alf.  Like Latka from "Taxi" did. and geez the Muppets.  I am hardly the first person to point out that a frog and a pig doing each other is wrong, but it is.  Even Blanche would not stand for that.

"iF yOu tHeW a pArTy..."

Gay marriage is all the rage these days.  Wedding episodes of TV shows always garner (yes GARNER) huge ratings.  Imagine Larry and Balki from "Perfect Strangers" finally getting married.  At the Sonic drive-thru.  Amazing ratings hit, plus sponsored by Sonic.  Everybody wins!

Imagine Luke and Bo finally marrying.  Errr, wait.  They were cousins, so that's not right.  Imagine Boss Hogg and Uncle Jesse... errrR...let's not.

Imagine Daisy Duke in general.

(da da da da da da da DA DA DA t**s)

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Do couples fight over pet names?

Obviously if it is a human kid there are these well-known classic arguments.

Husband: I think "Jennifer" would be a nice name.

Wife: No way, I like "Fanny."

Husband: YOU CAN'T NAME A KID THAT.

Wife: WHY NOT?  OH, BECAUSE IT'S *MY* IDEA?

Husband: AUUUUUGGGHHHH!  I HATE YOU!

Wife: AUUUUGGGHHHH!  I HATE YOU TOO FOR NOT LIKING "FANNY!"


...aaand that's how a relationship usually goes.


But does the same thing happen with pets?  and if so, how important of an animal do you have to be to be rage-worthy?

I could see if you are a horse...

Husband: Let's call him "Brock."

Wife: This is a girl horse, duh.  Let's call her "Meadow."

Husband: GIRL HORSE God DAMMIT.  I wasted money!  I should have looked.


Other animals, off the top of my head.  Two people trying to name a parrot...

Wife: I like "Polly."

Husband:  NO.  That's stupid.  You don't name the BIRD "Polly."  You name the BIRD "Cracker."  See?  THAT is what's smart.  THAT is what's clever.  THAT is...  GOD DAMMIT I LEFT THE WINDOW OPEN.  WHERE'S THE BIRD??? ..... IT LEFT!


Big fight over a goldfish name...

I really like "Goldie."

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Bad candy tastes bad

Who in hell eats Black Twizzlers?  Imagine somebody on some streetcorner all like, "I *SWEAR* by these."

Ain't no cinnamon Gummy Worms.  Wonder why?  NOBODY WOULD EAT THAT.

Even him.

Blow Pop vs Tootsie Pop: What would you rather find in the middle?  "I like bubble gum!"  "Not me, I prefer a Starburst that tastes bad and is uncomfortably brown."

There should be a lollipop that has a breath mint in the middle.  I am always so full of these good ideas.  Not proud of them, but certainly full.

Does anyone ENJOY eating a CANDY COIN?  If so get back at me.

IS THERE A KRISPIE VERSION OF THAT?

Okay, since I'm clearly delirious at this point, let's talk about Nerds.

No, no, not that.  I mean NERDS.

That's a top candy right there, same as real-life nerds make the most money.  Well, besides people that are gifted at sports.  They make a lot more.  Take LeBron James for example:

He could have a full-size outdoor swimming pool full of Nerds candy if he FELT like it.  Really think about that.  It would get all contaminated like the bulk candy bin at the supermarket, so you couldn't actually EAT them.  But man, that deep end.  Imagine a belly flop.

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