Bowling

One thing that everybody likes to do is go bowling. Is it a fundamental American past-time, I guess because anybody can play, and Americans like to be included in stuff. (Examples: Most wars, wine-making.)

When you roll a bowling ball, the idea is to knock down all of the pins. I have done this in my life. In fact there are five-year-old children that have done it. It's nothing special. That is why most champion bowlers do not enjoy a lot of celebrity. They are never asked to endorse anything, including mustache combs and beer nuts.

See there are a lot of feats of athleticism the average person can excel at. You can shoot a basketball through a hoop, run really far with a football, or serve a tennis ball over a net. But if you want to compete in those sports, there is this concept of DEFENSE that will likely stand in the way of any significant accomplishments. When you try to run with the football, someone better than you will tackle you. When you hit the tennis ball, someone will be waiting to whack it back in your face. Bowling does not incorporate any defense at all.

So how could we change the rules? Well first of all the tackling is probably out of the question. Someone could stand in front of the pins like a goalie, but even the worst bowling goalie ("bowlie") is probably going to be able to stop every shot.

Maybe the best idea would simply be to let the participants say or do distracting things as the other person is trying to bowl. Yell out "HEYDONTMISS!" and stuff like that. You could jump around waving your arms, slide in front of the lane as he's lining up his shot, make personal attacks on his family, lots of possibilites. Concentration is an important part of bowling, it should be emphasized more.

Now I'm sure that any big-time bowlers out there that are reading this are completely outraged. You are saying, "You FOOL! You aren't good at bowling just because you got a strike ONCE. We bowling champions have done it HUNDREDS OF TIMES!" Well, shut-up. You know what else people do hundreds of times? Without messing up? Drive to work. Put on pants. Eat Chinese food WITH the chopsticks. and nobody gives them no trophy.

Another idea I would like is, if you get a strike, add more pins the next time. If you knocked down 10, try 15! 15 no problem? Go for 21! If you kept getting better you could eventually try for one of those elaborate domino set-ups, except with bowling pins. Where would you set it up, though? Better just use regular dominos and a marble.