First day of spring!

Well the snow has melted and it is now spring. The sun is shining and there are squirrels and bunnies and dogs and elk running around everywhere. It is a very exciting time of year.

The beginning of spring is officially called the "vernal equinox." I don't know who named it that, probably one of the old Presidents that was really into science fiction. Most people say "first day of spring" instead because it is better to use plain English. Almost everyone can understand basic English unless they aren't from here, and in those cases inventing new words and terms just adds to the confusion.

As a tax-paying citizen, you are obligated to take part in SPRING CLEANING. Take down those Christmas lights already! Clean up all those carrots and pipes and other snowman debris. You know who you are.

If you are like anybody else you are going to want to plant a garden. There are literally dozens of things you can grow, ranging from flowers to 300-pound watermelons. Gardening can be a fun and rewarding hobby, but there are many hurdles you will have to overcome. These include animals eating the crops, weeds, insects, frost, irrigation issues, sunburn, and thieves.

You know it's finally spring when you open a window and hear birds singing. Except they don't really "sing," do they? They just kind of yell and scream. Maybe they're excited, like little kids on Christmas morning. "HEY THE GROUND IS EXTRA-WORMY TODAY!" "COOL MAN, MUST BE SPRING!" "YEAH." Birds are pretty good about finding their own food, and yet people, especially old folks, are always wanting to feed them. Sometimes they even build houses for them. Old people are sugar daddies for birds.

Spring is a happy time of year, but it also rains a lot. Rain clouds are a symbol of depression. Umbrellas should be the opposite. The spokesman for Paxil or Zoloft should be a cartoon talking umbrella. He would open himself above a wet, depressed person. Then they smile, and there's suddenly a rainbow. Maybe with a big bottle of medication at the end of it, instead of a pot of gold. Why do advertising executives make so much money? These ideas write themselves.