Well the big news this past week was that Tiger Woods is now divorced. That's right ladies he's SINGLE. Watch for him on e-harmony.
So basically he went through all that counseling and sex addiction therapy for nothing. He can just start doing bad stuff again if he feels like it.
It's Tiger Woods Mark II, the loveable swinging bachelor. (Ha ha "swinging," get it? He plays golf.) With some careful repackaging, I think his popularity could once again skyrocket.
Some ideas:
- BLUE polo shirt instead of red
- Hang out with some well-respected luminaries, like Hank Aaron and Gary Shandling
- Tiger Woods: ANIMAL LOVER! He has only ever done bad stuff to people, never animals. So run with that. It would be like the opposite of what happened to Michael Vick. (and his name is TIGER! It's the perfect angle.)
- Lots of good-natured practical joking on the golf course, such as Bill Murray does
ATTENTION ALL GREAT MOVIE PRODUCERS: I am writing a movie script about the life of Tiger Woods. Parts of it will be X-rated, but that's okay. Problem is who can play Tiger Woods? Nobody looks like him. He may have to be computer-generated. His porn star mistresses can play themselves, unless they ask for lots of money. If they do that just hire some different bad ladies instead. James Earl Jones can play the ghost of his dead father.
Here is part of the script:
Dad: Shame on you, son. I was watching from heaven the whole time.
Tiger: WHAT?
Dad: That's right, I saw EVERYTHING.
Tiger: Give me guidance, father.
Dad: No. In fact I'm gonna appear and yell "BOO!" right in your ear next time you're attempting a tournament-winning putt.
Tiger: I guess I deserve that. Because of my sins.
Dad: For now I must go.
Tiger: WAIT. What is heaven like?
Dad: Not telling. Good-bye, son.
Tiger: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Then James Earl Jones DISAPPEARS, and Tiger Woods uses a golf club to smash all his material possessions in rage and shame. That's the turning point, though, and by the end of the movie he is good.
I will tell you more about the script when it is finished.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Amusement parks
You're not allowed to go on the rides if you tend to get heart attacks. Imagine that scene, the roller coaster pulls back up and a dead guy is on it. Everyone still wants to get on, but now they have to wait. Person sitting next to the dead man all "I don't even know this guy! I just had nobody to ride with."
Some people are afraid of roller coasters. and other large rides that drop you from a height. But if you afraid of a ferris wheel, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan. That's some straight-up cowardice. and you can QUOTE me on that.
If you fall out of an amusement park ride, but wind up basically okay, don't sue. If you're good-natured about it they'll put your picture in the newspaper and stuff. "This guy fell out." Also, once you are able to stand, you should immediately get back in line and ride the thing again. Everyone would clap.
a lot of parks have people in animal costumes saying hello to all the children. This idea was stolen from Disney, but Disney steals most of its ideas from books, so they are in no position to complain. Since nobody likes child molesters, the people inside the costumes are usually cute college girls that are working as summer interns. I bring it up because one time I saw a hot lady getting her picture taken on the Tasmanian Devil's lap. Still not sure what to make of that.
When people go to amusement parks, they like to eat cotton candy. Cotton candy is not available in supermarkets or restaurants. You can only eat it outside and with a lot of people around. Fried dough is like that too. and snow cones. I guess the formula is to create something with a minimal number of ingredients that people can eat with their hands.
Some ideas:
- Frosted pancakes
- a big slab of ground, fried corn (like a giant Dorito)
If you want a beer at the amusement park, you normally have to remain inside a designated section. The "Beer Garden" or whatever. It's like the world coolest jail. You only have to stay there for five minutes and you get to drink alcohol the whole time.
What's left to accomplish if you're an amusement park designer? How about some COMBINATIONS? Like a roller coaster on which you also somehow get wet, or one where you get off at the TOP, and then there's a teacup ride up there. Then you get back on the coaster and it takes you down, and you break through a big paper banner that says "CONGRATULATIONS!" Some balloons and confetti at the end would be a nice touch, too.
Some people are afraid of roller coasters. and other large rides that drop you from a height. But if you afraid of a ferris wheel, maaaaaaaaaaaaaan. That's some straight-up cowardice. and you can QUOTE me on that.
If you fall out of an amusement park ride, but wind up basically okay, don't sue. If you're good-natured about it they'll put your picture in the newspaper and stuff. "This guy fell out." Also, once you are able to stand, you should immediately get back in line and ride the thing again. Everyone would clap.
a lot of parks have people in animal costumes saying hello to all the children. This idea was stolen from Disney, but Disney steals most of its ideas from books, so they are in no position to complain. Since nobody likes child molesters, the people inside the costumes are usually cute college girls that are working as summer interns. I bring it up because one time I saw a hot lady getting her picture taken on the Tasmanian Devil's lap. Still not sure what to make of that.
When people go to amusement parks, they like to eat cotton candy. Cotton candy is not available in supermarkets or restaurants. You can only eat it outside and with a lot of people around. Fried dough is like that too. and snow cones. I guess the formula is to create something with a minimal number of ingredients that people can eat with their hands.
Some ideas:
- Frosted pancakes
- a big slab of ground, fried corn (like a giant Dorito)
If you want a beer at the amusement park, you normally have to remain inside a designated section. The "Beer Garden" or whatever. It's like the world coolest jail. You only have to stay there for five minutes and you get to drink alcohol the whole time.
What's left to accomplish if you're an amusement park designer? How about some COMBINATIONS? Like a roller coaster on which you also somehow get wet, or one where you get off at the TOP, and then there's a teacup ride up there. Then you get back on the coaster and it takes you down, and you break through a big paper banner that says "CONGRATULATIONS!" Some balloons and confetti at the end would be a nice touch, too.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sick of "BACK TO SCHOOL" commercials
I've been seeing these since mid-July. CALM DOWN. It ain't damn Christmas.
and much like Christmas, every store wants in on it. "Toys R Us, your home for all your back to school needs." Really? ALL? I bet you don't have a COMPASS. and I don't think people need a home for back to school needs. You only need a certain, small number of "homes" in your life. a regular home, maybe a summer home, and a home for local news. That's about it. The rest of the time you can get by just roaming around.
"Pizza Hut, the place to eat after back to school shopping!" No it ain't.
"CVS Pharmacy: Don't forget to buy plenty of back to school MEDICINE!"
All you need for school is a pen and some paper. I went there, that's basically all I ever used. Yet kids are given this list of about 100 things they are supposed to buy. "You need a highlighter, a protractor, rainbow stickers with your name on them, some Kleenex, a little shoe-shine kit, etc." Shut-up. What would happen if a kid rebelled and refused to buy something?
"Martin Anthony Lombardi, where is your RULER?"
"I didn't buy one."
"We are all trying to draw a STRAIGHT LINE! How can you draw a straight line without a RULER?!"
"My plan was to just use the edge of my book."
Teacher screeches like a dragon, and a moment later Martin Anthony Lombardi is headless.
(I made that name up out of nowhere, but doesn't it sound real? Like an actual kid that would be in school?)
and where do you put all this junk that you buy? INSIDE the desk. That's so clever. That system would not work for adult desks, though. Too much coffee would get spilled.
The best thing kids get to pick out is a lunchbox. That is such a commitment. No changing your mind in the middle of November. "But I don't LIKE Hangin' with Mr. Cooper anymore!"
I have not used a protractor in real life even ONE TIME. I use a compass but not in the manner it was meant to be used. It's great for fine-tuning your Jack-o-Lantern.
and much like Christmas, every store wants in on it. "Toys R Us, your home for all your back to school needs." Really? ALL? I bet you don't have a COMPASS. and I don't think people need a home for back to school needs. You only need a certain, small number of "homes" in your life. a regular home, maybe a summer home, and a home for local news. That's about it. The rest of the time you can get by just roaming around.
"Pizza Hut, the place to eat after back to school shopping!" No it ain't.
"CVS Pharmacy: Don't forget to buy plenty of back to school MEDICINE!"
All you need for school is a pen and some paper. I went there, that's basically all I ever used. Yet kids are given this list of about 100 things they are supposed to buy. "You need a highlighter, a protractor, rainbow stickers with your name on them, some Kleenex, a little shoe-shine kit, etc." Shut-up. What would happen if a kid rebelled and refused to buy something?
"Martin Anthony Lombardi, where is your RULER?"
"I didn't buy one."
"We are all trying to draw a STRAIGHT LINE! How can you draw a straight line without a RULER?!"
"My plan was to just use the edge of my book."
Teacher screeches like a dragon, and a moment later Martin Anthony Lombardi is headless.
(I made that name up out of nowhere, but doesn't it sound real? Like an actual kid that would be in school?)
and where do you put all this junk that you buy? INSIDE the desk. That's so clever. That system would not work for adult desks, though. Too much coffee would get spilled.
The best thing kids get to pick out is a lunchbox. That is such a commitment. No changing your mind in the middle of November. "But I don't LIKE Hangin' with Mr. Cooper anymore!"
I have not used a protractor in real life even ONE TIME. I use a compass but not in the manner it was meant to be used. It's great for fine-tuning your Jack-o-Lantern.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Texting while driving
The hugest problem ever. How do we stop it? It's almost impossible to catch somebody. Texting in the car is such a subtle crime, like eating grapes at the supermarket or looking at boobs for too long.
It is up to nerds and scientists, as usual, to come up with some TECHNOLOGY that makes texting while driving undesirable. Maybe a microchip embedded in your license plate that sends the text right to the cops along with your driver's license ID. Then another microchip causes the car to stall, and you have 60 seconds to get out before it EXPLODES.
What is the subject matter of all these texts? Is it like a modern CB radio? Are people emulating "Smokey and the Bandit?"
More likely it's lives being risked for the sake of the MOST BORING CONVERSATIONS EVER.
Idiot 1: where u at
Idiot 2: my car
Idiot 1: cool want 2 hang out
Idiot 2: ok
Idiot 1: cool what shirt can i wear
Idiot 2: a blue 1
Idiot 1: cool
or maybe I'm totally wrong and there are special important debates taking place between texters as they weave in and out of high speed lanes.
Scientist 1: got 2 act now b4 global warming cauz dmg
Scientist 2: ?
Scientist 1: ppl got 2 b real
Scientist 2: y?
Scientist 1: ice caps meltin bears dyin no mo coral reefs we b doomed
Scientist 2: lol fuk u
Some other things that distract people while driving:
- GIRLS (either the nagging kind inside the car or the good-looking kind outside the car)
- Billboards
- Fireworks
- Animals running in and out of the road
- Helicopters
- Kites
- Falling rocks
- People sitting next to you in the car reciting inane conspiracy theories
- DVDs
- Corn
- National monuments
- Spongebob waving at you
- Hot coffee spilled in the lap
- Blowing garbage
- The Alphabet Game
- Cops
Back to the CB thing, why didn't Boss Hogg just make CB radios illegal? They were not hands-free. He would've nabbed those Duke Boys for certain! "Research has shown that drivers operating a CB radio in the car tend to be the cause or victim of one or more car crashes per day." He'd have been totally justified.
The police would still be able to use them, for law enforcement purposes. They could text too.
Boss Hogg: roscoe did u catch the dukes?
Roscoe: no
Boss Hogg: y?
Roscoe: stuck in swamp, brb
Boss Hogg: dip-stick!
Roscoe: >:(
It is up to nerds and scientists, as usual, to come up with some TECHNOLOGY that makes texting while driving undesirable. Maybe a microchip embedded in your license plate that sends the text right to the cops along with your driver's license ID. Then another microchip causes the car to stall, and you have 60 seconds to get out before it EXPLODES.
What is the subject matter of all these texts? Is it like a modern CB radio? Are people emulating "Smokey and the Bandit?"
More likely it's lives being risked for the sake of the MOST BORING CONVERSATIONS EVER.
Idiot 1: where u at
Idiot 2: my car
Idiot 1: cool want 2 hang out
Idiot 2: ok
Idiot 1: cool what shirt can i wear
Idiot 2: a blue 1
Idiot 1: cool
or maybe I'm totally wrong and there are special important debates taking place between texters as they weave in and out of high speed lanes.
Scientist 1: got 2 act now b4 global warming cauz dmg
Scientist 2: ?
Scientist 1: ppl got 2 b real
Scientist 2: y?
Scientist 1: ice caps meltin bears dyin no mo coral reefs we b doomed
Scientist 2: lol fuk u
Some other things that distract people while driving:
- GIRLS (either the nagging kind inside the car or the good-looking kind outside the car)
- Billboards
- Fireworks
- Animals running in and out of the road
- Helicopters
- Kites
- Falling rocks
- People sitting next to you in the car reciting inane conspiracy theories
- DVDs
- Corn
- National monuments
- Spongebob waving at you
- Hot coffee spilled in the lap
- Blowing garbage
- The Alphabet Game
- Cops
Back to the CB thing, why didn't Boss Hogg just make CB radios illegal? They were not hands-free. He would've nabbed those Duke Boys for certain! "Research has shown that drivers operating a CB radio in the car tend to be the cause or victim of one or more car crashes per day." He'd have been totally justified.
The police would still be able to use them, for law enforcement purposes. They could text too.
Boss Hogg: roscoe did u catch the dukes?
Roscoe: no
Boss Hogg: y?
Roscoe: stuck in swamp, brb
Boss Hogg: dip-stick!
Roscoe: >:(
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