Tiger Woods DIVORCED

Well the big news this past week was that Tiger Woods is now divorced. That's right ladies he's SINGLE. Watch for him on e-harmony.

So basically he went through all that counseling and sex addiction therapy for nothing. He can just start doing bad stuff again if he feels like it.

It's Tiger Woods Mark II, the loveable swinging bachelor. (Ha ha "swinging," get it? He plays golf.) With some careful repackaging, I think his popularity could once again skyrocket.

Some ideas:

- BLUE polo shirt instead of red

- Hang out with some well-respected luminaries, like Hank Aaron and Gary Shandling

- Tiger Woods: ANIMAL LOVER! He has only ever done bad stuff to people, never animals. So run with that. It would be like the opposite of what happened to Michael Vick. (and his name is TIGER! It's the perfect angle.)

- Lots of good-natured practical joking on the golf course, such as Bill Murray does

ATTENTION ALL GREAT MOVIE PRODUCERS: I am writing a movie script about the life of Tiger Woods. Parts of it will be X-rated, but that's okay. Problem is who can play Tiger Woods? Nobody looks like him. He may have to be computer-generated. His porn star mistresses can play themselves, unless they ask for lots of money. If they do that just hire some different bad ladies instead. James Earl Jones can play the ghost of his dead father.

Here is part of the script:

Dad: Shame on you, son. I was watching from heaven the whole time.

Tiger: WHAT?

Dad: That's right, I saw EVERYTHING.

Tiger: Give me guidance, father.

Dad: No. In fact I'm gonna appear and yell "BOO!" right in your ear next time you're attempting a tournament-winning putt.

Tiger: I guess I deserve that. Because of my sins.

Dad: For now I must go.

Tiger: WAIT. What is heaven like?

Dad: Not telling. Good-bye, son.

Tiger: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Then James Earl Jones DISAPPEARS, and Tiger Woods uses a golf club to smash all his material possessions in rage and shame. That's the turning point, though, and by the end of the movie he is good.

I will tell you more about the script when it is finished.