Here is everything I thought about lately

Some football stadiums have fake grass. a good invention would be artificial sand. It would look and smell like regular sand, but it would not get all clumpy on wet feet. You could keep it around your swimming pools and bathtubs. The sand would also be safe for children to eat, but it would not taste good. Kind of like Play-Doh.

The board game "Clue" really took liberties with the concept of weapons. Has anyone ever robbed a bank with a candlestick? Don't even TRY to get on an airplane with a ROPE.

If you are drinking coffee in a restaurant, a waitress will frequently come over to "top you off." It's like being on a sightseeing tour where they keep taking you back to the beginning, but you still have the option of finishing it whenever you want. Usually seeing or drinking the beginning of something about four times is enough.

Whenever I hear someone described as being a "philanthropist," I always spend the first two syllables thinking the person is gonna say "philanderer." Then the next two syllables are such a let-down. That must be why philanthropists are regarded as being so boring.

The army says you can't ask people if they are gay. I want there to be other forbidden questions. "No asking somebody if they have a favorite bird." "Don't ever ask a guy if he ever had a paper route."

You only cook certain foods over a campfire using a stick. It's always low-grade stuff, hot dogs and marshmallows. That way you don't care if it gets dirty or falls in. It was essentially garbage to begin with. If you get really good at it, I think you should try some other things. "Look at this nice toasty French bread pizza that I am COOKING over a FIRE." I also wonder if there's some elite camper that makes a cool shish kabob out of hot dogs and marshmallows.

a lot of people quit jobs by making an announcement. If you make a lot of money, like the President or a football coach, you hold a press conference and quit your job in front of the whole world. If you make hardly any money at all, you create a little scene just for the benefit of anybody that happens to be in the room. Some kid at Burger King "I'M SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT!" Then he throws down his visor and storms out. People with middle-of-the-road jobs don't tend to quit a lot. a dentist never puts his drill down all like "FUCK this." a UPS driver never gets on a microphone saying "I will no longer deliver packages."

Denny's used to give you a free breakfast on your birthday. Some silly place like White Castle or Quiznos should give you a free meal if you decided to quit your job that day. After eating you can fill out an application.

Vincent Van Gogh was a great painter, but then he cut his ear off because he felt tormented by a woman. I want a house painter to do that. "I am passionate, too."

You can't pull off a surprise party unless you can get somebody to walk into a certain room at the right time. I want to be really good at surprise parties. That's why I hold so many practice runs.

"Hey go in there for a minute."

"Why?"

"Please just do it."

"Okay."