Well what do you know? According to an e-mail I received, it has been a full EIGHT YEARS since I became a subscriber to DirecTV. They said they wanted to thank me for being a valued customer and notified me that my loyalty would now be rewarded in the form of a FREE GIFT.
(Yes, a FREE GIFT. As opposed to all those GIFTS you receive and then have to PAY for.)
I would like to say that, over the past eight years, I have been very happy with the DirecTV service. Yes it is expensive, but so is all television, whether it's satellite or not. It's just a thing now that you can't watch TV in 2010 unless you pay a LOT of money.
See television doesn't work like other bills that you pay for your house. If you left the bathtub faucet running for an entire month, your gas and water bills would be thousands and thousands of dollars! But if you keep it mostly off, you can pay a much smaller fee. TV ain't like that. You could forget to use it for a whole year and they would still charge you the same rate as if you left it on the whole time. It's kind of like car insurance. You pay just in CASE something happens, but instead of an accident or injury you are paying a lot of money in case you feel like watching Comedy Central.
I don't have a calculator handy but I would estimate that in paying eight years of DirecTV bills, I have probably spent the equivalent of what it would take to start a small business, purchase one of the motorcycles that older men like to look at on calendars, or get a passenger seat on one of those upcoming civilian trips to the moon. But this e-mail I got the other day, with its promise of a FREE GIFT, seemed to validate my continuing support of the undisputed leader in satellite television service. What would it be? a free equipment upgrade? a new, thumb-friendlier remote control? I scrolled through the message, my eyes like heat-seeking missiles in pursuit of the exact details of this exciting treasure DirecTV had selected to thank me with. and finally they locked on the information in question:
1 FREE DIRECTV CINEMA MOVIE
NO STRINGS ATTACHED! (What would you attach them to?)
They recommend either Iron Man 2 or Sex and the City 2.
I have been invited to log into my account for more details on the free $5 movie. They also say that my OFFICIAL notification about the free $5 movie will be arriving in the MAIL shortly. I hope it's a registered letter, all with forms to fill out and such.
But assuming it's a postcard I am just gonna write "CRAPPY GIFT - NO THANKS" on it and mail it back. Like those sassy waitresses that bust out the "Sir, I think you forgot your change!" routine on bad tippers in restaurants.
Kiss my grits, DirecTV.
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