Lots of people are afraid to fly on airplanes. Is anybody afraid of the airplane itself? Scared to look at it? Once you got on everything would be okay, you can't SEE the plane from the inside.
If you are a manager at a meat-packing place and need to interview a potential employee, do the interview right in the freezer. If they can't make it through THAT, forget 'em.
Who makes up combinations? There must be some kind of safe or locker at the White House with petty cash in it. Who decides what the combination is? "11-12-64 seems pretty good to me." "No you idiot that is too OBVIOUS." I think a robot should do it. Robots know best in cases like that.
They say elephants never forget, but elephants also don't seem to have too many enemies. They never get stood up for the prom and such. What exactly are they REMEMBERING? "That antelope was a dick to me once."
Some restaurants offer huge steaks and burgers and other foods that nobody could possibly eat. Other businesses should do that. "Just TRY to collect on this ridiculous life insurance policy!" "There is no way you will EVER finish reading this gigantic magazine."
Terrorism is a problem. It has made people afraid to receive powder in envelopes. Is there any kind of powder that is ABSOLUTELY necessary?
(Idea: Ban powder)
Lava lamps were popular for a short time. Problem was they didn't provide any kind of service, so people stopped buying them. Lava lamp coffee maker would be pretty cool, eh? Or else a lava lamp that is also an aquarium. There would be heating and cooling issues, but I think people would like to stare at multiple things at once.
Elves do not exist, yet people are so torn over what they theoretically would be like. Some people think elves should be little imps that make Christmas toys for children, while others think they should be hot girls in Lord of the Rings movies. All tall and "emo." and then there is this fringe group that thinks elves live in trees and bake cookies. a winning idea would be a book or movie about hot girls that like to make toys and cookies. Everybody wins.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
The Royal Wedding!
Finally!
After many months of disinterest, it has been announced. Prince William is getting MARRIED. To a LADY.
The wedding is expected to take place sometime this summer, maybe fall. Once you decide to get married you have to wait awhile because all the halls are already rented. Also you have to plan a menu. That will be challenging for them because British food is not too good. They will probably have to send out.
The woman he is marrying gets to be QUEEN of ENGLAND eventually. Which brings up a good point, can't the regular queen DIE already? I'm so sick of her. She is old and boring. It's time to change things up, a hot queen would be so awesome. We still have to wait through Charles and all of that, but he is getting pretty old himself! Kind of a gyp for him, he's been waiting a LONG TIME to get on that throne. He must be bitter.
The wedding is probably going to be on television. All ladies everywhere will watch it. Men are advised to select an alternate activity for that day, such as sitting in a chair in the garage or fishing. It's gonna be horrible, like a 14-hour Sex and the City movie that's on TV for free. Women act strangely about weddings. They scream and cry, but are also happy. They buy wedding magazines, even if there are no known weddings scheduled to happen.
The wedding day has already been announced to be a national holiday in England. Don't even THINK of trying to go to the library, a celebrity is getting married! It is British custom to have ridiculous priorities.
Wedding invitations have not been sent out yet, but it is assumed that hundreds of important people will be invited, including Barack Obama and the Pope. Not too many kids from freshman dorm will make the guest list. Just celebrities and old people. Old BRITISH people, men that drink tea and women that use eyeglasses on a stick. None of these people will participate in the Electric Slide. Well I guess Obama might. He is always trying to prove that he is a fun guy that's in good shape. What bands are they getting? If Eric Clapton is there singing "Wonderful Tonight" it might top Harry Potter as the worst British thing that ever happened.
and of course there's the BIG wedding question. Who will GET DRUNK? Sean Connery and the President of Ireland will become confused and start looking around for a place to throw darts. Prince Harry will shake himself after taking in an eyeful of some relative's meaty collarbone area for a bit too long. Desmond Tutu will ease into the next morning thinking "I rather like that Y-M-C-A..."
After many months of disinterest, it has been announced. Prince William is getting MARRIED. To a LADY.
The wedding is expected to take place sometime this summer, maybe fall. Once you decide to get married you have to wait awhile because all the halls are already rented. Also you have to plan a menu. That will be challenging for them because British food is not too good. They will probably have to send out.
The woman he is marrying gets to be QUEEN of ENGLAND eventually. Which brings up a good point, can't the regular queen DIE already? I'm so sick of her. She is old and boring. It's time to change things up, a hot queen would be so awesome. We still have to wait through Charles and all of that, but he is getting pretty old himself! Kind of a gyp for him, he's been waiting a LONG TIME to get on that throne. He must be bitter.
The wedding is probably going to be on television. All ladies everywhere will watch it. Men are advised to select an alternate activity for that day, such as sitting in a chair in the garage or fishing. It's gonna be horrible, like a 14-hour Sex and the City movie that's on TV for free. Women act strangely about weddings. They scream and cry, but are also happy. They buy wedding magazines, even if there are no known weddings scheduled to happen.
The wedding day has already been announced to be a national holiday in England. Don't even THINK of trying to go to the library, a celebrity is getting married! It is British custom to have ridiculous priorities.
Wedding invitations have not been sent out yet, but it is assumed that hundreds of important people will be invited, including Barack Obama and the Pope. Not too many kids from freshman dorm will make the guest list. Just celebrities and old people. Old BRITISH people, men that drink tea and women that use eyeglasses on a stick. None of these people will participate in the Electric Slide. Well I guess Obama might. He is always trying to prove that he is a fun guy that's in good shape. What bands are they getting? If Eric Clapton is there singing "Wonderful Tonight" it might top Harry Potter as the worst British thing that ever happened.
and of course there's the BIG wedding question. Who will GET DRUNK? Sean Connery and the President of Ireland will become confused and start looking around for a place to throw darts. Prince Harry will shake himself after taking in an eyeful of some relative's meaty collarbone area for a bit too long. Desmond Tutu will ease into the next morning thinking "I rather like that Y-M-C-A..."
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Jared completed the marathon
So the big news this past weekend was Jared from Subway competing in the New York City marathon. He actually finished the race, proving once again that submarine sandwiches are the healthiest thing you can eat.
At one time a 450-pound dying slob, Jared is now the picture of health. But a 26-mile run can be a VERY stiff test even for a healthy person. (Just ask TOM SELLECK.)
Yet Jared, adhering to his regimen of egg and jalapeno breakfast sandwiches and cheeseless turkey clubs, threw caution to the wind and boldly entered the race. What if it went poorly? What if Jared got a bad stomach cramp about a mile into the race and had to duck out through the crowd? Imagine all the booing and catcalls he would have been met with. "Oh, I see! Subway - QUIT fresh!" What if Jared collapsed, exhausted, at the 13-mile mark and started vomiting up black olives and banana peppers as obnoxiously fit, red-scalped octogenarians trotted right past him?
But NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. He stuck it out and made it to the finish line. It would have been pretty neat if they had two people holding one of those 18-foot-long party subs for him to break through when he got to the end, but that did not happen. (I guess because Subway does not sell those.)
What is next for our friend Jared? He's in great shape, maybe he will get into MMA. Or maybe it's time for a movie role. Anyone else thinking romantic comedy? Drew Barrymore is running out of people to do those with.
They are always adding new balloons to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would kind of like to see a Jared balloon, but the problem there is that skinny people do not make good balloons. a balloon of the old, fat Jared with an army of skinny Jared look-a-likes pulling it would be much better. They could explain that they are pulling the Jared balloon TO Subway to get thin. Then the real Jared emerges and sings a song (lip-synched).
How do you get the job where you get to decide what happens in parades? If anyone knows, e-mail me.
At one time a 450-pound dying slob, Jared is now the picture of health. But a 26-mile run can be a VERY stiff test even for a healthy person. (Just ask TOM SELLECK.)
Yet Jared, adhering to his regimen of egg and jalapeno breakfast sandwiches and cheeseless turkey clubs, threw caution to the wind and boldly entered the race. What if it went poorly? What if Jared got a bad stomach cramp about a mile into the race and had to duck out through the crowd? Imagine all the booing and catcalls he would have been met with. "Oh, I see! Subway - QUIT fresh!" What if Jared collapsed, exhausted, at the 13-mile mark and started vomiting up black olives and banana peppers as obnoxiously fit, red-scalped octogenarians trotted right past him?
But NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. He stuck it out and made it to the finish line. It would have been pretty neat if they had two people holding one of those 18-foot-long party subs for him to break through when he got to the end, but that did not happen. (I guess because Subway does not sell those.)
What is next for our friend Jared? He's in great shape, maybe he will get into MMA. Or maybe it's time for a movie role. Anyone else thinking romantic comedy? Drew Barrymore is running out of people to do those with.
They are always adding new balloons to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would kind of like to see a Jared balloon, but the problem there is that skinny people do not make good balloons. a balloon of the old, fat Jared with an army of skinny Jared look-a-likes pulling it would be much better. They could explain that they are pulling the Jared balloon TO Subway to get thin. Then the real Jared emerges and sings a song (lip-synched).
How do you get the job where you get to decide what happens in parades? If anyone knows, e-mail me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Proposition 19 shot down!
Yes it's true. Californians have spoken, and contrary to popular belief, it turns out that "everybody" does not smoke pot. Hippies and janitors everywhere are crying. All the bowls that were pre-packed for the victory parties got smoked anyway, but not in celebratory fashion.
But anyway now I am keen on this idea of voting for "stuff," as opposed to men (and ladies) in suits that shout and want to have each other jailed. Those elections are BORING. Voting on things we might be allowed to do is much more interesting.
Some ideas for next time:
1) Being loud at the library
What's the big deal? I know that people like to read in quiet, but guess what? The library lets you TAKE THE BOOKS HOME. For FREE. If you spend more than 20 minutes in a library you are an idiot. Unless you work there or are a lady in a long skirt playing songs for children. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to yell "YO, WHASSUP DUDE!" if you see a friend on the complete other side of a huge library room. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to sneak up on a friend and close a book really loudly behind his head.
2) Keeping score in little league
When did THIS bullshit start? If you haven't heard, when little kids play baseball (and soccer and other sports) now, they don't keep score! Every game is ruled a tie, even if one team got obviously crushed. That is NOT FAIR. If some kids are better than others, just make trades, sucky kids for athletic kids. That way all the teams would even out. The sucky kids would not realize what was going on, because they suck. and even if they do figure it out you can just shut them up with extra post-game pizza. I am gonna go to a little league game myself and keep score and keep shouting out the score real loud the whole time. That will help rally people behind my ideas.
3) Scratch-off tickets
Get these out of stores. If you want to gamble you should have to go to a casino or OTB or church (bingo). a person that needs to run into a store to quickly purchase milk and ham should not have to wait behind you while you're all "Give me...give me...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." It ain't McDonalds, fool, GET OUT OF LINE. You are impeding the economy. What the hell is that silver stuff made from? The part of scratch-offs that you actually "scratch off?" I bet it's toxic. a little kid should eat a big pile of it so that it gets banned.
Now I am excited about the next election. How do you get ideas on the ballot? The first step must be to get people talking. Anybody that works in a place with a copy machine please print this out and make a bunch of copies and pass them around. Most offices have paper that you can use for free.
But anyway now I am keen on this idea of voting for "stuff," as opposed to men (and ladies) in suits that shout and want to have each other jailed. Those elections are BORING. Voting on things we might be allowed to do is much more interesting.
Some ideas for next time:
1) Being loud at the library
What's the big deal? I know that people like to read in quiet, but guess what? The library lets you TAKE THE BOOKS HOME. For FREE. If you spend more than 20 minutes in a library you are an idiot. Unless you work there or are a lady in a long skirt playing songs for children. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to yell "YO, WHASSUP DUDE!" if you see a friend on the complete other side of a huge library room. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to sneak up on a friend and close a book really loudly behind his head.
2) Keeping score in little league
When did THIS bullshit start? If you haven't heard, when little kids play baseball (and soccer and other sports) now, they don't keep score! Every game is ruled a tie, even if one team got obviously crushed. That is NOT FAIR. If some kids are better than others, just make trades, sucky kids for athletic kids. That way all the teams would even out. The sucky kids would not realize what was going on, because they suck. and even if they do figure it out you can just shut them up with extra post-game pizza. I am gonna go to a little league game myself and keep score and keep shouting out the score real loud the whole time. That will help rally people behind my ideas.
3) Scratch-off tickets
Get these out of stores. If you want to gamble you should have to go to a casino or OTB or church (bingo). a person that needs to run into a store to quickly purchase milk and ham should not have to wait behind you while you're all "Give me...give me...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." It ain't McDonalds, fool, GET OUT OF LINE. You are impeding the economy. What the hell is that silver stuff made from? The part of scratch-offs that you actually "scratch off?" I bet it's toxic. a little kid should eat a big pile of it so that it gets banned.
Now I am excited about the next election. How do you get ideas on the ballot? The first step must be to get people talking. Anybody that works in a place with a copy machine please print this out and make a bunch of copies and pass them around. Most offices have paper that you can use for free.
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