Jared completed the marathon

So the big news this past weekend was Jared from Subway competing in the New York City marathon. He actually finished the race, proving once again that submarine sandwiches are the healthiest thing you can eat.

At one time a 450-pound dying slob, Jared is now the picture of health. But a 26-mile run can be a VERY stiff test even for a healthy person. (Just ask TOM SELLECK.)

Yet Jared, adhering to his regimen of egg and jalapeno breakfast sandwiches and cheeseless turkey clubs, threw caution to the wind and boldly entered the race. What if it went poorly? What if Jared got a bad stomach cramp about a mile into the race and had to duck out through the crowd? Imagine all the booing and catcalls he would have been met with. "Oh, I see! Subway - QUIT fresh!" What if Jared collapsed, exhausted, at the 13-mile mark and started vomiting up black olives and banana peppers as obnoxiously fit, red-scalped octogenarians trotted right past him?

But NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. He stuck it out and made it to the finish line. It would have been pretty neat if they had two people holding one of those 18-foot-long party subs for him to break through when he got to the end, but that did not happen. (I guess because Subway does not sell those.)

What is next for our friend Jared? He's in great shape, maybe he will get into MMA. Or maybe it's time for a movie role. Anyone else thinking romantic comedy? Drew Barrymore is running out of people to do those with.

They are always adding new balloons to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I would kind of like to see a Jared balloon, but the problem there is that skinny people do not make good balloons. a balloon of the old, fat Jared with an army of skinny Jared look-a-likes pulling it would be much better. They could explain that they are pulling the Jared balloon TO Subway to get thin. Then the real Jared emerges and sings a song (lip-synched).

How do you get the job where you get to decide what happens in parades? If anyone knows, e-mail me.