Holiday classics

Ebenezer Scrooge was a rich old man that was also a jerk. It is for those reasons that I would estimate that he probably liked golf. At the end of "A Christmas Carol," Scrooge becomes nice because some ghosts threatened him. But even nice people such as kindly grandpas still tend to cheat at golf, they think it's part of the fun. I am working on a new Scrooge story, sort of a "summer sequel," where some ghosts confront him at the golf course and tell him not to cheat or else a little girl might die. (Still working on getting the rights, I was forced to sign a thing promising to publish all my future Scrooge stories "legally" after what happened with that last one.)

Rudolph was a sap. "We hate you! Oh wait, it's foggy! You're cool, Rudolph! Let's get you reined to the sleigh!" Makes you wonder what that girl reindeer was after. "That was a fun date, Rudolph! I really like you. By the way, got any money? No? This is one of my other reindeer friends, Jerome Sweetlaces. He'd like to have a word with you."

So let me get this straight...the Grinch steals everything, but the Whos are still happy, so he gives it all back and then gets an invitation to dinner? He didn't even say he was sorry! and the dinner, did he even bring a side dish or some wine or anything? Does the Grinch know how to cook? He seemed pretty domesticated, he had a sewing machine and everything. Imagine the Grinch with potholders on taking a big rack of lamb out of the oven. and what did all the Whos get for Christmas the NEXT year? You guessed it, homemade clothes! (Ugh.)

Frosty the Snowman smokes a pipe. Where does he get matches? The only people he knows are kids. "Here's more matches, Frosty. I couldn't get that other stuff you wanted, though. The liquor cabinet was locked and I checked the bathroom but didn't really see any pills. Are you sure that's what snowmen eat? Also I asked around at school, nobody knows where to get hookers. I told you they wouldn't."

(Pssst...you get them from Jerome Sweetlaces.)

Everyone loves watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but why didn't they show how the play turned out?! Ever been to a children's Christmas pageant? When the kids take their bows, all the adults stand up and clap and cheer. It gets pretty loud. That would have been neat, to hear all the Charlie Brown parents and teachers that sound like trombones making a big out-of-tune orchestra commotion.

Followed by a long period of trombone murmuring as everyone puts on their coats.

Bring back Crazy Foam (it's time)

Okay if you don't remember Crazy Foam it was basically shaving cream that kids were intended to play with. a can of shaving cream with Superman or Batman on it or whoever.


You would press the button on the can and the foam would come out of the character's mouth. Kind of like Silly String, except it would come out in a big glob. It made it look like Batman ate WAY too many marshmallows. ("Bleghhhhh...")

It sounds foolish but you have to understand that wasting money was a popular fad in the 1970s. (See: the Pet Rock, gold chains, KISS)

Crazy Foam was supposed to be a thing that you could take in the bathtub and such, help you get clean in a fun way, but of course a bunch of stupid kids decided to EAT the foam so nobody was allowed to have it anymore.

Since those times, the earth has gotten to be a much worse and lazy place in a lot of ways. People will heat an entree in a microwave or send out wedding invitations on Facebook so they don't have to lick a bunch of envelopes. and of course parenting has gotten super-psycho. When I was five years old I would walk to school with my brother, jumping over puddles and running across the street in between cars. Nowadays you see this whole production where if a kid is getting picked up by the school bus the whole world has to stop. a step-parent is waiting outside with him at the exact house where he lives (WEHT all kids waiting together at the corner?) and then some person in a neon vest gets OFF the bus to "help" the kid get ON the bus. Once on the bus the child can use his phone to text the step-parent and confirm that he has safely made it to his seat. The child is usually fat because he is not allowed to walk anywhere or ride a bike without putting on a plastic suit of armor.

I don't think kids eating Crazy Foam would be too much of a problem in 2011. Parents don't let their kids do anything anymore besides homework and soccer, and they always hang around during activities like that. Very few reported cases of "THE BABY SWALLOWED A WEEBLE!" lately. and besides there are all sorts of things a kid COULD accidentally ingest. Cell phones are getting really small!

So I expect to see all-new Crazy Foam with Spongebob and Obama and Tigger and all the other cartoon characters on it sometime in the near future. They should market other "bathtime fun" products too, like a water balloon filled with shampoo. It has Elmo's face on it and when you squeeze and explode it the shampoo flies all over the place.

By the way look at where they assumed Spiderman's "mouth" to be.

Suspicious Cliff Claven photo

So Christmas is coming up and I ain't asking for much from Santa (what do you get for the guy that has EVERYTHING?) but I decided that maybe I would like some gourmet ketchup and something really good and obvious and simple like the first season of "Cheers" on DVD.

So I went to Amazon and this is what I saw...



Now if I'm known for one thing other than road rage it is my extensive knowledge of 1980s television (just TRY to stump me at Magnum P.I. trivia) so there was a hugely disturbing problem right off the bat. As EVERYONE should know, while John Ratzenberger DID APPEAR as "Cliff Claven" in the first season of Cheers, he was NOT YET a credited cast member. He was just one of those supplemental characters like Dudley on "Diff'rent Strokes" or the retarded girl on "Facts of Life."

See when they make a new TV show they release these nice-looking publicity photos that are intended to make the show popular. Everybody from the show all getting along.

Part of taking a good photograph is getting the people right in the middle. So in the case of Cheers they had this nice picture of Sam and Diane centralized, with Coach on the left, Norm on the right, and Carla behind. The more I stare at it I continue to pick up on all sorts of editing flaws, but there is one that really sticks out. LOOK AT HOW THEY MOVED THE ENTIRE SHOT OVER TO THE RIGHT JUST TO SQUEEZE IN STUPID CLIFF CLAVEN.

There's no way he was in that picture originally. Why take the time and effort to get him in there? Like he's so important, like they really thought he'd help "sell" the DVD. What, people wouldn't want Cheers anyway? It's CHEERS! I guess the color blue is kind of nice, maybe that's why.

I hereby DEMAND that John Ratzenberger be removed from the covers of all future prints of Cheers Season 1 DVDs. Especially when it comes out in 3D. You aren't fooling anybody. The top of Carla's head was so obviously meant to be right in the middle, it would fit so perfectly underneath the wavy "Cheers" logo.

The incredible TRUE story of the BIG STORM

So I got kicked out of work early on Wednesday because it was snowing a LOT and that made it difficult to get home. That's what workplaces do. "Man, it looks like it's IMPOSSIBLE to drive out there! Go home!" Cars were lined up in a standstill heading in the opposite direction, some of them stuck/stranded entirely. It was just then getting dark, and the snowfall was very nasty.

It was at this point that my car decided to be a dick. All like "Umm, can I have some engine coolant please? I don't feel good." I did not have any of that around. I keep my engine coolant at the house. "GOOD PLACE FOR IT!" as someone's stupid car-knowing dad might say.

We get to a major intersection. Light is green, but traffic is not moving. The car begins to vibrate, and I start yelling at it like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

Car: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: BITCH, be cool!

Car: GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Me: BITCH, be COOL!

The car also does not have any heat, so while waiting in traffic snow was kind of piling up on the windows and I could not see anything that was not straight ahead. That's okay because straight ahead was where I was going.

After stopping to pick up beer and the dog, in that order, we actually did somehow make it home. Dog was confused. "Where is the yard? I need that."

There is this strategy people use where they wait for the snow to stop falling before they start to shovel. That way you only have to do it once. So I begin to drink beer and wait.

5:00...
6:00...
7:00...
8:00...

It's still snowing, and now there is a LOT of it. I decide to get to work. Initially I have really good enthusiasm, feeling like John Henry and his hammer. "This is kind of FUN!"

9:00...
10:00...
11:00...
12:00...

It's still snowing. I am tired and wet. I begin to think up ridiculous plans.

"I can sleep from 1am until 3am, then shovel everything again, then sleep from 5am to 5:45am, then shovel the end of the driveway at least, get ready for work, shovel, go to work, come home, shovel everything again, and sometime around midnight tomorrow I'll be done!"

Morning comes, and I go to look out the kitchen window.

"It won't be that bad, I made a lot of progress last night."

Imagine looking out the window in the morning and the Grinch is standing there giving you the finger.

At least a foot of snow is everywhere, plus drifts. The cars are totally buried, and the street has not been plowed. Morale is low. Also it is STILL SNOWING. I dig in, still kidding myself about making it to work that day. All I need is for that plow to come, right? Should be any minute.

7:00...
8:00...
9:00...
10:00...
11:00...

No plow. and everything that I shoveled has to be shoveled AGAIN because it is still snowing with rapid accumulation. One car is parked on the street, totally buried. I have no dry footwear left, so I am just wearing old wet leaky boots with no socks. It may sound miserable, but morale is HIGH. First of all I didn't have to go to work. Any kind of chore is more pleasurable than being at a place where you HAVE to be. That's why kids always liked clapping erasers in school. All the other kids are sitting in boring old class, but you are OUTSIDE and CLAPPING ERASERS. I remember one time they made us mop the gym. "This is awesome, we're MISSING CLASS!" All schools should fire the janitors and just let the kids clean up everything. Who would complain? "They love it!"

So I keep on shoveling, taking frequent beer breaks. No plow. There is a snow drift on the porch covering almost the entire front window. Finally a plow comes down the OTHER side of the street, and gets stuck. Other plows arrive on the scene. "Having some trouble there, buddy?" That has to be really emasculating. You have a PLOW and are stuck in the snow and need help. "Hello I can neither drive, plow, nor please a woman. I am now banned from all barber shops and Hooters locations."

I am drunk, wet, sore, and watching two plows effectively dance with each other across the street. They are moving around, but not really moving anywhere. Soon it gets dark again, and it's still snowing. The plow eventually escaped. I hope that guy got sent home for the day. They finished plowing the OTHER side of the street, but not ours. and they KEPT plowing the OTHER side of the street periodically. Like some cruel psychological experiment. They should have passed out coffee and hot sandwiches to the people across the street as well. "Compliments of the city!" I tried to give one of the plow drivers a real mean look, but he wouldn't make eye contact.

APPARENTLY they would not plow our side of the street because there were too many cars parked on it, buried in snow, including one of mine. (I have TWO cars because I am WEALTHY. One of them even has heat.) So I guess the city's plan was to have the residents brush the snow off the cars, dismantle them, let the plow through, and then reassemble them. No way was I going along with THAT.

The next morning comes, and it has STOPPED SNOWING. Again I am kidding myself about making it to work. Street is still not plowed, but it should be ANY MINUTE. RIGHT? According to the TV news, 85% of neighborhood streets had been plowed. Only a measly 15% left! That's us! I get back to shoveling, but am running out of places to put the snow. Eight-foot mountain at the corner of the front yard, nine-foot mountain at the corner of the back yard, about a three-foot gap in the driveway where both cars are supposed to fit. Hmmm.

At about 10:45am I see a VEHICLE at the end of the street. and it's on OUR SIDE. But it's not a PLOW, per-se, it is a bulldozer. The kind that can lift heavy things like gravel or pieces of a burnt-up house. Impressive. BUT, you see, while a plow can get down the whole street in like 30 seconds, a bulldozer has to bulldoze, stop, scoop, lift, and find a place to put what it lifted. All backing up and turning around and such. In other words it was clearly gonna take FOREVER. I guess the city was pissed at us for not dismantling the cars.

The bulldozer makes it about halfway down the street, and gets stuck.

Really.

For 45 minutes this bulldozer is spinning its wheels, trying to free itself. I am wondering what kind of vehicle will show up next. Maybe a tank or a dump truck full of dwarfs carrying picks and shovels. Instead it was just another bulldozer. I kind of expected the second bulldozer guy to get out and hit the first bulldozer guy with his hat, like Skipper and Gilligan, but that didn't happen. Instead they both got out and had a conversation (no reason to hurry, they were both on the clock probably), and then the second bulldozer did some kind of bulldozer Heimlich maneuver to the first bulldozer (it was a little gay) and he was "rescued."

The second bulldozer guy left (I hope he yelled "Don't do that again!") and the first bulldozer guy got back to work, probably embarrassed now. People watching him, all skeptical. "Do you really know what you're doing?" "Sorry, it's my first day!"

Eventually he did manage to CLEAR the STREET. So now, after two days of shoveling, all I would have to do is...shovel more! Then we could have cars again. But I was out of beer, so I needed to go to the store on foot.

Me: I'm going to the store, do you need anything?

Wife: Well we could use some milk.

Me: No, not that, do you NEED anything?

Wife: Maybe something for lunch...

Me: No, I mean do you NEED anything?

Wife: No.

The happy ending? We MOVED the CARS. There is no exciting conclusion, because this story was true, and true stories are never that great. That's why so many people are liars.