The incredible TRUE story of the BIG STORM

So I got kicked out of work early on Wednesday because it was snowing a LOT and that made it difficult to get home. That's what workplaces do. "Man, it looks like it's IMPOSSIBLE to drive out there! Go home!" Cars were lined up in a standstill heading in the opposite direction, some of them stuck/stranded entirely. It was just then getting dark, and the snowfall was very nasty.

It was at this point that my car decided to be a dick. All like "Umm, can I have some engine coolant please? I don't feel good." I did not have any of that around. I keep my engine coolant at the house. "GOOD PLACE FOR IT!" as someone's stupid car-knowing dad might say.

We get to a major intersection. Light is green, but traffic is not moving. The car begins to vibrate, and I start yelling at it like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

Car: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: BITCH, be cool!

Car: GRRRRRRRRRRRR

Me: BITCH, be COOL!

The car also does not have any heat, so while waiting in traffic snow was kind of piling up on the windows and I could not see anything that was not straight ahead. That's okay because straight ahead was where I was going.

After stopping to pick up beer and the dog, in that order, we actually did somehow make it home. Dog was confused. "Where is the yard? I need that."

There is this strategy people use where they wait for the snow to stop falling before they start to shovel. That way you only have to do it once. So I begin to drink beer and wait.

5:00...
6:00...
7:00...
8:00...

It's still snowing, and now there is a LOT of it. I decide to get to work. Initially I have really good enthusiasm, feeling like John Henry and his hammer. "This is kind of FUN!"

9:00...
10:00...
11:00...
12:00...

It's still snowing. I am tired and wet. I begin to think up ridiculous plans.

"I can sleep from 1am until 3am, then shovel everything again, then sleep from 5am to 5:45am, then shovel the end of the driveway at least, get ready for work, shovel, go to work, come home, shovel everything again, and sometime around midnight tomorrow I'll be done!"

Morning comes, and I go to look out the kitchen window.

"It won't be that bad, I made a lot of progress last night."

Imagine looking out the window in the morning and the Grinch is standing there giving you the finger.

At least a foot of snow is everywhere, plus drifts. The cars are totally buried, and the street has not been plowed. Morale is low. Also it is STILL SNOWING. I dig in, still kidding myself about making it to work that day. All I need is for that plow to come, right? Should be any minute.

7:00...
8:00...
9:00...
10:00...
11:00...

No plow. and everything that I shoveled has to be shoveled AGAIN because it is still snowing with rapid accumulation. One car is parked on the street, totally buried. I have no dry footwear left, so I am just wearing old wet leaky boots with no socks. It may sound miserable, but morale is HIGH. First of all I didn't have to go to work. Any kind of chore is more pleasurable than being at a place where you HAVE to be. That's why kids always liked clapping erasers in school. All the other kids are sitting in boring old class, but you are OUTSIDE and CLAPPING ERASERS. I remember one time they made us mop the gym. "This is awesome, we're MISSING CLASS!" All schools should fire the janitors and just let the kids clean up everything. Who would complain? "They love it!"

So I keep on shoveling, taking frequent beer breaks. No plow. There is a snow drift on the porch covering almost the entire front window. Finally a plow comes down the OTHER side of the street, and gets stuck. Other plows arrive on the scene. "Having some trouble there, buddy?" That has to be really emasculating. You have a PLOW and are stuck in the snow and need help. "Hello I can neither drive, plow, nor please a woman. I am now banned from all barber shops and Hooters locations."

I am drunk, wet, sore, and watching two plows effectively dance with each other across the street. They are moving around, but not really moving anywhere. Soon it gets dark again, and it's still snowing. The plow eventually escaped. I hope that guy got sent home for the day. They finished plowing the OTHER side of the street, but not ours. and they KEPT plowing the OTHER side of the street periodically. Like some cruel psychological experiment. They should have passed out coffee and hot sandwiches to the people across the street as well. "Compliments of the city!" I tried to give one of the plow drivers a real mean look, but he wouldn't make eye contact.

APPARENTLY they would not plow our side of the street because there were too many cars parked on it, buried in snow, including one of mine. (I have TWO cars because I am WEALTHY. One of them even has heat.) So I guess the city's plan was to have the residents brush the snow off the cars, dismantle them, let the plow through, and then reassemble them. No way was I going along with THAT.

The next morning comes, and it has STOPPED SNOWING. Again I am kidding myself about making it to work. Street is still not plowed, but it should be ANY MINUTE. RIGHT? According to the TV news, 85% of neighborhood streets had been plowed. Only a measly 15% left! That's us! I get back to shoveling, but am running out of places to put the snow. Eight-foot mountain at the corner of the front yard, nine-foot mountain at the corner of the back yard, about a three-foot gap in the driveway where both cars are supposed to fit. Hmmm.

At about 10:45am I see a VEHICLE at the end of the street. and it's on OUR SIDE. But it's not a PLOW, per-se, it is a bulldozer. The kind that can lift heavy things like gravel or pieces of a burnt-up house. Impressive. BUT, you see, while a plow can get down the whole street in like 30 seconds, a bulldozer has to bulldoze, stop, scoop, lift, and find a place to put what it lifted. All backing up and turning around and such. In other words it was clearly gonna take FOREVER. I guess the city was pissed at us for not dismantling the cars.

The bulldozer makes it about halfway down the street, and gets stuck.

Really.

For 45 minutes this bulldozer is spinning its wheels, trying to free itself. I am wondering what kind of vehicle will show up next. Maybe a tank or a dump truck full of dwarfs carrying picks and shovels. Instead it was just another bulldozer. I kind of expected the second bulldozer guy to get out and hit the first bulldozer guy with his hat, like Skipper and Gilligan, but that didn't happen. Instead they both got out and had a conversation (no reason to hurry, they were both on the clock probably), and then the second bulldozer did some kind of bulldozer Heimlich maneuver to the first bulldozer (it was a little gay) and he was "rescued."

The second bulldozer guy left (I hope he yelled "Don't do that again!") and the first bulldozer guy got back to work, probably embarrassed now. People watching him, all skeptical. "Do you really know what you're doing?" "Sorry, it's my first day!"

Eventually he did manage to CLEAR the STREET. So now, after two days of shoveling, all I would have to do is...shovel more! Then we could have cars again. But I was out of beer, so I needed to go to the store on foot.

Me: I'm going to the store, do you need anything?

Wife: Well we could use some milk.

Me: No, not that, do you NEED anything?

Wife: Maybe something for lunch...

Me: No, I mean do you NEED anything?

Wife: No.

The happy ending? We MOVED the CARS. There is no exciting conclusion, because this story was true, and true stories are never that great. That's why so many people are liars.