Holiday classics

Ebenezer Scrooge was a rich old man that was also a jerk. It is for those reasons that I would estimate that he probably liked golf. At the end of "A Christmas Carol," Scrooge becomes nice because some ghosts threatened him. But even nice people such as kindly grandpas still tend to cheat at golf, they think it's part of the fun. I am working on a new Scrooge story, sort of a "summer sequel," where some ghosts confront him at the golf course and tell him not to cheat or else a little girl might die. (Still working on getting the rights, I was forced to sign a thing promising to publish all my future Scrooge stories "legally" after what happened with that last one.)

Rudolph was a sap. "We hate you! Oh wait, it's foggy! You're cool, Rudolph! Let's get you reined to the sleigh!" Makes you wonder what that girl reindeer was after. "That was a fun date, Rudolph! I really like you. By the way, got any money? No? This is one of my other reindeer friends, Jerome Sweetlaces. He'd like to have a word with you."

So let me get this straight...the Grinch steals everything, but the Whos are still happy, so he gives it all back and then gets an invitation to dinner? He didn't even say he was sorry! and the dinner, did he even bring a side dish or some wine or anything? Does the Grinch know how to cook? He seemed pretty domesticated, he had a sewing machine and everything. Imagine the Grinch with potholders on taking a big rack of lamb out of the oven. and what did all the Whos get for Christmas the NEXT year? You guessed it, homemade clothes! (Ugh.)

Frosty the Snowman smokes a pipe. Where does he get matches? The only people he knows are kids. "Here's more matches, Frosty. I couldn't get that other stuff you wanted, though. The liquor cabinet was locked and I checked the bathroom but didn't really see any pills. Are you sure that's what snowmen eat? Also I asked around at school, nobody knows where to get hookers. I told you they wouldn't."

(Pssst...you get them from Jerome Sweetlaces.)

Everyone loves watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but why didn't they show how the play turned out?! Ever been to a children's Christmas pageant? When the kids take their bows, all the adults stand up and clap and cheer. It gets pretty loud. That would have been neat, to hear all the Charlie Brown parents and teachers that sound like trombones making a big out-of-tune orchestra commotion.

Followed by a long period of trombone murmuring as everyone puts on their coats.