Snakes do not make good pets

Why do some people have snakes as pets? That ain't a good idea, man. Unless maybe you are a big rock star like Alice Cooper. But you know what? You're NOT.

In fact a pet store should not even offer a snake as an option. It's like when a clothing store starts selling headbands and moccasins. Don't sell those, people might WEAR them!

Snakes only usually do two things:

1) Sleep
2) Escape

That's it! and you know what they eat? Mice, which are also pets. So you are gonna just have to keep going back to the pet store to buy more and more animals. It is a BIG SCAM. Where is the Better Business Bureau on this one? and if you are some kind of sadistic weirdo that likes the idea of watching a live mouse get eaten, prepare to be disappointed! Snakes are never hungry. So when a whole day goes by and the snake hasn't eaten the mouse, you are gonna have to feed the mouse. So now you have a snake that's doing nothing, and a terrified mouse. TWO bad pets. Why not complete the trifecta with an irregular parakeet?

Snakes do not like being pets. Therefore they are perpetually crabby, unlike puppies. You will not be able to tell whether your snake is crabby or not, but trust me, he is. He is lying there all like "fml." So your pet snake does nothing, won't eat, and hates you. Also you are mistreating it. No matter how meticulous you are, you are not going to be able to maintain the right temperature, feeding schedule, shed skin removal, HUMIDITY, water, and regular tank cleanings that a snake requires. The zoo has to pay a TEAM of EXPERTS to do that.

So anyone thinking about getting a snake should cut it out. Just go get a tattoo of a snake. Or buy some frogs and give them evil names. Lucifer the Frog. Beelzebub Hoppenstance.

The History Channel

Okay first of all I have no problem with the History Channel itself. It is educational and entertaining. If you like watching the History Channel, good for you. But here is an important thing to say:

WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOU SMART.

I have heard multiple people, including some straight-up DUMMIES, name-drop the History Channel as if everybody within earshot is gonna be all impressed. If you are someone that has been doing this, be warned. I see right through you.

Here is a thing. If the History Channel is so universally popular, why aren't there History Channel PARTIES? They do that Comic-Con thing for super nerdo dweebs, why isn't there a huge History Channel convention for all these people that are so into it? I mean I know there are Civil War re-enactments but that is only a PART of history. Fact.

Don't act like you watch the History Channel a lot if you DON'T. I am gonna carry around some flashcards to quiz people with. "Oh you watch a LOT of History Channel? Then tell me this. When was the steamboat invented? Tell me RIGHT NOW."

Are there History Channel T-SHIRTS? There are t-shirts for EVERYTHING. How come I never see anybody walking around in one?

I suspect that no one actually watches the History Channel. If you want to prove me wrong, video yourself watching the History Channel for an entire hour and put it on youtube. Then I will concede.

Otherwise, I know that you are all really watching porn.

Fun at the beach!

Dang but find me one person that doesn't love the beach. Maybe those weird people that are allergic to the sun, but otherwise no. Here is a blog that will make you want to go to the beach RIGHT NOW! Don't forget a towel!

There are RULES at the beach, but I never see them being enforced. Lifeguards are always looking/yelling, but I never see a guy in handcuffs because of "horseplay." Nobody getting arrested for throwing sand. Look around at the beach. No cops. The lifeguard doesn't even seem to have one of those walkie talkies that are used to call for "backup." So I'm not TELLING you to make trouble, but the fact of the matter is that when you're at the beach you can pretty much do whatever you want.

Everyone behaves at the beach, though. No crime. I guess because it's so open and sunny, it's like the opposite of a dark alley where a person is waiting to stab you for your drugs. Everybody leaves their towels and blankets and money and shoes lying right on the beach while they go in the water, and nobody takes it. and again, don't believe that it's because of that lifeguard. a tall chair does not combat crime. and look at him, he's not even watching you. He's texting.

Sand castles seem like they should have really taken off in modern times. Everyone has a phone to take pictures with. Yet I never see a really great freshly-built sand castle on anybody's Facebook. How come? Always just pictures of stupid little wiener kids, or else sunsets. Why not a picture of a sand castle, and then you photoshop yourself so that it looks like you are LIVING in it? Having a BBQ on the castle patio with neighbors. Then photoshop the lifeguard so that he's way off to the side, not socializing with anybody. Just texting.

More awesome stuff at the beach:

- Volleyball

- FIRES

- Bikinis

- Dogs running around with frisbees in their mouths

- Kayaks

- Potato chips

- Dolphins leaping out of the water (*rare)

- Skipping stones

- Little plastic pails and shovels

- Hawaii

Of course the most popular thing at the beach is the swimming, but most people really don't actually "swim." They just kind of linger around in the water. You can't really do "laps" at the beach, you never know when to turn around. I guess if you went too far in one direction the lifeguard would YELL at you to turn around, but you know how I feel about that guy and his lack of authority. I mean what if you just kept going? Would he CHASE you? If he left his post for even a minute everybody would knock his chair over and start kicking sand. Mayhem.

Another thing from the history of the beach was Baywatch.

Why doesn't Aquaman get a movie?

Ever since the big Batman Boom, superhero movies have been all the rage. Any superhero can be in a movie now. Even Iron Man. Lower tier guys like Green Lantern and Captain America are getting time on the big screen as well.

But where is Aquaman?

That guy was pretty significant. He was right in the fold with Batman and Wonder Woman and even Superman himself. But HE doesn't get a movie? What gives?

I think maybe it's because Aquaman doesn't operate under the "secret identity" system. He's always just Aquaman. Superman, by day, is mild-mannered Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent. Batman is billionaire Bruce Wayne. But Aquaman doesn't need a day job. He lives under water so nobody ever sees him around.

I am going to write a script that changes that. Aquaman, in day-to-day life, will be charismatic real estate agent Kent Cassidy. He will sell beachfront properties to upper class families. and obviously, if there's bad guys or alien sharks in the water, the value of those properties will go down. So he will have to take care of BUSINESS down there, won't he? The story writes itself!

Also, I feel audiences will have an easy time relating to Aquaman because he doesn't have a lot of powers. He's just sort of an everyday Joe that happens to be able to breathe under water and talk to fish. He can SWIM really well, but so can a lot of people. I don't think he can swim at the same rate that Superman can run or fly. He doesn't have super strength, per se, but he is pretty strong by regular dude standards. I have seen him move heavy rocks and giant-sized seashells before.

Superman cannot breathe under water, I'm PRETTY sure. So that's Aquaman's one defense if he and Superman ever have a big argument. He can get away from him.

Oh and Aquaman rides around on a giant sea horse, if you didn't know that. There will be a CGI one in the movie. His name is Horace. and there will be a lady in the movie too, of course. She will be in a bikini a lot, since most of the movie takes place at the beach. I think at some point he will have to kiss her under water to keep her alive or something. The sea horse won't be around for that part.

So that's my Aquaman movie idea. Any Hollywood movie executives reading this can e-mail me, but only if you're serious.

This is Aquaman looking for his keys: