HAIR

Whether you are a man or a nice lady, everyone has to decide how to style their hair. Men have it sort of easy. Just cut it real short and you will get nice compliments from grandmothers and strict army guys. The downside is that sometimes it gets TOO short though and starts to fall out. So then there's this trick where you shave it ALL off. Nobody wants to walk around looking like Captain Stubing from Love Boat.





So instead you just go totally bald and pretend like you did it on purpose. You will have to endure some very cruel Uncle Fester jokes and taunts but otherwise people will mostly leave you alone.

VERY alone.

Meanwhile ladies have all kinds of decisions to make. All kinds of lengths and colors and bang choices (!) and sprays and smells and highlights. Woo boy!

They get either real mad or real happy about each other's hair. "Look at that BITCH she should NOT be walking around like that. Does she think she's one of the JUDDS?" "Oh look at that nice simple short hair-do, that woman deserves a good man that will never look at other ladies and one that can afford to take her places on a PLANE."

Some men think they are allowed to make "choices" too. No.

Don't walk out of the house with a pony-tail. What are you DOING? Don't you want to be taken SERIOUSLY? There must be some thrill in looking like you COULD be sent to jail at some point that very day. Otherwise what is the point? "I just wanted to make sure no one would mistake me for a doctor."

Imagine getting pulled over by a cop and you have an AFRO. "I am not up to anything, officer. I just happen to have this huge afro. I don't hang out in bad places. Look, I have a Chris Isaak CD. That's proof."


More bad hair:

- Bowl cuts

- Pigtails

- Combovers

- Buns

- Flat tops

- The Charles Bronson

- Puffy priest head

- Greasy grunge

- Rat tails

- Flock of Seagulls

- "I have hair all over my head except for this exact spot the size of a quarter"

- The Rob Schneider

- Really curly blonde guy

- All old lady hair

- The Unicorn


How did Jesus get haircuts? That part was left out of the Bible. I mean it didn't seem like he got one too OFTEN, but you know. a lot of people knew that Jesus was Jesus. If you were thinking at the time, maybe sweep the barber shop floor and save his hair in a bag? You could sell it later at a charity auction or use it as a door prize at a stag.

I am writing a new chapter of the Bible (FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, DON'T GET MAD) called "The Last Haircut." It's mainly Jesus talking to his apostles while he gets his hair cut.

Matthew: Jesus do you have words to share today?

Jesus: Yes, love thy brothers and thy brothers will love thou.

Matthew: True dat.

Luke: Mmmm-hmmm.

John: Tell it.

The Barber: Word.