I am ready to take over for Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney is DEAD.

I think I can fill the void. Here is my audition:

1) What ever happened to LICKING stamps? Maybe if we weren't talking on our cellular phones so much our BIG MOUTHS would have more time for LITTLE THINGS. and what are we going to stop licking next? Lollipops? I don't like where any of this is going.

2) Why do we need computers? They waste electricity and make startling noises. I saw a man typing on a "lap top" style computer while eating his breakfast at Denny's. I don't understand. What was so important that he had to share it with the inter net before he finished his breakfast? Ironically, it was probably, "My eggs are getting cold."

3) Why are the young ladies of today so proud to have large rear ends? I don't understand. Years ago, there were diet pills for such conditions. But now it's something to be celebrated? I don't understand. The same girls we are counting on to grow up to be our nurses and teachers could not be prouder of their oversized, as they call them, "booties." Maybe it's time to tune out of Music Television and tune into the REAL "Real World."

4) Why are pickles so hard to open? You twist and twist and run out of breath, ultimately forced to submit to that delicious Kosher spear taunting you from the other side of the glass. I don't get it. Are pickles bad for me? Is this for my protection? My medication has a safety cap, but I can open that in two seconds. Are there special instructions I'm not aware of? I guess pickles, like tax cuts, are something people like me weren't meant to have.

5) When is this Bart Simpson person going to be taken off the air? Not to have a "cow," but I don't understand. Shouldn't he have grown up by now? I realize, Bart, that you are not a real person. You are merely an animated, calculated, fabricated role model for today's youth. However, if in some fantastical scenario you and I were ever to cross paths, I would like to ask you one question. I know who *I* am, Bart. Who the hell are YOU?

6) Is there one person left under the age of 40 that doesn't have something implanted in their face? Can't you buy a movie ticket or a quart of milk without being FRIGHTENED anymore? I saw a young man serving coffee and counted no less than seven objects "decorating" his visage. Walt Disney World does not allow the man that carries your bags to sport even a mustache, yet some establishments entrust ladies with (presumed) ornaments dangling from their netherbits to serve you an egg salad sandwich? No thanks. I'll stick with Mickey and Donald, and comfortably regard the rest of you as "Goofy."

Okay, there ya go. Anyone reading this that works for 60 Minutes or even a rival newsmagazine can e-mail me. (I can't work weekends, though.)