Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween costumes

So here it is! The day that kids and idiots everywhere have been waiting for. Hall-o-ween. Got your costume ready? No? Well here are some tips.

If you are an adult man, SIMPLE IS GOOD. Be a vampire. You need fangs and a cape. Everyone will know "what you are." Wrap yourself in bandages and be a mummy. Eyepatch, you're a pirate. Bathrobe and pointy homemade white hat, you're the POPE. Not hard.

That being said, you have to put in SOME effort. No putting on your softball uniform and being "a baseball player." No being a "UPS guy" if you really are a UPS guy. No bringing your orange vest and shotgun to the party and saying "I'm a hunter!"

Now if you're a woman, dressing up is a bit more complicated. (Isn't it always?) You can pick something sweet, or even something scary, but either way you are expected to bring the sexy. a lady vampire showing a gratuitous amount of cleavage is a good one. Or Little Bo Peep in whore makeup. It is Halloween tradition to look as slutty as possible while eating pumpkin cookies.

and of course there are people of both genders that try to come up with a costume that's either, like, "conceptual" or else way too ambitious. These costumes can be GREAT if you have the means to pull them off right. Otherwise, DISASTER. If you are supposed to be the Geico Gecko you better make DAMN sure you look like him. If people are coming up to you asking "What are you supposed to be? Kermit the Frog?" then you have made a serious costuming blunder and need to leave the party. Or if you just make yourself up like a dead person and carry around a Mac saying "I'm Steve Jobs! Get it?" Yeah we get it, now get out.

Anyway Halloween is best left to CHILDREN in the first place. Kids get to be whatever they want. It is an important decision. They begin planning their ensemble sometime over the summer. "I think I'm gonna be a Ninja Turtle." Bold choice, not too many kids pick that anymore. Now it's up to mom to get the costume ready. Money is spent. Finishing touches are added. October 31st comes, and the child rushes in after school, can't wait to get Turtled up. Mom says "Don't put that on yet, you have to eat dinner first, get over here and eat some ravioli." Finally it's dusk, time to TRICK-OR-TREAT. Costume goes on, looks perfect, and then mom says "You need to wear a winter coat and hat and gloves, it's freezing out."

So now there's a Ninja Turtle and a Batman and a vampire and a ballerina all walking up and down the street with winter coats on. It's hard to look "cool" on Halloween. Superman would not wear earmuffs and carry a plastic bag. He also wouldn't have his mother walking the streets with him. So the whole thing is compromised! There should be one day for the costumes and another day for the candy begging. Otherwise it just doesn't work out. How did those two traditions get combined in the first place? There should be SEPARATION of CHURCH and STATE like happens with Santa Claus.



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