Who is STILL going to the movies?

It's 2011. How can movie theaters still be doing big business? Stay home! There's Facebook and Playstation now.

Going to the movies costs about $9. It costs $18 if you bring a date. Then there's popcorn, drinks, bathroom fees, etc. So what, like $40 altogether? Do you need to see Dolphin Tale THAT MUCH?

150 people in the theater. and you have to trust all of them to behave. It only takes one idiot to yell out "I've seen this before! The dolphin has a baby at the end!" and everybody's night is ruined. and of course there's plenty of talking, texting, ringtones going off, hiccuping, wheezing, and sex.

Oh and of course EATING.

Explain this routine to me. Fat kid gets to his seat, loaded up with nachos, hot dog, 64oz cola, Jujyfruits, and popcorn. Then the Coming Attractions begin, and last about 35 minutes. He sits there with this tray of junk on his lap throughout all of it. Doesn't touch it. Then the actual MOVIE starts, and it's time to dig in! Exactly one second into the film he swallows half a hot dog, has torn open the Jujyfruits, and still found time to get nacho cheese on his face. HOW DOES ACTIVELY EATING HELP YOU ENJOY THE MOVIE? and vice-versa. "I can't fully enjoy a slice of movie pizza unless I'm LOOKING at George Clooney."

Then when the movie ends, everybody has to leave all at once. 150 people filing out, and guess who's the leader of the pack? The slowest guy ever. Takes a step, rests a bit, takes a step, rests a bit, takes a step, looks over his shoulder to see if anything good is happening within the credits, rests a bit, etc.

So you would THINK that everybody would be sick of this by now, but nope. They're still packing 'em in to see Stepbrothers 2. The world has gone MOBILE. Movie theaters are STATIONARY. It doesn't make any sense!

I am gonna personally sneak into a crowded movie and yell "FIRE!" in the theater. That is sure to induce panic. The slow guy will be TRAMPLED.

Soon you'll have a new phone app that will sort of "tweet" movies to you one scene at a time. You'll be able to watch an entire major studio release bit by bit at your convenience, throughout the day. You watch the beginning in the morning while on the subway, the middle while goofing off at work (I know what you do), and the end on the way home. Then your Saturday night is free! We'll all have a big bonfire and talk about the movie.


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