2011 Year in Review

Well wasn't THAT something?

Just when you thought the Earth could not get more ridiculous, along came 2011. The year of Twitter. The year KFC added bacon to its Famous Bowl. The year of Adele.

The main guy in 2011 was Charlie Sheen. He began the year as the most popular person on television, but got fired for bad crimes like DRUG ABUSE and sending hurtful Tweets. This only intensified America's love for him (the jobless rate has been sky high so I guess there was a lot of sympathy) and his infamous "Winning" quote has become the #1 catchphrase. Losers everywhere love to say "Winning." It is a delicious blend of sarcasm and irony.

Meanwhile, on the "Losing" front, the big trend in 2011 was to "occupy." Big business and the government finally went too far, and honest, downtrodden citizens could TAKE NO MORE. The result was REBELLION.






Peaceful resistance was all over the news. and the government's response? "We get it! You're mad!" So nothing changed, and most of the occupants have gone home by now. Sometimes it's just nice to be listened to. Like when people audition for "American Idol" even though they know they have no chance. William Hung had his 15 minutes, and now so have the 99%.

Amongst the dead in 2011? Moammar Gadhafi, OSAMA BIN LADEN, and Amy Winehouse. So it washed out to be a pretty good year for that.

and of course, who can forget the ROYAL WEDDING? Besides all men, that is. That's okay, though. Ladies deserve something to look forward to now and then. Men get a Superbowl and income tax refund EVERY year. Things like Royal Weddings and Michael Buble only happen once in awhile.





What kind of year did Whitney Houston have? Well, you haven't heard that name in awhile, have you? So pretty good! Can't say the same for YOU, Hank Williams Jr.

and once again, it was a really bad year for newborn baby names. At least for boys.

"Aiden."

"Jayden."

"Caden."

"Brayden."

Girl names have stayed basically okay, just heavy on the vowels.


There was not much political news in 2011. Relatively, I mean. Clinton and Bush and other past maniacs have set the bar pretty high at this point. Plus we're going INTO an election year so people have been laying pretty low. Don't want to show your hand too soon.

In 2012, however, the lunatics will be all-in. and in the TWITTER age, mind you. Things are gonna get real insane real fast. Never had this kind of technology during a campaign before. Imagine if we did.

Lloyd Bentsen @Bentsen4VP

@QuayleMale88 u r no jack kennedy


***fUtUrE fLaSh***

The winner of the 2052 Presidential Election will be named Aiden Brayden Clinton. "ABC" for short.


Goodbye 2011! We will not forget you.

Christmas is different everywhere

In Japan, children receive their Christmas presents from the Buddhist monk Hotei-osho. Hotei-osho literally has eyes in the back of his head. That may sound terrifying, but Japanese people are used to being frightened. No cookies are left for Hotei-osho, but he leaves the presents anyway and does not complain.

In Italy, the presents are delivered by an ugly witch named Befana. She flies around on her broom looking for Baby Jesus because she was late on the day he was born and didn't get to see him. Befana leaves presents at the homes of children in case Baby Jesus is there. (I guess she still didn't hear about all the shit that went down.) In the cases of some lucky children, Befana believes that Baby Jesus would like an X-Box 360.

In Russia, Christmas is being phased out and replaced by the "Festival of Winter." Russia is the most fun place in the world.

Christmas in Finland is the usual sort of thing, but with an emphasis on cleanliness. They clean the whole house, then everybody takes a long steam bath, and then they eat a boiled codfish. and the Christmas presents are hand-delivered by Santa Claus personally. (Must be the reason for all the cleaning!) They call him Joulupukki. It means "Yule Goat."

In the Netherlands, children get a special visit from "Sinterklaas," who rides a flying horse. They are told that Sinterklaas has come all the way from Spain (WHY?) to question them about their behavior. If the children have been good, they are rewarded with gifts. Sinterklaas used to carry a birch rod to administer beatings to children that had an off year, but that part has now been eliminated from the routine.

In Spain, children get their presents directly from the Three Wise Men, but have to wait until January 6. They also honor and celebrate the awesomeness of COWS. This is because it is believed that a cow breathed on Baby Jesus to keep him warm/alive. Don't even think about trying to eat a hamburger in Spain on Christmas.

Swedish children get their presents from a magic Christmas gnome that rides a straw goat and lives under the floorboards of the house. It is a glorious day, to make up for 364 nights of terror worrying about the goat-riding gnome under the house.

In Denmark there is a mischievous elf called "Nisse" that lives in the lofts of old farmhouses. He emerges on Christmas Eve for a night of pranks and mayhem. The family leaves out a bowl of porridge in hopes that it will appease Nisse and keep the damage to a minimum. Bowl of porridge = shoelaces tied together. No bowl of porridge = sound of a chainsaw starting up in the barn.

In Iceland, there is no television broadcast between 5 and 10pm on Christmas Eve. They do not get 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" like in America. a week later, on New Year's Eve, things get even wilder. It is a magical night during which seals take the shape of humans, the dead rise from their graves, and cows are able to SPEAK! "Happy MOOOOOOOOOOOO Year!"

Christmas in Australia is awesome. Australia is down in the southern hemisphere, meaning that at Christmas time, temperatures typically approach 100 degrees! Everyone goes to the beach for a big picnic. They drink and swim and play cricket. It's like the 4th of July and Christmas combined! Turkey dinner with plum pudding, followed by fireworks. I don't know Santa's typical route but if I were him I would make Australia my last stop. Land my sleigh right on the sand and let all the reindeer take a dip. (*Watch out for sharks, though!)

Merry Christmas and Happy Other Holidays to everyone.

All the news from around the world

Whew! There sure have been a lot of WORLD EVENTS happening lately, but amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping and week after week of exciting Tim Tebow football play, most if not all of them have probably escaped your notice. So here I am to fill you in on what's been going on.


1) The Iraq War is OVER

This was a particularly easy one to miss since no differences have become apparent yet. But Obama says it's over (cue the re-election campaign!) so that makes it official. The announcement fell pretty flat. It was sort of like when the Geico Caveman rushed onto the balcony exclaiming "Tina's here! We're getting back together!" Sure it's good news, but pretty awkward timing there, Barack. JUST NOW IT'S SUDDENLY OVER? OKAY I GUESS! HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS MR. PRESIDENT!

2) Kim Jong-Il has died

I think most people probably heard about this, but I'm sure a lot of you were too embarrassed to ask "Who was Kim Jong-Il?" Well, you might be surprised to learn that there are NON-arab nations that hate America TOO. Others include Pakistan, Cuba, FRANCE, Russia, China, half of Africa, and Canada. But I daresay none of those hateful places have been more of a butt pain in recent years than North Korea. and Kim Jong-Il WAS their leader. He seemed to really want to fire a nuclear missile at us, but I guess he missed his chance. Will relations improve now? Probably not! North Korea is not the kind of place that has radical U.S.A. type elections. "We're sick of this dumb war criminal Texan. We want a HAPPY guy that says everything is going be different now!" "Hey wait, everything still sucks! Let's maybe try someone named MITT or NEWT! That'll change things up." Instead they just have a carbon copy of the same person waiting to step into place. Just like Charlie's Angels!

(No offense to Vietnam, who also hate us.)

3) Europe is going broke

Most of Europe recognizes the "euro" as official currency. 17 different nations sharing one currency. What could go wrong? I mean France and Germany have always gotten along, right? Here's what has happened, in a metaphoric nutshell. 17 co-workers who either like, dislike, or hardly know each other decided to go to Ruby Tuesday for drinks and appetizers after work. Once they got there, they found out that Ruby Tuesday won't write up separate checks for each person at the table. But who cares? Gonna be real fun, you know? "Just keep track of everything you order, and everything will be fine!" Everyone has a great time! Then the bill comes. Austria and the Netherlands had shared some spinach artichoke dip, and now both suddenly forgot how to do math. Spain can't remember "exactly" what it ordered to drink. Greece forgot to bring any money, but says it'll pay SOMEBODY back on Monday. At least five nations ordered wings, but there is confusion as to which ones. People were sharing. Italy has already left. Everybody is looking at everybody else either feigning confusion or with growing impatience. The bill is about one trillion euros. Germany finally has had enough. "Alright guys, we need to figure this out. I've got KIDS to get home to!" Ireland, hands in empty pockets, can only look longingly towards the exit. Ashamed.


So there you have it. I hope this blog has made you more interested in keeping up with world events. If you would like to do so you can follow Jon Stewart on Twitter. I don't know his handle but it's probably something like @JonStewart69 or @UnbiasedJon. Good luck!

Holiday car commercials

First of all if you get a car for Christmas, F YOU.

Notice it's always young people. "I am 34 and decided my wife might like a Lexus for Christmas. The kids are each getting their own 48" flat screens. That way they won't have to share. No fights!"

Is the woman in this relationship allowed to make any decisions? Who takes $79,000 out of the bank and doesn't tell their spouse? Next year she should surprise HIM. Stop taking her birth control. Imagine that scene.

They meet under the mistletoe in the wee hours of Christmas morning...

Husband: I know it's early but I couldn't wait.

Wife: I couldn't wait either!

Husband: You know, I think I love you more and more every Christmas.

Wife: I know, that's why I decided to get you something EXTRA special.

She hands him a small, gift-wrapped box, and inside is a pacifier.

Husband: It's...beautiful...?

Wife: Not as beautiful as our new baby boy is going to be. I'm thinking Joshua, for the name.

Husband: That's...wonderful...... I mean I circled that new set of clubs in Golf Digest and left it on the coffee table. Did you not see that?

Wife: Merry Christmas, sweetheart. By the way the Lexus has a ding in it.


Also get out of here with these commercials where Santa Claus is endorsing cars. He would not do that, he doesn't even drive. He has a magic sleigh.

There should be a commercial in which Santa is driving in his car with a bunch of presents in the back seat. He would be speeding down a dark country road, looking at his watch all like "Oh man, got to get these delivered!"

Then a reindeer steps into the road and Santa Claus goes "AUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHAUGHA!" and hits the brakes, but the car slides, and the scene pauses just before impact.

Then a deep-voiced man says, "This wouldn't happen.........if Santa drove a Mercedes."


I would also like to see one of those commercials where the kid sneaks into the house early in the morning and wakes everybody up by making Folgers coffee. His parents are of course awakened by the aroma, and they rush down to hug him all like "PETER, YOU'RE HOME!"

Then he asks "So why is there a car in the driveway with a giant bow on it?" The father rolls his eyes and says "It was supposed to be a SURPRISE you DICK."

tHe BeSt PaRt Of WaKinG uP...

Dad all sulking at the kitchen table drinking coffee, takes the music box out of his pocket and just throws it.

...iS fOlGeRs In YoUr CuP!


Do people ever get crappy used cars as Christmas gifts? Like a teenager that just got his license? That would actually be sort of heartwarming. Dad hands him a little music box and he's like "What's THIS?" and then he opens it and it plays the "Crazy Bout a Ford Truck" song. The kid looks out the window and sees a 1995 Ford Ranger in the driveway with "MERRY CHRISTMAS" written on the windshield and starts screaming and jumping around going nuts.

Little sister all jealous because "all" she got was an i-pod, kid wants everybody to pile in the back so he can drive them to CHURCH.

I paint a pretty picture sometimes, no?

Fonzie

Okay gang it is time to talk about Fonzie.

First of all, wtf? How did a show about Opie living in the 50s become a cultural phenomenon where Fonzie was hanging out with Mork from Ork? and why were Laverne and Shirley there as "good time gals" (whores)? Most of these questions will be addressed in or after this blog.

It is IMPORTANT to say that, inconsistent with other JERKS like Hulk Hogan and Ted Danson, the Fonz (real name HENRY FRANKLIN WINKLER) is as nice and cool in real life as he is on television. Everybody loves him all the time. and not in that stupid "I'm an angel" way. In real life, he loves sports and swears a lot. Like real men do. I do not know if he can ride a motorcycle REALLY. I tried to call the Smithsonian to find out but they apparently aren't open on weekends.

Fonzie merchandise is not as readily available as it should be. Is there a pull-string doll that goes "aayyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Even better would be a Tickle-Me-Fonzie doll that would, instead of giggling, go "WHOA WHOA WHOA!"

Some of you people using the internet are very young. You may be hesitant to believe that there was once a "Happy Days in Outer Space" cartoon, but that is a thing that really happened.





It was some of the characters from Happy Days having adventures in outer space. Potsie and Mr. Cunningham were not included. WHY?

Another thing about the Fonzie TV character is that his CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT was graduating high school. EVENTUALLY, when he got older. Very good role model. Meanwhile stupid Richie had to join the army and grow a mustache.

Some Fonzie fan-fiction ideas:

1) He makes friends with Urkel, but then there is a rift.

2) He punches a jukebox that is unplugged. Not sure if it should STILL start up or NOT.

3) He acknowledges having penetrated a woman without using innuendo.


"If Fonzie had to arm-wrestle Superman, he would somehow win." -Unknown


Here is Fonzie with his friend Lenny: