All the news from around the world

Whew! There sure have been a lot of WORLD EVENTS happening lately, but amidst the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping and week after week of exciting Tim Tebow football play, most if not all of them have probably escaped your notice. So here I am to fill you in on what's been going on.


1) The Iraq War is OVER

This was a particularly easy one to miss since no differences have become apparent yet. But Obama says it's over (cue the re-election campaign!) so that makes it official. The announcement fell pretty flat. It was sort of like when the Geico Caveman rushed onto the balcony exclaiming "Tina's here! We're getting back together!" Sure it's good news, but pretty awkward timing there, Barack. JUST NOW IT'S SUDDENLY OVER? OKAY I GUESS! HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS MR. PRESIDENT!

2) Kim Jong-Il has died

I think most people probably heard about this, but I'm sure a lot of you were too embarrassed to ask "Who was Kim Jong-Il?" Well, you might be surprised to learn that there are NON-arab nations that hate America TOO. Others include Pakistan, Cuba, FRANCE, Russia, China, half of Africa, and Canada. But I daresay none of those hateful places have been more of a butt pain in recent years than North Korea. and Kim Jong-Il WAS their leader. He seemed to really want to fire a nuclear missile at us, but I guess he missed his chance. Will relations improve now? Probably not! North Korea is not the kind of place that has radical U.S.A. type elections. "We're sick of this dumb war criminal Texan. We want a HAPPY guy that says everything is going be different now!" "Hey wait, everything still sucks! Let's maybe try someone named MITT or NEWT! That'll change things up." Instead they just have a carbon copy of the same person waiting to step into place. Just like Charlie's Angels!

(No offense to Vietnam, who also hate us.)

3) Europe is going broke

Most of Europe recognizes the "euro" as official currency. 17 different nations sharing one currency. What could go wrong? I mean France and Germany have always gotten along, right? Here's what has happened, in a metaphoric nutshell. 17 co-workers who either like, dislike, or hardly know each other decided to go to Ruby Tuesday for drinks and appetizers after work. Once they got there, they found out that Ruby Tuesday won't write up separate checks for each person at the table. But who cares? Gonna be real fun, you know? "Just keep track of everything you order, and everything will be fine!" Everyone has a great time! Then the bill comes. Austria and the Netherlands had shared some spinach artichoke dip, and now both suddenly forgot how to do math. Spain can't remember "exactly" what it ordered to drink. Greece forgot to bring any money, but says it'll pay SOMEBODY back on Monday. At least five nations ordered wings, but there is confusion as to which ones. People were sharing. Italy has already left. Everybody is looking at everybody else either feigning confusion or with growing impatience. The bill is about one trillion euros. Germany finally has had enough. "Alright guys, we need to figure this out. I've got KIDS to get home to!" Ireland, hands in empty pockets, can only look longingly towards the exit. Ashamed.


So there you have it. I hope this blog has made you more interested in keeping up with world events. If you would like to do so you can follow Jon Stewart on Twitter. I don't know his handle but it's probably something like @JonStewart69 or @UnbiasedJon. Good luck!