Christmas is different everywhere

In Japan, children receive their Christmas presents from the Buddhist monk Hotei-osho. Hotei-osho literally has eyes in the back of his head. That may sound terrifying, but Japanese people are used to being frightened. No cookies are left for Hotei-osho, but he leaves the presents anyway and does not complain.

In Italy, the presents are delivered by an ugly witch named Befana. She flies around on her broom looking for Baby Jesus because she was late on the day he was born and didn't get to see him. Befana leaves presents at the homes of children in case Baby Jesus is there. (I guess she still didn't hear about all the shit that went down.) In the cases of some lucky children, Befana believes that Baby Jesus would like an X-Box 360.

In Russia, Christmas is being phased out and replaced by the "Festival of Winter." Russia is the most fun place in the world.

Christmas in Finland is the usual sort of thing, but with an emphasis on cleanliness. They clean the whole house, then everybody takes a long steam bath, and then they eat a boiled codfish. and the Christmas presents are hand-delivered by Santa Claus personally. (Must be the reason for all the cleaning!) They call him Joulupukki. It means "Yule Goat."

In the Netherlands, children get a special visit from "Sinterklaas," who rides a flying horse. They are told that Sinterklaas has come all the way from Spain (WHY?) to question them about their behavior. If the children have been good, they are rewarded with gifts. Sinterklaas used to carry a birch rod to administer beatings to children that had an off year, but that part has now been eliminated from the routine.

In Spain, children get their presents directly from the Three Wise Men, but have to wait until January 6. They also honor and celebrate the awesomeness of COWS. This is because it is believed that a cow breathed on Baby Jesus to keep him warm/alive. Don't even think about trying to eat a hamburger in Spain on Christmas.

Swedish children get their presents from a magic Christmas gnome that rides a straw goat and lives under the floorboards of the house. It is a glorious day, to make up for 364 nights of terror worrying about the goat-riding gnome under the house.

In Denmark there is a mischievous elf called "Nisse" that lives in the lofts of old farmhouses. He emerges on Christmas Eve for a night of pranks and mayhem. The family leaves out a bowl of porridge in hopes that it will appease Nisse and keep the damage to a minimum. Bowl of porridge = shoelaces tied together. No bowl of porridge = sound of a chainsaw starting up in the barn.

In Iceland, there is no television broadcast between 5 and 10pm on Christmas Eve. They do not get 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" like in America. a week later, on New Year's Eve, things get even wilder. It is a magical night during which seals take the shape of humans, the dead rise from their graves, and cows are able to SPEAK! "Happy MOOOOOOOOOOOO Year!"

Christmas in Australia is awesome. Australia is down in the southern hemisphere, meaning that at Christmas time, temperatures typically approach 100 degrees! Everyone goes to the beach for a big picnic. They drink and swim and play cricket. It's like the 4th of July and Christmas combined! Turkey dinner with plum pudding, followed by fireworks. I don't know Santa's typical route but if I were him I would make Australia my last stop. Land my sleigh right on the sand and let all the reindeer take a dip. (*Watch out for sharks, though!)

Merry Christmas and Happy Other Holidays to everyone.