Classical music

Nothing is more beautiful and complex than classical music. It is soothing to the heart, mind, and soul. Most people do not enjoy listening to it. They would rather hear songs on the radio about the human anatomy and "doin' it." Well that's fine but you should also know a thing or two about CULTURE, so please read.

There were two main guys in classical music, Mozart and Beethoven. Beethoven was DEAF. Not right away, he developed it later. Nobody knows for sure how he lost his hearing, but theories include auto-immune disorder and someone blowing a trombone really loud in his ear as a joke. In spite of his deafness, he continued to play the piano and compose, but he couldn't sing along anymore.

Mozart could hear, but he dropped dead at age 35. Bad diet. He died sick at home, right around the time Beethoven was coming up the ranks. I would like it if they had a duel, but that didn't happen. Still, here's some possible dialogue:

Mozart: So, I hear you play a mean piano.

Beethoven: "Hear?" Is that supposed to be a JOKE?

Mozart: Calm the hell down.

Beethoven: No!

Mozart: Okay then take THIS.

(Mozart pulls out gun and shoots.)

Beethoven: Ha! You MISSED.

Mozart: Oh no!

(Beethoven pulls out gun and kills Mozart.)

Beethoven: I am GLAD you never finished your Requiem.

Johann Sebastian Bach died before Mozart was born, so that was good. No fights. Unlike other famous composers, Bach did not travel around Europe to perform for everybody. He just liked to stay home and write music. He was also the school music teacher. Imagine being in music class and Johann Sebastian Bach is there yelling at you. (I know that he yelled because he was German.) Imagine Johann Sebastian Bach slapping your knuckles with a ruler for not playing a horn right. (I know that he used violence because it was school in the 18th century.)

Tchaikovsky was from Russia. He was also gay. a gay MUSICIAN, paving the way for k.d. lang and others. He wrote famous ballets such as Swan Lake and the Nutcracker, so if you hate stuff like that now you know who to blame. Tchaikovsky's parents did not support him in his desire to make music. They thought it was nonsense and wanted him to be a civil servant. What a shame that would have been. Next time you see your mailman, you should encourage him to follow his dreams.

Now you may be asking "how come all the great composers are dead?" Well, they're not! We have John Williams. He writes the music for things like Star Wars, E.T., the Olympics, football, and the news. See it's hard to get people, especially children, to listen to classical music all plain so you have to trick them. John Williams is the dog pill hidden inside the cheese cube of our lives. May the Force be with him!

If you would like to listen to some classical music you can hear all of it on youtube for free. Hollywood and the government have not succeeded in taking it away yet.

So Paula Deen got diabetes

I will first of all join the rest of America in saying "duh." Let us now examine the potential ramifications this announcement will have on the Paula Deen Empire, and also the effects it may have on diabetes awareness, the Butter Council, and cows.

In addition to cheesecake burgers and deep-fried lasagna, Paula Deen will now promote "Victoza," an injectable drug that may help you manage your blood sugar. This is different from Wilford Brimley, who endorses Quaker Oats instead. Did the Quaker Oats people consider Paula Deen as a spokesperson when they heard the news? Do Quakers and southerners get along, or is there bad blood (no pun) between them? If anything I think there would at least be a communication barrier.

Paula Deen: Whut ahr Quaykur Ohts?

Quaker Oats: It's like warm cereal that you eat for breakfast.

Paula Deen: Oh y'awl meen grits?

Quaker Oats: No, not grits. They're...they're oats. Would you like to try a bowl?

Paula Deen: Since it's fooood then ye-yus, ah'll trah sum. Ah'll have mahn with a sticka buhtuh aynd a cuppa brown sugah pleese.

Maybe it would help if they had Wilford on the TV show with her. That guy doesn't take any crap.

Paula Deen: Weel-fur-uhd can y'awl pa-yuss me thuh buhtuh so ah can spuh-rehd it ontew thuh bay-con lawg?

Wilford: Now you stop messing around with that butter or they're gonna take your FOOT.

Paula Deen: Buht...buht Jay-mee and Bah-bee sayud...

Wilford: No more Jamie and Bobby! I sent them out back to bury all the lard.

Paula Deen: Buht ah need that fur mah coffee!


I hope Paula Deen learns her lesson and can get better, but meanwhile please be wary of her recipes, books, magazines, restaurants, drug products, cookware, bobbleheads, and clothing line. They ALL contain butter. Also if you see Wilford Brimley around and decide to ask for an autograph, be polite and do NOT make jokes.

More on video games

Okay so over the past week I have learned everything there is to learn about video games. The main thing is that people like to play video games that are also Legos.

I was pretty surprised to find this out. Doesn't exactly COMPUTE. "I would like to play out Pirates of the Caribbean as a video game. and also I would like all of the people and things in the game to be made out of Legos."

WHY?

The main thing that would appeal to me about Legos would be smashing them. Is that what you get to do? Because in real life you would have to clean up and rebuild and stuff. If your Xbox makes a giant Lego tower for you in like 1 second, and then you get the childish thrill of kicking it over, I could sort of see the appeal. "MAKE ME A NEW ONE NOW, SLAVE." Sad little Lego janitor is seen sweeping up the pieces, and then a new even bigger tower is immediately right there for you. "I HATE MY JOB AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS. TAKE THIS!" and it's smashed all over the place again.

But that apparently is not what these games are. It's really just being Batman or Indiana Jones, except in LEGO form. Weird. and why Legos and not other outdated toys? Wouldn't you like to play Etch-a-Sketch on your HD flatscreen TV? Wouldn't you like to see a Harry Potter that's made out of Play-Doh squished into spaghetti with the Fun Factory? That would be really soothing to the brain.


Some video games market themselves as "exercise." You dance around on a pad or punch air. That might be a really good time and all, but a computer program is not going to help you achieve physical fitness. Not unless they ratchet it up a few notches, that is.

I have this idea for a new game called Wii-90X. Really intense workout. Invisible hula hoop gyrations until you throw up from exhaustion. Super Mario Ab Ripper. Fat kids and other video game nerds always want to "beat the game." Wii-90X would be really tough to beat, it would take weeks of pain and discipline and commitment. Irresistible challenge to the average "gamer." They would diligently hunt down all the cracks and cheat codes needed to get around the fitness.


a lot of the most popular games involve killing, shooting, and crime. You get to take a machine gun to bad guys in a war, or slash the heads off zombies in a tomb. I think it is time to take the battle over car insurance into the gaming realm. Grand Theft Auto: Insurance Contract. You could play as Progressive Flo and go around shooting geckos and cavemen and the Allstate guy.

Imagine blasting the Allstate guy with a shoulder missile and he explodes into Lego pieces. Ultimate gaming moment right there. Imagine Progressive Flo and Erin Esurance kicking and ripping off each other's heads like in Mortal Kombat. Imagine opening a briefcase and there's a note that says "Orakpoed" and then a bomb goes off.


Well, I guess that about exhausts my interest in video games. Back to normal next week. Any remaining questions please ask a fat kid.


This is Lego Flo:

Video games!

Well color me stupid to find out that every kid I know, big or small, received some kind of new video gaming console as a holiday gift this season. What happened to "times being hard" and the economy being BAD? Turns out the money that could have been putting steaks and meatloaf on the table nightly instead went towards purchasing a 3DS or a PSP or an Xbox, Zbox, Vita, MindMac, Kinect, or Atari Platinum.

(If you haven't heard of some of these, check Japan.)

I don't have any of this stuff. The world of video games has changed, and I somehow missed it. Feels very lonely, like Luigi coming home from a hard day of plumbing to find that Mario has moved out. a note taped to the refrigerator reads, "Hey-a Luigi, no-a hard feelings ah? I can-a not jump on-a da Koopas wit-a you no more. I now-a kill a different-a kind of a Goomba in the Grand Theft Auto. You stay-a home, Luigi, you can-a not survive this place. I leave-a you two meatball in-a da freezer, and this magical key. It will open up-a da lock to the lawnmower shed. I take-a da mower though, was mine."

Next year I will be ready. I will start my training immediately, and by the time Christmas comes I will have mastered all video games. I will do all the necessary research. I will go to online video game forums and have strong opinions about which Final Fantasies were good and which ones were bad. I will know which systems are a "joke." I will learn how to play the guitar in "Guitar Hero" and FIND A WAY to make it work in "Rock Band." I will familiarize myself with all the girls from "Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball" and RANK them according to how much I like them.

I will know what this is: