Classical music

Nothing is more beautiful and complex than classical music. It is soothing to the heart, mind, and soul. Most people do not enjoy listening to it. They would rather hear songs on the radio about the human anatomy and "doin' it." Well that's fine but you should also know a thing or two about CULTURE, so please read.

There were two main guys in classical music, Mozart and Beethoven. Beethoven was DEAF. Not right away, he developed it later. Nobody knows for sure how he lost his hearing, but theories include auto-immune disorder and someone blowing a trombone really loud in his ear as a joke. In spite of his deafness, he continued to play the piano and compose, but he couldn't sing along anymore.

Mozart could hear, but he dropped dead at age 35. Bad diet. He died sick at home, right around the time Beethoven was coming up the ranks. I would like it if they had a duel, but that didn't happen. Still, here's some possible dialogue:

Mozart: So, I hear you play a mean piano.

Beethoven: "Hear?" Is that supposed to be a JOKE?

Mozart: Calm the hell down.

Beethoven: No!

Mozart: Okay then take THIS.

(Mozart pulls out gun and shoots.)

Beethoven: Ha! You MISSED.

Mozart: Oh no!

(Beethoven pulls out gun and kills Mozart.)

Beethoven: I am GLAD you never finished your Requiem.

Johann Sebastian Bach died before Mozart was born, so that was good. No fights. Unlike other famous composers, Bach did not travel around Europe to perform for everybody. He just liked to stay home and write music. He was also the school music teacher. Imagine being in music class and Johann Sebastian Bach is there yelling at you. (I know that he yelled because he was German.) Imagine Johann Sebastian Bach slapping your knuckles with a ruler for not playing a horn right. (I know that he used violence because it was school in the 18th century.)

Tchaikovsky was from Russia. He was also gay. a gay MUSICIAN, paving the way for k.d. lang and others. He wrote famous ballets such as Swan Lake and the Nutcracker, so if you hate stuff like that now you know who to blame. Tchaikovsky's parents did not support him in his desire to make music. They thought it was nonsense and wanted him to be a civil servant. What a shame that would have been. Next time you see your mailman, you should encourage him to follow his dreams.

Now you may be asking "how come all the great composers are dead?" Well, they're not! We have John Williams. He writes the music for things like Star Wars, E.T., the Olympics, football, and the news. See it's hard to get people, especially children, to listen to classical music all plain so you have to trick them. John Williams is the dog pill hidden inside the cheese cube of our lives. May the Force be with him!

If you would like to listen to some classical music you can hear all of it on youtube for free. Hollywood and the government have not succeeded in taking it away yet.