Video games!

Well color me stupid to find out that every kid I know, big or small, received some kind of new video gaming console as a holiday gift this season. What happened to "times being hard" and the economy being BAD? Turns out the money that could have been putting steaks and meatloaf on the table nightly instead went towards purchasing a 3DS or a PSP or an Xbox, Zbox, Vita, MindMac, Kinect, or Atari Platinum.

(If you haven't heard of some of these, check Japan.)

I don't have any of this stuff. The world of video games has changed, and I somehow missed it. Feels very lonely, like Luigi coming home from a hard day of plumbing to find that Mario has moved out. a note taped to the refrigerator reads, "Hey-a Luigi, no-a hard feelings ah? I can-a not jump on-a da Koopas wit-a you no more. I now-a kill a different-a kind of a Goomba in the Grand Theft Auto. You stay-a home, Luigi, you can-a not survive this place. I leave-a you two meatball in-a da freezer, and this magical key. It will open up-a da lock to the lawnmower shed. I take-a da mower though, was mine."

Next year I will be ready. I will start my training immediately, and by the time Christmas comes I will have mastered all video games. I will do all the necessary research. I will go to online video game forums and have strong opinions about which Final Fantasies were good and which ones were bad. I will know which systems are a "joke." I will learn how to play the guitar in "Guitar Hero" and FIND A WAY to make it work in "Rock Band." I will familiarize myself with all the girls from "Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball" and RANK them according to how much I like them.

I will know what this is: