Things people need to stop saying

1) "Shut The Front Door"

Enough. We are getting dangerously close to a situation in which a feisty old lady or CGI chipmunk will say this in a "hilarious" movie trailer. Thank God the Superbowl already happened. In case you somehow don't know, "Shut The Front Door" is supposed to be a PG-13 version of "STFU." Because cleaned-up versions of R-rated stuff are always SO WELL-LIKED AND FUNNY. If you say "Shut The Front Door" you are the humor equivalent of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal rapping about AIDS.

2) "Big Girl Panties"

No. This one is just kind of starting out, but needs to be nipped in the bud. If you haven't heard it yet, women have started saying "put on my big girl panties" as a new attempt to harness some sort of Spice Girl type girl-power. They even say it TO each other.

Lady #1: "I just lost my job, dropped my coffee, and then a MAN didn't hold the elevator for me!"

Lady #2: "Well put on your big girl panties and deal with it!"

Even Oprah herself would never tolerate this crap. I have written her a letter asking for help, but I don't really expect a response. You know how she is. Maybe she'll mail me a free car, though.

3) UBER

Holy good dang lord but what kind of uber-dorks are still saying "UBER?" Probably the same geniuses that still try to make jokes in which somebody "called."

"Hey Ringo Starr called, he wants his usefulness back."

LIKE PEOPLE STILL SHARE PHONES.

Anyway, in spite of what they say about me down at the public pool, I don't normally advocate violence. But I think that if you say "uber" you deserve to be hit right on top of your head. Just once, in like a Three Stooges fashion. If you are eating a really good hamburger, don't say "this is the uber-burger." Don't say "you are the uber-wife" if your wife lets you play softball on your anniversary. If you say things like that you deserve to be hungry and divorced. a lot of people's minds have been warped in regards to acceptable dialogue. I think it's from watching too much M*A*S*H.

In summary, God gave us the English language for a reason. USE IT CORRECTLY.

***eXcEpTiOnS***

* I am okay with saying "Shut The Front Door" if you mean it LITERALLY. Don't let suckas take that out of life.

* I am okay with jokes about people "calling" as long as they are compliments, not insults.

"Mr. Belvedere called, he wants his hospitality back."






(Caption: "Time to put on my big girl panties and face another day.")

If you get your oil changed anywhere but Walmart you are an idiot

Everybody likes to complain about Walmart undercutting their competition and putting everybody else out of business but when it comes to oil and lube places they have totally got it coming. Most of you are familiar with the routine. You pull into Valvoline or Pep Boys or Big Earl's Lube Barn and have to go through this embarrassing mind torture.

Customer: Can I have an oil change please?

Jerk: Yes, sir.

Customer: Thank you.

Jerk: Okay I will change your oil. Oh actually, now that I'm down here look at THIS. You need a complete transmission flush, a tire rotation, and a new fuel pump. When's the last time you changed the air filter? Also your car is leaking oil very badly. Someone has done a very poor job taking care of this vehicle. Is this YOUR car or is it normally driven by a lady?

Customer: Well...it's mine, but...

Jerk: I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Anyway we can take care of all of this for you today. The cost will be five-thousand-and-seventy-six dollars plus tax. Should we go ahead and do that for you?

Customer: Oh. Uhhh, no, just the oil change please.

Jerk: Have it your way. Can you please just sign this document to verify that I told you about everything that you are foolishly neglecting?

Customer: Sure.

Jerk: and can you please just sign one more copy so we can mail it to your father?

Customer: Sure.

Jerk: Okay, I'll change that oil for you then. It is an extremely easy procedure that takes about two minutes. Most people can do it themselves, but since you can't, I will do it for you. I got laid way before the prom and didn't have to go to college. There, you're all set. Now give me your wallet.


Because if you knew anything about your car, you wouldn't be there! They KNOW that! and they know YOU know they know that. and you hate it, but guess what? Walmart KNOWS that you hate it. So they are proud to offer their customers a humiliation-free oil and lube experience.

It's smart business. No upselling. No questions. Just give them the keys and they call you when it's all done. The CATCH, of course, is that they expect you to shop for other things while you're waiting. But so what? You need stuff anyway. and there's no jerk standing right next to you pushing things.

Jerk: You need to buy this vacuum cleaner or your carpet's gonna be really dirty, and you need this box of Great Value Texas Toast for when you get hungry later. Want me to go ahead and ring those up for you?

Customer: No, just the oil change please.

What's next for Walmart? You can get everything there, even beer and eyeglasses. Maybe they could help finish off the post office. That place is on rubber legs these days. Either that or they can start giving haircuts. It's nice being able to get so many errands done in the same place. The only downside is that you MIGHT get shot at or trampled, but the odds of getting in and out of Walmart uninjured these days are still extremely good.

Haven't YOU suffered enough embarrassing mind torture inside Big Earl's Lube Barn? Go to Walmart!

Chocolate

Since the times of Native Americans, chocolate has been all the rage. It enjoys a significant presence in our homes, vending machines, and Easter baskets. Anyone who's ever scarfed a box of Ho Hos, dunked an Oreo, or been Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs will revel in this blog about the world's favorite sweet treat!

For most of its history, chocolate was primarily a beverage. Chocolate drinks have come in many forms, including the bitter-tasting Aztec concoction "xocolatl," and also Nestle Quik. But nowadays, most people think of chocolate as candy. Hershey is the largest chocolate manufacturer. Their chocolate is very popular in bar form, and also the form of Kisses. The Mars company sells its chocolate in bar form too, but it is not as popular. People would rather eat it as M&Ms, I think because they get to pick a favorite color. They should put a candy shell around the chocolate bar itself. Instant sales boost. If the President of Mars is reading this (the chocolate company, not the planet) please e-mail me. You seem like you could use the help.

There is also fancy chocolate. a box of chocolates is a common gift that men give to ladies to make them fat. The ladies demand this gesture, then claim to be "watching their figure," then eat the chocolates anyway, and then there's self-doubt and shame. Also, the chocolates all have different things inside them, but you don't know what until you bite in. It's headgames all around.

You can also bake chocolate things at home. Chocolate cake, fudge, and BROWNIES. All will make you popular when shared at the office or other jobs that allow outside food. DO NOT try to eat the baking chocolate plain, even if you get desperate. If you are a "chocoholic," call your sponsor. He or she can probably talk you through the craving long enough to at least make it to the raw batter stage. Then you can get your fix by licking the spoon.

Almost everything edible has been dipped in chocolate by somebody, somewhere. There are chocolate-covered pretzels, tasty bonbons, and even crazy things like chocolate-covered PICKLES. Some people even eat ants and crickets that have been covered in chocolate. I'm not sure how most of these wacky inventions came to be, but I imagine it was probably like the peanut butter cup thing. Someone is walking along with a jar of chocolate sauce, getting ready to drink it (chocoholism), and then accidentally bumps into a guy that had been waving a pickle around angrily. "You got your pickle in my chocolate!" "You got your chocolate all over my pickle!" Or else some ants get all into some chocolate syrup that was left spilled on the counter and a man struggling with his diet has what begins as a moment of shame.

Happy Valentine's Day! Guys, don't be cheap!


Chocolate Space Invaders (This is how the President of Mars will attack):

Superbowl snacks!

Shrimp cocktail platter is the ultimate. Yet so many people are like "I don't like shrimp!" FOOLS. They should give it to you in school along with the chocolate milk so you get all acclimated.

You know what everybody DOES love? Dip. You take the healthiest thing in the world, like a piece of celery, and just dunk it in oniony fat. Mmmm. Then after a few dunks, you start getting all creative. Celery with dip on it, but then a carrot on TOP and what the hell, a cherry tomato stuck on there too. Don't even get me started on cheese/cracker/pepperoni combinations.

Why does salsa have to be in a bowl? It turns into red water in a hurry. and the chips, you get like ten full-size chips and then just shards. It should just all be thrown together like a casserole that you can eat with a spoon. Melt Velveeta on top.

At Christmas-time, some dogs get a bone with a ribbon tied around it. They should get a mini Superbowl buffet, too. a little tray of pepperoni, cheese, and a pair of freshly worn socks. Dogs ain't too hard to please.

Tiny little hot dogs that you eat with a toothpick are neat. In fact they should be more completely automatic, like potato chips. I vow to never again have a Thanksgiving dinner or wedding where there are not toothpick hot dogs on the table for EVERYONE.

GIANT PARTY SUB is so awesome to see on the table. Not 50 individual sandwiches, one big one. Why isn't more food that way? Imagine a giant cheese ball just sitting on the table. One huge Swedish meatball that an employed man carves like a turkey.