Things people need to stop saying

1) "Shut The Front Door"

Enough. We are getting dangerously close to a situation in which a feisty old lady or CGI chipmunk will say this in a "hilarious" movie trailer. Thank God the Superbowl already happened. In case you somehow don't know, "Shut The Front Door" is supposed to be a PG-13 version of "STFU." Because cleaned-up versions of R-rated stuff are always SO WELL-LIKED AND FUNNY. If you say "Shut The Front Door" you are the humor equivalent of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal rapping about AIDS.

2) "Big Girl Panties"

No. This one is just kind of starting out, but needs to be nipped in the bud. If you haven't heard it yet, women have started saying "put on my big girl panties" as a new attempt to harness some sort of Spice Girl type girl-power. They even say it TO each other.

Lady #1: "I just lost my job, dropped my coffee, and then a MAN didn't hold the elevator for me!"

Lady #2: "Well put on your big girl panties and deal with it!"

Even Oprah herself would never tolerate this crap. I have written her a letter asking for help, but I don't really expect a response. You know how she is. Maybe she'll mail me a free car, though.

3) UBER

Holy good dang lord but what kind of uber-dorks are still saying "UBER?" Probably the same geniuses that still try to make jokes in which somebody "called."

"Hey Ringo Starr called, he wants his usefulness back."

LIKE PEOPLE STILL SHARE PHONES.

Anyway, in spite of what they say about me down at the public pool, I don't normally advocate violence. But I think that if you say "uber" you deserve to be hit right on top of your head. Just once, in like a Three Stooges fashion. If you are eating a really good hamburger, don't say "this is the uber-burger." Don't say "you are the uber-wife" if your wife lets you play softball on your anniversary. If you say things like that you deserve to be hungry and divorced. a lot of people's minds have been warped in regards to acceptable dialogue. I think it's from watching too much M*A*S*H.

In summary, God gave us the English language for a reason. USE IT CORRECTLY.

***eXcEpTiOnS***

* I am okay with saying "Shut The Front Door" if you mean it LITERALLY. Don't let suckas take that out of life.

* I am okay with jokes about people "calling" as long as they are compliments, not insults.

"Mr. Belvedere called, he wants his hospitality back."






(Caption: "Time to put on my big girl panties and face another day.")