If you get your oil changed anywhere but Walmart you are an idiot

Everybody likes to complain about Walmart undercutting their competition and putting everybody else out of business but when it comes to oil and lube places they have totally got it coming. Most of you are familiar with the routine. You pull into Valvoline or Pep Boys or Big Earl's Lube Barn and have to go through this embarrassing mind torture.

Customer: Can I have an oil change please?

Jerk: Yes, sir.

Customer: Thank you.

Jerk: Okay I will change your oil. Oh actually, now that I'm down here look at THIS. You need a complete transmission flush, a tire rotation, and a new fuel pump. When's the last time you changed the air filter? Also your car is leaking oil very badly. Someone has done a very poor job taking care of this vehicle. Is this YOUR car or is it normally driven by a lady?

Customer: Well...it's mine, but...

Jerk: I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Anyway we can take care of all of this for you today. The cost will be five-thousand-and-seventy-six dollars plus tax. Should we go ahead and do that for you?

Customer: Oh. Uhhh, no, just the oil change please.

Jerk: Have it your way. Can you please just sign this document to verify that I told you about everything that you are foolishly neglecting?

Customer: Sure.

Jerk: and can you please just sign one more copy so we can mail it to your father?

Customer: Sure.

Jerk: Okay, I'll change that oil for you then. It is an extremely easy procedure that takes about two minutes. Most people can do it themselves, but since you can't, I will do it for you. I got laid way before the prom and didn't have to go to college. There, you're all set. Now give me your wallet.


Because if you knew anything about your car, you wouldn't be there! They KNOW that! and they know YOU know they know that. and you hate it, but guess what? Walmart KNOWS that you hate it. So they are proud to offer their customers a humiliation-free oil and lube experience.

It's smart business. No upselling. No questions. Just give them the keys and they call you when it's all done. The CATCH, of course, is that they expect you to shop for other things while you're waiting. But so what? You need stuff anyway. and there's no jerk standing right next to you pushing things.

Jerk: You need to buy this vacuum cleaner or your carpet's gonna be really dirty, and you need this box of Great Value Texas Toast for when you get hungry later. Want me to go ahead and ring those up for you?

Customer: No, just the oil change please.

What's next for Walmart? You can get everything there, even beer and eyeglasses. Maybe they could help finish off the post office. That place is on rubber legs these days. Either that or they can start giving haircuts. It's nice being able to get so many errands done in the same place. The only downside is that you MIGHT get shot at or trampled, but the odds of getting in and out of Walmart uninjured these days are still extremely good.

Haven't YOU suffered enough embarrassing mind torture inside Big Earl's Lube Barn? Go to Walmart!