Hunt's ketchup is ghetto

Everybody knows that the best ketchup is Heinz. It is served in the finest restaurants, and is a staple in the homes of celebrities. They need ketchup, too. Open Pierce Brosnan or Shelly Long's refrigerator* and you will be DAMN sure to find a bottle of Heinz ketchup in there. What else are they gonna put on their meatloaf and tater tots?

(*Do not do this without permission.)

Why does Hunt's ketchup even exist? I understand that these are hard economic times. Maybe not EVERYBODY can afford to put Heinz ketchup on the table. But even so, when you go to the supermarket, you get three basic options.

Heinz Ketchup $1.59
Hunt's Ketchup $1.39
Generic Brand Ketchup $1.09

WHO IN HELL is passing on the generic ketchup in favor of Hunt's? "Well, I want a quality brand name product, but Heinz is just a little too steep." You're not buying a HOUSE or a CAR, it's a bottle of ketchup. Either spring for the Heinz or else SAVE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

To answer my own question, I will tell you why Hunt's ketchup exists. It's because the Hunt's company is in the business of growing and canning tomatoes. So since they have a lot of tomatoes AROUND, they figured "Well, we should just go ahead and whip up some ketchup!" Stupid idea, because even though their tomatoes are acceptable and tasty, nobody thinks of Hunt's as the leading canned tomato company. Everyone thinks of them as the crappy #2 ketchup company. Why would you allow your brand name to be known for making bad ketchup as opposed to quality tomatoes? I don't get it. It's like if Oscar Mayer decided "Well we already have a bunch of hoofs and snouts, let's try competing with Jell-O." Would you eat Oscar Mayer Brand Gelatin Dessert?

Imagine asking for ketchup at McDonalds and they hand you a bunch of Hunt's packets. You would ask to see the manager. Imagine being at a fancy hamburger party and the hostess sets out a big squeeze bottle of Hunt's. You'd be so embarrassed for her.

Out of respect to the Heinz corporation, and other fine manufacturers of gourmet ketchup, I have decided to introduce the term "ghetchup" to refer to all inferior brands of ketchup. I will use my influence within the youth community to spread this term around, and it will soon become popularized, beginning in high school cafeterias. Then it will make its way into every low or middle income home. Families using the Walmart brand ketchup will say "pass the ghetchup" at the dinner table.

Since Hunt's is just barely a notch above the no-name brands, they get to be referred to as "ghetchup elite." If they are smart about it, they will even use it in their marketing. "The World's Best-Tasting Ghetchup!" They can't say that about REAL ketchup or Heinz would sue.

Heinz could use it in their marketing too.

"Shelly Long ain't use no ghetchup, she dips her fish sticks in HEINZ ketchup!"