Canada

Canada is a place that everyone likes to pick on. It is a very large nation, but sparsely populated, due to most of it being wasteland. So to Americans, it's like sitting next to a real big not-that-clever kid in high school that you can harass a lot, and he doesn't fight back very well. He is too shy to get violent, and his typical comebacks are things like "I don't give a care" or "up yours."

Almost every nation has pride. If you talk to a person from Kuwait, he will tell you how great Kuwait is. "Man, there's nothing like summer in Kuwait. Enjoying the 115 degree heat in the peace and tranquility of the Persian Gulf. Also, we have some of the fastest camels in the WORLD." But Canadians have, like, really REALLY disproportionate pride. It is a complex they have developed from having to live right next to America. They are unwavering in their insistence that Canada is "better," but are unable to explain why. "It just is."

Canadian: You Americans are so dumb, you don't even know who our prime minister is.

American: Why would we care about that? We have the Superbowl.

Canadian: Big deal, we have the GREY CUP. and we're better at hockey, too.

American: Did you watch the Superbowl?

Canadian: Of course I did. It SUCKED.

American: But you still WATCHED it, right? Doesn't that mean you LIKE American sports?

Canadian: We make better BEER than you.

American: We still get to drink it, though. and we don't have to buy it at a special store, we can just buy it anywhere.

Canadian: You SHOULD have to buy it at a special store. That's a BETTER SYSTEM.

American: How is that better? It's expensive and inconvenient.

Canadian: It just is.

American: But for what REASON do you think it's better?

Canadian: ...

American: Well?

Canadian: You don't have HEALTH CARE.


Other things Canadians are proud of:

- Colorful money

- Speaking French

- Kilometers

- Having the better side of Niagara Falls (even though they don't get to LOOK at it)

- Martin Short

- Ketchup chips

- The national anthem

- Maple syrup

- DeGrassi High

- Bears

- Eskimos

- Being friendly

- Trees


Things Canadians are not proud of:

- Justin Bieber

- Quebec


Most of Canada is unfit for habitation. Therefore the vast majority of Canadians migrate to the "south," which is colder and icier than our north. Imagine that. "Enough of this weather. Ottawa here I come!" Don't forget your golf clubs.

Crime is not a much a problem in Canada. The nation is efficiently policed, and the law is strictly enforced. Officers of the law are highly revered and treated with the utmost respect.





(If you go to Canada, take this with you as a guide to help you spot any fake Mounties, especially around Halloween time.)

and finally, no comprehensive essay on Canada and its people would be complete without mentioning WAYNE GRETZKY. He is the most popular man in all of Canada. He could easily be prime minister if he FELT LIKE IT, but doesn't want to take the pay cut. Young Canadian boys (and some girls!) dream of growing up to be the next Wayne Gretzky. Yet somehow, he has not yet been knighted by the Queen. How come? Canadians fall under her jurisdiction, too. What, has he not done ENOUGH? Canadians should stop hating on America and focus more on the Queen being prejudiced. She hardly ever even visits.






That's about all there is to know about Canada, eh? Oh wait, one more thing!

The Prime Minister's name is Steve Harper. (There, happy?)