Gambling

Since the dawn of man, and in every corner of the globe, the male species has forever been obsessed with gambling. In caveman times, it was common to place bets on how far a rock or mate could be thrown. The inhabitants of ancient China were fond of Keno, and Puritan settlers in America popularized the lottery. "WIN WIN WIN! Prizes include tomes and BROTH." The furor (yes FUROR) over these games of chance only intensified throughout the ages, and illegal wagering is now a fixture in our workplaces and locker rooms.

The headquarters of gambling is Las Vegas, Nevada. It is a place where old people like to go to throw away their remaining money before they die, as well as a frequent honeymoon spot for young white trash couples that cannot afford to go to Hawaii. There is an expression, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." In other words, "Cheat on your wife! WIN WIN WIN!" Las Vegas is a den of sin, even worse than New York City. Celine Dion can be found there lately.

But if you just choose to gamble from home or work, the most popular things to bet on are fantasy football, March Madness, and poker games. All of these are crimes. They are these sort of "look the other way" crimes though, like downloading copyrighted music and stealing grapes.

Why do most office pools fixate on sports? So much else happens in a year besides March Madness and the Superbowl. There could be a pool every single week, betting on things like the electoral votes in the Presidential election, or "who can drink the most bottled water without going to the bathroom?" I'd make a good boss.

Another thing you can bet on is animal races. The level of degeneracy varies depending on what kind of animal it is.

Horses = Mildly irresponsible
Dogs = Dangerously desperate
Pigs = "I have become a horrible man"
Kangaroos = Australian felon

Frog and duck races are just for fun and generally condoned by both the government and the community.

The quickest way to gamble is probably scratch-off tickets. You can buy these in "convenience" or "Quick-E" type stores, in order to sabotage the store's intended purpose of allowing customers to get in and out quickly. There is more than one kind of scratch off ticket. Why? Are some of the games more FUN than others? It should be such a simple formula. Pay-scratch-lose. If you are stooping to playing scratch off games for ENTERTAINMENT, get a library card already.

Slot machines are another popular thing. They are all over Las Vegas everywhere, even at church. a slot machine is like a vending machine where the soda almost never comes out. But then once in awhile, a whole BUNCH of sodas come out all at once. You just have to keep trying. In fact that's how vending machines should BE in Las Vegas. Other things too. The blowing hot air in the restroom should only work like every 100th time somebody hits the button. If you "ring for service" at the hotel front desk, you should get ignored most of the time, except a few lucky instances per day when Tom Jones would come out and personally take your bags.

People like playing the odds.