(Originally posted March 29, 2007)
The first thing I want to know is why did Superman need the secret identity? Were people messing with him all the time? What advantage would the bad guys gain if they knew Superman's real name and address? If they showed up at his apartment he'd just fight them off like always. I guess maybe they could send him a package of Kryptonite so that he'd get really weak while opening his mail.
Also, what's with the job? Was he really serious about journalism or just fucking around? I ask because journalism is a pretty competitive field. Do you think Clark Kent embellished on his resume like other people? If not he was putting himself at a disadvantage. Then again Superman is used to overcoming huge obstacles. Imagine secretly being Superman and your boss sends you on a lousy assignment. He didn't seem like a very hard-nosed journalist so he probably had to cover a lot of ethnic parades and dog shows.
How was no one able to figure out who Batman was? Batman is not above the law. Didn't he have to register the Batmobile at the DMV like everybody else? Sometimes Batman and Robin would be hanging out at the Batcave, just the two of them, and they still wore the masks. WHY?
and other times Superman and Batman would be in the cartoons together, as if Superman could ever possibly need Batman's help. Batman had lots of cool gadgets and stuff but no super powers at ALL. He BOUGHT his superhero status. I can't believe that Superman was ever really cool with that, but probably too nice to say anything.
I think there was one time that Superman and the Flash decided to get together and have a race and it was a tie. That had to make the Flash feel like such crap. "Well I'm only good at one thing are you are equally good at it. Congratulations, jerk."
In fact did any of these guys ever make an effort to LEARN some kind of talent or skill that wasn't just inherited through circumstance? If not, seems kind of lazy. The Flash could have been a great chef or something if he applied himself. Maybe the Green Lantern was good at fixing cars.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Gambling
Since the dawn of man, and in every corner of the globe, the male species has forever been obsessed with gambling. In caveman times, it was common to place bets on how far a rock or mate could be thrown. The inhabitants of ancient China were fond of Keno, and Puritan settlers in America popularized the lottery. "WIN WIN WIN! Prizes include tomes and BROTH." The furor (yes FUROR) over these games of chance only intensified throughout the ages, and illegal wagering is now a fixture in our workplaces and locker rooms.
The headquarters of gambling is Las Vegas, Nevada. It is a place where old people like to go to throw away their remaining money before they die, as well as a frequent honeymoon spot for young white trash couples that cannot afford to go to Hawaii. There is an expression, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." In other words, "Cheat on your wife! WIN WIN WIN!" Las Vegas is a den of sin, even worse than New York City. Celine Dion can be found there lately.
But if you just choose to gamble from home or work, the most popular things to bet on are fantasy football, March Madness, and poker games. All of these are crimes. They are these sort of "look the other way" crimes though, like downloading copyrighted music and stealing grapes.
Why do most office pools fixate on sports? So much else happens in a year besides March Madness and the Superbowl. There could be a pool every single week, betting on things like the electoral votes in the Presidential election, or "who can drink the most bottled water without going to the bathroom?" I'd make a good boss.
Another thing you can bet on is animal races. The level of degeneracy varies depending on what kind of animal it is.
Horses = Mildly irresponsible
Dogs = Dangerously desperate
Pigs = "I have become a horrible man"
Kangaroos = Australian felon
Frog and duck races are just for fun and generally condoned by both the government and the community.
The quickest way to gamble is probably scratch-off tickets. You can buy these in "convenience" or "Quick-E" type stores, in order to sabotage the store's intended purpose of allowing customers to get in and out quickly. There is more than one kind of scratch off ticket. Why? Are some of the games more FUN than others? It should be such a simple formula. Pay-scratch-lose. If you are stooping to playing scratch off games for ENTERTAINMENT, get a library card already.
Slot machines are another popular thing. They are all over Las Vegas everywhere, even at church. a slot machine is like a vending machine where the soda almost never comes out. But then once in awhile, a whole BUNCH of sodas come out all at once. You just have to keep trying. In fact that's how vending machines should BE in Las Vegas. Other things too. The blowing hot air in the restroom should only work like every 100th time somebody hits the button. If you "ring for service" at the hotel front desk, you should get ignored most of the time, except a few lucky instances per day when Tom Jones would come out and personally take your bags.
People like playing the odds.
The headquarters of gambling is Las Vegas, Nevada. It is a place where old people like to go to throw away their remaining money before they die, as well as a frequent honeymoon spot for young white trash couples that cannot afford to go to Hawaii. There is an expression, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." In other words, "Cheat on your wife! WIN WIN WIN!" Las Vegas is a den of sin, even worse than New York City. Celine Dion can be found there lately.
But if you just choose to gamble from home or work, the most popular things to bet on are fantasy football, March Madness, and poker games. All of these are crimes. They are these sort of "look the other way" crimes though, like downloading copyrighted music and stealing grapes.
Why do most office pools fixate on sports? So much else happens in a year besides March Madness and the Superbowl. There could be a pool every single week, betting on things like the electoral votes in the Presidential election, or "who can drink the most bottled water without going to the bathroom?" I'd make a good boss.
Another thing you can bet on is animal races. The level of degeneracy varies depending on what kind of animal it is.
Horses = Mildly irresponsible
Dogs = Dangerously desperate
Pigs = "I have become a horrible man"
Kangaroos = Australian felon
Frog and duck races are just for fun and generally condoned by both the government and the community.
The quickest way to gamble is probably scratch-off tickets. You can buy these in "convenience" or "Quick-E" type stores, in order to sabotage the store's intended purpose of allowing customers to get in and out quickly. There is more than one kind of scratch off ticket. Why? Are some of the games more FUN than others? It should be such a simple formula. Pay-scratch-lose. If you are stooping to playing scratch off games for ENTERTAINMENT, get a library card already.
Slot machines are another popular thing. They are all over Las Vegas everywhere, even at church. a slot machine is like a vending machine where the soda almost never comes out. But then once in awhile, a whole BUNCH of sodas come out all at once. You just have to keep trying. In fact that's how vending machines should BE in Las Vegas. Other things too. The blowing hot air in the restroom should only work like every 100th time somebody hits the button. If you "ring for service" at the hotel front desk, you should get ignored most of the time, except a few lucky instances per day when Tom Jones would come out and personally take your bags.
People like playing the odds.
Monday, March 19, 2012
The flower blog
It's that time of year! Spring is on the way, and soon flowers will be popping up everywhere. Flowers are an important staple in our culture. They are very beautiful and can be found in almost every decent home. This blog will tell you about all the different flowers you can buy, use, or smell.
It is considered very romantic to give a lady a bouquet of roses. Or else just one, for romantic guys that are also poor. Violets are not usually given to people. They are mainly just known for being blue, which is the color that rhymes with the most stuff. Poets and even some songwriters have stooped to mentioning the blueness of violets on quite a few occasions. "a rose is red, a violet is blue, the duck goes quack, and the cow says moo." See? Easy money.
Tulips are the only flower to have enjoyed a "mania." Tulip mania swept the Netherlands in the early part of the 17th century, and they have been a mainstay in that country ever since. No one is sure why they went so cuckoo over tulips, but it's important to remember that Dutch people are high a lot of the time and there was no television to look at back then. Ever stared at a windmill while on drugs? Don't do it at miniature golf, there's too many families around.
Some flowers that are also girl names:
- Daisy
- Lily
- Iris
- Rose
"Petunia" used to be another one but it has been discontinued. Chrysanthemum does not get used as a name because it is too hard to spell, even for boys.
The most hated flower is the dandelion. Except in vegetarian circles, they like to EAT them. It is the main issue that divides vegetarians and school groundskeepers that ride big lawn-mowing tractors. You can also harvest dandelions and use them to make WINE, but only if you know how.
Okay now I need to address a sensitive topic. It may be shocking to hear, but flowers are actually the reproductive organs of plants. Yep, THOSE reproductive organs. It is something that most people don't like to think about. a woman at a wedding doesn't want to hear "Oh I love those genitals in your hair!" I guess a lot of men would still like wearing the boutonniere. Pointing at it all like "Check THIS out." Broccoli is a flower too, btw. Think about THAT next time you're EATING IT.
Well, that's about all there is to know about flowers. Sorry this took a perverse turn towards the end but I think I was pretty tactful. If you have more questions about flowers and their organs you can try talking to your local botanist. It may even lead to something!
It is considered very romantic to give a lady a bouquet of roses. Or else just one, for romantic guys that are also poor. Violets are not usually given to people. They are mainly just known for being blue, which is the color that rhymes with the most stuff. Poets and even some songwriters have stooped to mentioning the blueness of violets on quite a few occasions. "a rose is red, a violet is blue, the duck goes quack, and the cow says moo." See? Easy money.
Tulips are the only flower to have enjoyed a "mania." Tulip mania swept the Netherlands in the early part of the 17th century, and they have been a mainstay in that country ever since. No one is sure why they went so cuckoo over tulips, but it's important to remember that Dutch people are high a lot of the time and there was no television to look at back then. Ever stared at a windmill while on drugs? Don't do it at miniature golf, there's too many families around.
Some flowers that are also girl names:
- Daisy
- Lily
- Iris
- Rose
"Petunia" used to be another one but it has been discontinued. Chrysanthemum does not get used as a name because it is too hard to spell, even for boys.
The most hated flower is the dandelion. Except in vegetarian circles, they like to EAT them. It is the main issue that divides vegetarians and school groundskeepers that ride big lawn-mowing tractors. You can also harvest dandelions and use them to make WINE, but only if you know how.
Okay now I need to address a sensitive topic. It may be shocking to hear, but flowers are actually the reproductive organs of plants. Yep, THOSE reproductive organs. It is something that most people don't like to think about. a woman at a wedding doesn't want to hear "Oh I love those genitals in your hair!" I guess a lot of men would still like wearing the boutonniere. Pointing at it all like "Check THIS out." Broccoli is a flower too, btw. Think about THAT next time you're EATING IT.
Well, that's about all there is to know about flowers. Sorry this took a perverse turn towards the end but I think I was pretty tactful. If you have more questions about flowers and their organs you can try talking to your local botanist. It may even lead to something!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Canada
Canada is a place that everyone likes to pick on. It is a very large nation, but sparsely populated, due to most of it being wasteland. So to Americans, it's like sitting next to a real big not-that-clever kid in high school that you can harass a lot, and he doesn't fight back very well. He is too shy to get violent, and his typical comebacks are things like "I don't give a care" or "up yours."
Almost every nation has pride. If you talk to a person from Kuwait, he will tell you how great Kuwait is. "Man, there's nothing like summer in Kuwait. Enjoying the 115 degree heat in the peace and tranquility of the Persian Gulf. Also, we have some of the fastest camels in the WORLD." But Canadians have, like, really REALLY disproportionate pride. It is a complex they have developed from having to live right next to America. They are unwavering in their insistence that Canada is "better," but are unable to explain why. "It just is."
Canadian: You Americans are so dumb, you don't even know who our prime minister is.
American: Why would we care about that? We have the Superbowl.
Canadian: Big deal, we have the GREY CUP. and we're better at hockey, too.
American: Did you watch the Superbowl?
Canadian: Of course I did. It SUCKED.
American: But you still WATCHED it, right? Doesn't that mean you LIKE American sports?
Canadian: We make better BEER than you.
American: We still get to drink it, though. and we don't have to buy it at a special store, we can just buy it anywhere.
Canadian: You SHOULD have to buy it at a special store. That's a BETTER SYSTEM.
American: How is that better? It's expensive and inconvenient.
Canadian: It just is.
American: But for what REASON do you think it's better?
Canadian: ...
American: Well?
Canadian: You don't have HEALTH CARE.
Other things Canadians are proud of:
- Colorful money
- Speaking French
- Kilometers
- Having the better side of Niagara Falls (even though they don't get to LOOK at it)
- Martin Short
- Ketchup chips
- The national anthem
- Maple syrup
- DeGrassi High
- Bears
- Eskimos
- Being friendly
- Trees
Things Canadians are not proud of:
- Justin Bieber
- Quebec
Most of Canada is unfit for habitation. Therefore the vast majority of Canadians migrate to the "south," which is colder and icier than our north. Imagine that. "Enough of this weather. Ottawa here I come!" Don't forget your golf clubs.
Crime is not a much a problem in Canada. The nation is efficiently policed, and the law is strictly enforced. Officers of the law are highly revered and treated with the utmost respect.
(If you go to Canada, take this with you as a guide to help you spot any fake Mounties, especially around Halloween time.)
and finally, no comprehensive essay on Canada and its people would be complete without mentioning WAYNE GRETZKY. He is the most popular man in all of Canada. He could easily be prime minister if he FELT LIKE IT, but doesn't want to take the pay cut. Young Canadian boys (and some girls!) dream of growing up to be the next Wayne Gretzky. Yet somehow, he has not yet been knighted by the Queen. How come? Canadians fall under her jurisdiction, too. What, has he not done ENOUGH? Canadians should stop hating on America and focus more on the Queen being prejudiced. She hardly ever even visits.
That's about all there is to know about Canada, eh? Oh wait, one more thing!
The Prime Minister's name is Steve Harper. (There, happy?)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Hunt's ketchup is ghetto
Everybody knows that the best ketchup is Heinz. It is served in the finest restaurants, and is a staple in the homes of celebrities. They need ketchup, too. Open Pierce Brosnan or Shelly Long's refrigerator* and you will be DAMN sure to find a bottle of Heinz ketchup in there. What else are they gonna put on their meatloaf and tater tots?
(*Do not do this without permission.)
Why does Hunt's ketchup even exist? I understand that these are hard economic times. Maybe not EVERYBODY can afford to put Heinz ketchup on the table. But even so, when you go to the supermarket, you get three basic options.
Heinz Ketchup $1.59
Hunt's Ketchup $1.39
Generic Brand Ketchup $1.09
WHO IN HELL is passing on the generic ketchup in favor of Hunt's? "Well, I want a quality brand name product, but Heinz is just a little too steep." You're not buying a HOUSE or a CAR, it's a bottle of ketchup. Either spring for the Heinz or else SAVE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
To answer my own question, I will tell you why Hunt's ketchup exists. It's because the Hunt's company is in the business of growing and canning tomatoes. So since they have a lot of tomatoes AROUND, they figured "Well, we should just go ahead and whip up some ketchup!" Stupid idea, because even though their tomatoes are acceptable and tasty, nobody thinks of Hunt's as the leading canned tomato company. Everyone thinks of them as the crappy #2 ketchup company. Why would you allow your brand name to be known for making bad ketchup as opposed to quality tomatoes? I don't get it. It's like if Oscar Mayer decided "Well we already have a bunch of hoofs and snouts, let's try competing with Jell-O." Would you eat Oscar Mayer Brand Gelatin Dessert?
Imagine asking for ketchup at McDonalds and they hand you a bunch of Hunt's packets. You would ask to see the manager. Imagine being at a fancy hamburger party and the hostess sets out a big squeeze bottle of Hunt's. You'd be so embarrassed for her.
Out of respect to the Heinz corporation, and other fine manufacturers of gourmet ketchup, I have decided to introduce the term "ghetchup" to refer to all inferior brands of ketchup. I will use my influence within the youth community to spread this term around, and it will soon become popularized, beginning in high school cafeterias. Then it will make its way into every low or middle income home. Families using the Walmart brand ketchup will say "pass the ghetchup" at the dinner table.
Since Hunt's is just barely a notch above the no-name brands, they get to be referred to as "ghetchup elite." If they are smart about it, they will even use it in their marketing. "The World's Best-Tasting Ghetchup!" They can't say that about REAL ketchup or Heinz would sue.
Heinz could use it in their marketing too.
"Shelly Long ain't use no ghetchup, she dips her fish sticks in HEINZ ketchup!"
(*Do not do this without permission.)
Why does Hunt's ketchup even exist? I understand that these are hard economic times. Maybe not EVERYBODY can afford to put Heinz ketchup on the table. But even so, when you go to the supermarket, you get three basic options.
Heinz Ketchup $1.59
Hunt's Ketchup $1.39
Generic Brand Ketchup $1.09
WHO IN HELL is passing on the generic ketchup in favor of Hunt's? "Well, I want a quality brand name product, but Heinz is just a little too steep." You're not buying a HOUSE or a CAR, it's a bottle of ketchup. Either spring for the Heinz or else SAVE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
To answer my own question, I will tell you why Hunt's ketchup exists. It's because the Hunt's company is in the business of growing and canning tomatoes. So since they have a lot of tomatoes AROUND, they figured "Well, we should just go ahead and whip up some ketchup!" Stupid idea, because even though their tomatoes are acceptable and tasty, nobody thinks of Hunt's as the leading canned tomato company. Everyone thinks of them as the crappy #2 ketchup company. Why would you allow your brand name to be known for making bad ketchup as opposed to quality tomatoes? I don't get it. It's like if Oscar Mayer decided "Well we already have a bunch of hoofs and snouts, let's try competing with Jell-O." Would you eat Oscar Mayer Brand Gelatin Dessert?
Imagine asking for ketchup at McDonalds and they hand you a bunch of Hunt's packets. You would ask to see the manager. Imagine being at a fancy hamburger party and the hostess sets out a big squeeze bottle of Hunt's. You'd be so embarrassed for her.
Out of respect to the Heinz corporation, and other fine manufacturers of gourmet ketchup, I have decided to introduce the term "ghetchup" to refer to all inferior brands of ketchup. I will use my influence within the youth community to spread this term around, and it will soon become popularized, beginning in high school cafeterias. Then it will make its way into every low or middle income home. Families using the Walmart brand ketchup will say "pass the ghetchup" at the dinner table.
Since Hunt's is just barely a notch above the no-name brands, they get to be referred to as "ghetchup elite." If they are smart about it, they will even use it in their marketing. "The World's Best-Tasting Ghetchup!" They can't say that about REAL ketchup or Heinz would sue.
Heinz could use it in their marketing too.
"Shelly Long ain't use no ghetchup, she dips her fish sticks in HEINZ ketchup!"
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