Okay it is time to delve into a tapestry of estrogen so rich that it could only have been woven by 80s network television.
As covered last week, the Facts of Life was retooled after one disappointing season. They added tough girl Jo to the cast, and she quickly became a bad influence on the others, pressuring them to break rules and participate in criminal mischief. Swift discipline became necessary. VERY necessary.
It was decided that the four hooligans would HAVE to live together, sequestered from the other girls on campus. Mrs. Garrett, who had recently been promoted to school dietician (yes), was assigned to live with and look after them. Because when you are dealing with troubled teens in need of guidance, you always turn to the school dietician. I don't even think my school HAD a dietician. No wonder I turned out the way I did. I lived on chocolate milk and ravioli and no one was there to intervene.
But these girls were more fortunate, they had Mrs. G watching their backs. and good thing they did! When they weren't out looking for trouble, trouble was out there looking for them. The following are actual episode descriptions from the early years:
#24. Sex Symbol (February 4th, 1981 - #211)
After Natalie's first real date with a boy from neighboring Bates Academy, she receives a barrage of offers from his schoolmates who have heard she has quite a reputation.
Directed by John Bowab
#47. Runaway (February 24th, 1982 - #317)
Determined to prove her maturity, Tootie goes off to New York City unescorted to meet with friends at a theater. A teenage prostitute teaches her a harsh reality.
Directed by Asaad Kelada
#75. Best Sister (Part 2) (February 23rd, 1983 - #419)
When Jo decides that she wants to become a nun along with Blair's sister, Blair sees herself as the only one who can talk them out of it.
Directed by Asaad Kelada
(February is sweeps month.)
Thanks to the age and wisdom of Mrs. Garrett, the girls are able to survive these and many of the other challenges that a typical teen faces. What insecure adolescent HASN'T been consumed with jealously when her retarded stand-up comedienne cousin arrives at her boarding school to show her up? Because of their diligence in dealing with such matters the RIGHT way, the girls are eventually forgiven for their past crimes and awarded a trip to Paris.
See how gypped you are in life if you never had a school dietician? Not only do they save you from being forced into teen prostitution but they also take you on trips all over the world.
Season 5 begins with some major changes taking place. Most notably, Mrs. Garrett has become FED UP with being the damn school dietician and QUITS her JOB to open a bake shop. Blair and Jo have graduated high school and moved on to their freshman year of college. "Moved on" meaning that they both decide to attend the college that's closest in proximity to their high school, and still both want to live with Mrs. Garrett. Ahh, college life. Oh, Tootie and Natalie, who are younger and still high school students, move in with them too. These girls just couldn't get enough of each other!
(Cue Fonzie giving a "thumbs up" as he revs his motorcycle.)
Season 7 was a big one. After 2 years of operation, the bake shop burns down. Should have seen THAT coming. Tootie and Natalie have finished high school by now, so Mrs. Garrett and ALL of the girls decide to POOL their money and open a trendy clothing and gift shop. Because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO RIGHT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL AND/OR WHILE IN COLLEGE. Bill Cosby should have made a special cameo appearance and SMACKED these children. and, btw, they all still live together.
(Fonzie's stunt has now long been completed and he has gone home to watch something else, along with the rest of America.)
On to Season 8. May God have mercy on us.
SOMEONE from the group finally decides she wants out of this living and business arrangement. and, you guessed it, it's the old lady. She wants out so badly that she actually moves to Africa. AFRICA. But since these four young ladies (okay not quite SO young at this point) really NEED an old woman in their lives, and home, a substitute is brought in.
Other characters added to the line-up included neighbor GEORGE CLOONEY (pre-fame), an annoying wise-cracking BOY, and Pippa the incorrigible teenage Australian lass.
(Fonzie is now a grizzled adult selling "I SAW THE JUMP" t-shirts at comic book conventions.)
Season 9 would see the Facts of Life finally come to an end. But they would go out with a BANG, not a whimper. (Literally.)
In episode #201 out of a total of 209 episodes, Fatalie becomes the first of the girls to lose her virginity.
(Okay, maybe a LITTLE whimpering.)
If my math is correct, and I think it IS, Blair and Jo would be about 23 at this point. Tootie is a few years younger, but has had a steady boyfriend (some poor soul named Jeff) for at least 4 years. I guess NBC didn't want the girls to be bad role models but GEEZ. Even Pippa had probably "taken the good" AND "taken the bad" by episode TWO-HUNDRED-AND-ONE.
Post-series, there was at least one 13-year "reunion" special. I have not seen it, but would like to, because a reunion implies that at SOME point they all actually stopped living together, and I need to know exactly how that happened. Also maybe Jo jumps over something on HER motorcycle in it. Like a car in which middle-aged Blair is finally getting laid. She could drop contraceptives attached to a little parachute.
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