Naked Muppets: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted January 30, 2008)

Jim Henson's Muppet Show is very popular but there are some important problems with that thing that I got to talk about.

It seems that while most of the Muppets wear pants and other clothes, a select group of major characters choose to walk around naked.  The top offenders are Kermit the Frog, Fozzie Bear, Rowlf the Dog, and Sam the Eagle.  No one knows for sure why this is the case, it is a secret that Jim Henson took to the grave.

My guess is that the reason for the permitted pantslessness is that those specific characters are "animals," whereas the majority of the Muppets are remotely human, and it would be weird and uncomfortable for the Swedish Chef or Dr. Bunsen Honeydew or the guy that reads the Muppet News Flash to appear on the show without any clothes on.  The obvious exception to the rule is Miss Piggy, who is of course a pig (hence the name).  It's probably a lot trickier to craft a female pig puppet's anatomy than it is to hide a simple frog or bear penis, so I can understand why this exception was made.

Basically what I want to know is why the top Muppet stars are animals and most of the rest aren't.  Did they build the first few puppets and then just run out of ideas?  I have some that I think would be good:

- a goat that is a sleazy lounge singer

- a mole that passes out scripts and costumes (he would always mess up because of his poor eyesight)

- a parrot that is also a mime


If anyone from the Jim Henson company reads this and wants to use my ideas then okay but it will cost you a LOT.  I can be flexible about the pants thing if you are really sticklers about it.


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Eddie Van Halen plays the guitar on "Beat It"

When Michael Jackson recorded his monster 1982 album "Thriller," no expense was spared in the studio.  This included bringing in the greatest living guitar player in the world to contribute his one-of-a-kind talent.  What happened when Eddie Van Halen and Michael Jackson met?  What did they have in common?  What was the conversation like?  Since there's no actual transcript available, I decided to make one up.

EVH: Hello Michael Jackson.

MJ: Hello David Lee Roth.

EVH: I'm Eddie, actually.

MJ: Oops.  Tee hee.

They shake hands.

EVH: Nice glove.

MJ: Thank you.  Would you like something to drink?

EVH: You read my mind.

MJ: Okay we have Kool-Aid and Capri Sun and Nestle Quik and Pepsi.

EVH: I was thinking more like a teacup full of whiskey and an entire bottle of champagne to chase it with.

MJ: Hmmm.  I think there's some unopened gift baskets in the trunk of the limo.  Maybe in there.

EVH: So when you're not in the studio, what do you like to do for fun?

MJ: I go to a lot of parties.

EVH: Oh, me too.  Partying is the best. 

MJ: Do you like llama rides?

EVH: ...what?

MJ: I like there to be llama rides and pony rides and clowns when I party.

EVH: Really?  I like lots of naked girls and booze and sex and noise.

MJ: Balloons are good, too.

EVH: Like for snorting?

MJ: Anyway, I wrote this song "Beat It" that I'd like you to play on.  It's a special song that comes from my heart.

EVH: Oh...so is that what's up with the glove?

MJ: No, it's a song about being tough and not scared.  It comes from my heart.

EVH: Don't you have like 50 bodyguards?

MJ: Exactly.  Where does YOUR music come from?  When you write?

EVH: I'm influenced by a lot of different composers, actually.  Mozart, Bach, Beethoven...

MJ: Oh.  Mine comes from my heart.  and I have a bear that talks to me.

EVH: You have...a talking bear?

MJ: a TEDDY bear, silly.  Not a real one.  That would be scary.

EVH: So if a scary bear approaches you, you just "Beat It?"  Is that it?

MJ: Exactly.  Now let's hurry up and record this thing.  If we do a good job maybe Quincy will take us out to lunch!

EVH: I'll do a good job.

MJ: Cha'mone.

EVH: What?

MJ: J'amon.

EVH: WHAT?


...aaand everything turned out great.  The song was a #1 hit that is still beloved by fans worldwide, and Eddie Van Halen's contribution is regarded as integral to its immense success.  and he didn't even get paid, he let Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones keep all the money, which was classy.  Michael Jackson responded by ripping off Paul McCartney.  But that's okay, everybody had fun.

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Why does the Queen keep knighting rock stars: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted January 24, 2008)

Doesn't that seem like something that would happen in a family comedy?  Like one of those movies where a little kid somehow becomes President?  "I want ELMO as my SECRETARY of STATE!"  "Whaaaa???"

Does the Queen just really dig music or something?  If you visit the palace are you allowed to see the Royal CD Collection?  I bet they have a wicked 5-disc carousel.

Are royal knights ever called into duty?  What if England gets invaded again?  Paul McCartney should have to fight.  I think that to get knighted you should have to at least put on the suit of armor and pose for pictures.  Maybe even participate in a good-natured duel or joust.  (No Elton John jokes, please.)

Fun fact: Queen Elizabeth is also recognized as the Queen of JAMAICA.  QUEEN OF HIPPIES!

Incomplete list of things the Queen is older than:

- E-mail
- Video games
- Lasers
- Digital clocks
- Velcro
- Nuclear reactors
- White out
- Microwave ovens
- Helicopters
- ATMs
- Ballpoint pens
- Fiberglass
- Penicillin
- Sliced bread (seriously, by two years)


Finally I must sadly report that according to my sources the Queen is in very poor health.  I'm not good with math but I think she is like 80.  Anyway when she dies I think it would be a good time to stop making people Queen automatically and start having ELECTIONS.  That is proper democracy.  Oprah Winfrey would probably make a good Queen if given a chance.  Maybe they would be jerk snobbies and only let British people compete in the election but I hope not.  It even sounds good, "Queen Oprah."

If you don't like that idea you are just no fun.

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Burger King is going out of business

There's been no announcement or anything but things seem headed that way.  In their latest act of desperation, they have replaced their chicken tenders with "chicken NUGGETS."  Seriously?  After 30 years you basically admit that since your own ideas always suck you have to resort to straight-up copying Mickey D's?

Years ago, McDonalds introduced the Happy Meal.  So then all of a sudden Burger King had a "Kid's Meal."  For awhile they offered a fake Big Mac called the "Big King" but it was discontinued for being disgusting.  Cheapskates everywhere were delighted by the McDonalds Dollar Menu, so of course Burger King rolls out the "B.K. Value Menu."  What, no imposter McRib?  They probably just haven't figured out how to make one yet, no one knows what's in it.

Conversely, ever notice that McDonalds just doesn't give a shit what Burger King does?  There's no "Onion McRingers."  Burger King flame-broils their burgers, which makes them tastier, but nobody cares.  They go to McDonalds anyway.  They like the Golden Arches and the Happy Meal toys and Mayor McCheese.  Burger King promises to do anything the customer wants, the "Have It Your Way" policy, but it's no use.  They have recently even fallen behind WENDY'S and are now the #3 burger chain.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

DO YOU REALLY NEED ME TO TELL YOU WHY, BURGER KING?

It is because in America, PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE KINGS AND CROWNS.

This is a DEMOCRACY and people are PROUD of that.  Especially these days, with Obama and everything.

See, Dairy Queen is CALLED "Dairy Queen," but they don't try to regal-up anything on their menu or in their marketing.  They either use Dennis the Menace or nothing.

and now since you cannot make good decisions for YOURSELF I will also tell you how to turn your company around.  It's very simple.

Get rid of the bun.

People like shapes.  Wendy's is popular because of the square meat.  Almost everything at McDonalds is round.  You need to give your menu its own geometric identity.  The triangle.

Triangles are popular, especially within the ever-growing gay and lesbian community.  So instead of the round bun, use thick slices of square toast and cut your burgers in half diagonally.  Like people do with grilled cheese and such.  Then you've got two delicious triangles, which everyone knows is the tastiest way to eat sandwiches.  You can still offer stuff like the "Whopper Classic," but the triangle will be your company's new overall menu gimmick.  and instead of kings and crowns, market yourselves with HUMILITY.  People like Ronald McDonald because clowns are broke and they like Dave Thomas because he is non-threatening plus is also now dead.

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Where is Ronald McDonald: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted January 16, 2008)

I haven't seen him in any commercials lately.  I guess maybe he is trying to lay low until this whole trans fat thing blows over.  McDonalds has been getting in big trouble ever since scientists found out that cheeseburgers make children fat.

Ronald was quite the cultural icon for awhile there, but then he just disappeared.  The only guy you see now is the King from the Burger King commercials.  It reminds me of the 80s when Michael Jackson got all popular with "Thriller" but then his hair caught on fire and he had to take a sabbatical.  He disappeared from the music scene and was replaced by PRINCE.

It is a pretty good analogy I think.  Ronald is like Michael, a pale weirdo with a high voice that wears make-up and hangs around with exotic animals and children.  Prince, no dang old pun intended, is like the King, a quiet, snappy dresser that loves the ladies and likes to dance.  Michael Jackson, of course, soon resurfaced with a whole new look and "Bad" attitude, so I hope that means the return of Ronald McDonald is not far off.

Like Michael, though, he may be due for a character overhaul.  I have been drawing some sketches of Ronald as a sort of futuristic cowboy and I think it is something that McDonalds could really run with.  If you didn't already know him as a clown, wouldn't you think the name "Ronald McDonald" was kind of cowboyish-sounding?  If not, try saying it with a Texas drawl.

In the commercials, the cowboy Ronald McDonald would ride a white horse named Archie (named after the Golden Arches) and he would herd cows into a magic meat grinder that would produce perfect hamburgers every time.  and since nobody likes a wimpy cowboy, there would be another commercial in which the Hamburglar tries to rob a stagecoach full of Big Macs.  That commercial would end with the Hamburglar getting shot (by Ronald).


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Yodeling

It is important to communicate.  Deaf people and marriage counselors and other people like that are always stressing it.  But I do feel the need to question the effectiveness of YODELING.

Who in hell yodels?  and why?  It can be kind of good in recorded music if it's the right person.  I do not THINK anyone would like an album of Billy Joel yodeling but then again he recorded that doo wop album in '83 and it was hugely successful, so what do I know?

What I'm mainly asking is why people feel the need to YODEL while climbing a mountain and such.  Just because it sounds cool?  The echo?  Wouldn't you rather shout out obscenities at the top of your lungs?  There's no better time.

"I F***ING HATE MY C***S*** BOSS!"


Yodeling is like the complete opposite of rap music.  You fluctuate your voice as much as possible but instead of words, you just spout a bunch of nonsense.

"O DE LAY DE HOO MA MA MIA HEY HO DE LAAAAAAAAAA..."

SHUT-UP!!!

DON'T YODEL.

Conversely, rap music is a lot of sensible words that are mainly SPOKEN and set to an enjoyable beat.  That's way better for climbing a mountain if you ask me.


1...2...3...

I'm gettin high in two ways
My eyes are gettin glazed
I been climbin this rock for several days

It's cold as shit
The wind just hit
I'm gonna dominate this sucka like Barack did to Mitt

This granola bar sucks
It's all I got, aw shucks
For a pepperoni pizza I'd pay 50 bucks

Fuck you mountain goat
Write a suicide note
When you're dead in the lake the goat won't float

Almost to the top
The wind won't stop
When I reach the peak my ears are gonna pop

That's all I got so far.

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Did you go to the gym today: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted January 9, 2008)

Okay all you smokers and fatties, I know that 99% of you have probably already broken your New Year’s resolutions but honestly who did you think you were kidding?  Everybody knew there was no way you were gonna get up and go to the gym every morning, and that you would much rather stay in bed and eat pie.  and I bet January 1st is a favorite day of the tobacco industry.  Everybody throws their cigarettes in the garbage at 12:01 and by 9am they are running out to buy more.

I’m all for making yourself a better person, but you have to pick something within reason.  Vowing to give up cigarettes and junk food is just setting yourself up for a colossal failure.  Achieving a smaller, more attainable goal would be much better for your SELF-ESTEEM.


Some better New Year’s resolution ideas:

1) Refraining from vandalism

Most people don’t feel the need to commit vandalism too often, so it shouldn’t be out of the question just to quit cold turkey.  You might feel the occasional temptation, such as when you feel like drawing a mustache on George Washington on a $1 bill (it is a crime to vandalize LEGAL CURRENCY), but through self-introspection and prayer I am sure you will come to decide that it’s just not worth it.  You know you’re better than that.

2) Being patient while roasting marshmallows

This one is a little tougher because it requires a bit of discipline.  a marshmallow will be perfectly melted on the inside and golden-brown on the outside if you keep it the right distance from the flame and just wait.  Everybody wants to jab it right in the fire though so they can just eat it quickly.  They don’t want to wait, they eat it all smokey and black.  That makes for improper smores.

3) Stop giving people the finger

Whether it’s in the car or while out at the supermarkets and malls, everybody seems to be giving everybody else the finger.  I know it’s hard to resist, there are so many jerk people around.  I bet even Gandhi felt like giving people the finger sometimes, especially when they laid that salt tax on him, but it’s just not an okay thing to do.  Like Gandhi we must be strong.  Try to abstain for a week, and if you make it, go for another week!  Baby steps are sometimes the key.


These ideas are just off the top of my head, there might be a better resolution for you personally.  If vandalism is your favorite hobby, you hate marshmallows, and you have no arms I would suggest picking something else.  Just remember to KEEP IT REAL.  (I learned that expression on the STREET.)

Don’t buy a Bow-Flex, you are probably too out of shape to even put it together.  Being kinder to animals makes a nice resolution, as does avoiding smog.


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The BIG LIST of observations (Volume 1)

Probably one of the toughest jobs in the world is the arson inspector.  People dread going into work on Monday mornings knowing there's a big pile of work waiting for them.  Imagine showing up to the blackened shell of a house and a big pile of smoking debris.  Where would you even begin?  They probably expect you to dive in right away, too.  No 45 minutes of surfing the internet for the arson inspector.  So next time you see the arson inspector, don't give him a hard time.

My backyard is really muddy.  The hose got all dirty so I washed it.  It was a little bit ironic, like paying for a wallet.

Foods that come in a "chunky" variety (salsa, pasta sauce, blue cheese dressing, etc.) should always be labelled "EXTRA chunky."  People that like chunky foods are fairly passionate about it.  No one is going to be all dissuaded like, "Man, I only wanted a little bit of chunk."  Plus the regular versions are usually fairly chunky to begin with.  I guess peanut butter is the exception, but fuck peanut butter.

You heard me.

I don't keep any of my medicine in the medicine cabinet.  Instead I put little snacks and treats in there for anyone who peeks inside.  No one has ever taken anything, though.

The thing I envy most about the Waltons?  They have a MOUNTAIN named after them!

There really is no margin for error when spreading Miracle Whip on toast.  Too many crumbs to put the knife back in the jar, and once the knife is clean it's best to just leave it that way.  Always some pressure there.  You've got to get it right in one take.

Is horse racing a gender-mixed sport or what?  I know that most famous champion horses are male, but I also see a lot of horses with names that include "girl" and "princess" and stuff.  They never seem to announce whether it's a boy horse race or a girl horse race.  You have to be fairly eccentric to own a race horse in the first place, I guess, so maybe they just give their male horse a girly name because they think he's "pretty."  It's like those mentally ill people that knit clothes for their dogs.  Imagine what they would do if they had more money and could afford to buy bigger animals.  Somewhere a wealthy man is in a dark barn trying to figure out how to get a horse to step into a big nightgown.

Mosquito bites make me feel kind of violated.  The mosquito has his fun, leaves, and you never hear from him again.  If I ever capture one in the act I am gonna keep him in a jar and force a commitment out of him.

I am thinking of turning all my socks into sock puppets.  That way, I can still wear them, but they will also have a bonus function.

How come cereal is the only food that comes with a prize?  Why can't I get a free whistle in my Fettuccine Alfredo at a restaurant?

Okay I guess Cracker Jacks come with prizes too.  Imagine a Cracker Jack cereal.  The prizes would probably be amazing.  "Wow, fifty bucks!"

Worst place to bounce a superball really hard?  The beach.

They should let people groom themselves before taking a mugshot.  Not doing so = cruel and unusual punishment.

One thing I need to get going is carrying a compass around.  Imagine being out with somebody, like at a mall or county fair, and you are leading them somewhere but then you act all lost and confused for a minute.  Whip out that compass and act like you've suddenly figured it out.  They would think you were Magellan-level hardcore.

It must be difficult to be a new Pope.  I hope there's no hazing involved unless maybe it's just the good-natured kind, like the Pope having to get coffee and donuts for everybody once in a while.

I think a good job would be running an acting workshop.  I don't know how to act but I would like to be the person that tells everybody what to do.  "Imagine you are a salesman trying to get a proctologist to invest in a certain brand of flashlight.  Okay good, now pretend to be a leopard."

From now on I'm going to take a laser pen everywhere it doesn't specifically say not to.  I will ruin it for everybody.  I won't rest until they have to ban laser pens at the botanical gardens and bingo.

I don't like it when my car tries to pressure me into wearing a seat belt.  If you're two seconds late that light comes on and the car starts dinging at you all like, "a-HEM."  I wasn't planning on driving without the seat belt, but the car doesn't know that.  It's like your dad giving you a condom, what can you say?

Conversely, I appreciate it when the microwave says nice things to me.  "E N J O Y  Y O U R  M E A L  !"

***IRONY ALERT***

I was walking barefoot in the dark and I stubbed my toe on one of my steel-toed boots.  That qualifies.  True irony is so rare, like a perfect rainbow.

Why are people from the military always in the audience at the Price Is Right?  "Okay boys we've got three days of shore leave.  Who's ready to get nuts?  and I'm talking PRICE IS FUCKING RIGHT style nuts!"

Everyone cheers...

I don't really have a problem with airline food, but I don't like eating that close to a stranger.  Also sideways next to one.  They should at least make it so that every other row of seats can rotate for mealtime and you can all sit like you're at a big table together.  and give you a basket of bread to pass around too.


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