The BIG LIST of observations (Volume 1)

Probably one of the toughest jobs in the world is the arson inspector.  People dread going into work on Monday mornings knowing there's a big pile of work waiting for them.  Imagine showing up to the blackened shell of a house and a big pile of smoking debris.  Where would you even begin?  They probably expect you to dive in right away, too.  No 45 minutes of surfing the internet for the arson inspector.  So next time you see the arson inspector, don't give him a hard time.

My backyard is really muddy.  The hose got all dirty so I washed it.  It was a little bit ironic, like paying for a wallet.

Foods that come in a "chunky" variety (salsa, pasta sauce, blue cheese dressing, etc.) should always be labelled "EXTRA chunky."  People that like chunky foods are fairly passionate about it.  No one is going to be all dissuaded like, "Man, I only wanted a little bit of chunk."  Plus the regular versions are usually fairly chunky to begin with.  I guess peanut butter is the exception, but fuck peanut butter.

You heard me.

I don't keep any of my medicine in the medicine cabinet.  Instead I put little snacks and treats in there for anyone who peeks inside.  No one has ever taken anything, though.

The thing I envy most about the Waltons?  They have a MOUNTAIN named after them!

There really is no margin for error when spreading Miracle Whip on toast.  Too many crumbs to put the knife back in the jar, and once the knife is clean it's best to just leave it that way.  Always some pressure there.  You've got to get it right in one take.

Is horse racing a gender-mixed sport or what?  I know that most famous champion horses are male, but I also see a lot of horses with names that include "girl" and "princess" and stuff.  They never seem to announce whether it's a boy horse race or a girl horse race.  You have to be fairly eccentric to own a race horse in the first place, I guess, so maybe they just give their male horse a girly name because they think he's "pretty."  It's like those mentally ill people that knit clothes for their dogs.  Imagine what they would do if they had more money and could afford to buy bigger animals.  Somewhere a wealthy man is in a dark barn trying to figure out how to get a horse to step into a big nightgown.

Mosquito bites make me feel kind of violated.  The mosquito has his fun, leaves, and you never hear from him again.  If I ever capture one in the act I am gonna keep him in a jar and force a commitment out of him.

I am thinking of turning all my socks into sock puppets.  That way, I can still wear them, but they will also have a bonus function.

How come cereal is the only food that comes with a prize?  Why can't I get a free whistle in my Fettuccine Alfredo at a restaurant?

Okay I guess Cracker Jacks come with prizes too.  Imagine a Cracker Jack cereal.  The prizes would probably be amazing.  "Wow, fifty bucks!"

Worst place to bounce a superball really hard?  The beach.

They should let people groom themselves before taking a mugshot.  Not doing so = cruel and unusual punishment.

One thing I need to get going is carrying a compass around.  Imagine being out with somebody, like at a mall or county fair, and you are leading them somewhere but then you act all lost and confused for a minute.  Whip out that compass and act like you've suddenly figured it out.  They would think you were Magellan-level hardcore.

It must be difficult to be a new Pope.  I hope there's no hazing involved unless maybe it's just the good-natured kind, like the Pope having to get coffee and donuts for everybody once in a while.

I think a good job would be running an acting workshop.  I don't know how to act but I would like to be the person that tells everybody what to do.  "Imagine you are a salesman trying to get a proctologist to invest in a certain brand of flashlight.  Okay good, now pretend to be a leopard."

From now on I'm going to take a laser pen everywhere it doesn't specifically say not to.  I will ruin it for everybody.  I won't rest until they have to ban laser pens at the botanical gardens and bingo.

I don't like it when my car tries to pressure me into wearing a seat belt.  If you're two seconds late that light comes on and the car starts dinging at you all like, "a-HEM."  I wasn't planning on driving without the seat belt, but the car doesn't know that.  It's like your dad giving you a condom, what can you say?

Conversely, I appreciate it when the microwave says nice things to me.  "E N J O Y  Y O U R  M E A L  !"

***IRONY ALERT***

I was walking barefoot in the dark and I stubbed my toe on one of my steel-toed boots.  That qualifies.  True irony is so rare, like a perfect rainbow.

Why are people from the military always in the audience at the Price Is Right?  "Okay boys we've got three days of shore leave.  Who's ready to get nuts?  and I'm talking PRICE IS FUCKING RIGHT style nuts!"

Everyone cheers...

I don't really have a problem with airline food, but I don't like eating that close to a stranger.  Also sideways next to one.  They should at least make it so that every other row of seats can rotate for mealtime and you can all sit like you're at a big table together.  and give you a basket of bread to pass around too.


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