Parents Just Don't Understand

He was completely correct.  They DON'T.

The best example was MTV.  If you're too young to be able to remember MTV it was exactly like the Beatles, except different.  Parents everywhere became very confused and did not know what to DO.


They would try to set all these nonsensical rules.

"Okay you CAN watch MTV but only for one hour per day."

"What?  WHY?  Is it still okay to watch other TV?"

"Yes.  When that hour is up you have to change the channel to Laverne and Shirley re-runs or something else."

"FOR WHAT REASON?"

"I don't know, Laverne and Shirley is more wholesome, slightly."


The same thing would happen with Atari.  Every kid was so excited about Atari and parents didn't know what to do about it.

"DO YOUR HOMEWORK INSTEAD!"

"It's done.  Now I want to play Kaboom."

"Well....DON'T YOU DARE ENJOY IT."


When Nintendo got invented they used to give you this fake gun that you could use to shoot ducks on a TV screen.  My mother would flip out if my brothers and sisters and I pointed the fake Nintendo gun at each other's heads.

"I DON'T WANT THOSE LASER BEAMS GOING THROUGH THE HEAD!"

and that was how we lived.  That and drinking a lot of Kool-Aid.

It's all true.

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Ginger Ale does not cure stomach-aches

It's pop, not medicine.

They should make a carbonated version of Pepto-Bismol.  Everyone would love it, they'd be chugging it constantly.  Not like now where they just do shots of it.

"Pepto: The SODA Version."  If I ever somehow become employable maybe I could get a job in marketing.


The problem with stomach-relief products is that they are not exciting enough.  We need to have things like "Tums" brand energy drinks and Rolaids Brand Ecto-Cooler.

Has Pepto-Bismol ever had a SPOKESPERSON?  Imagine Mr. T pitching it.

"USE this, FOOL."

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It's Just Lunch! (dot com)

In case you SOMEHOW haven't heard of it there is this online dating service called "It's Just Lunch!" that is meant to be the very most casual online dating hook-up site in the world.

"No pressure!" is the idea.  It's JUST lunch, right?  So imagine if you got stood up anyway.  You would feel like such crap.


As a happily married man, I have no reason to seek out connections with women that might want to have bad affairs and things.  But what about just EATING?  My wife refuses to go to chain restaurants, whereas I have an uncommon passion for them.  It would be nice to be able to go to Applebee's and not have to eat alone, for once.

There should be a social networking site that sets you up with people that are like-minded and will eat at crappy restaurants with you.  No Christian Mingle type sex or anything, you just have drinks and eat food.  Then you go your separate ways until the next time.  It doesn't even have to be a girl, it could just be some random background-checked hungry dude.  "Oh man, want to eat those cheeseburger sliders AGAIN?"  "YEAH MAN, MEET YOU AT 11:30, SHARP!"


Also there could be "clubs."  Everybody wants to eat the Olive Garden soup, salad, and breadsticks deal, but nobody wants to do it alone.  So form a CLUB for that, I say.  Like happens with a softball team.  Nine idiots that didn't know each other TOO well beforehand agree to start eating the same thing once per week at a big round table.  Tenth person can't, no room on the roster.


This is what Dr. Neil Clark Warren looks like after spilling food all over himself on a first date.

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How come there are Easter "costumes?"

I'm not real MAD about it or anything but over the weekend I saw people dressed up as shepherds and lambs and bunnies and Jesus and fish.

Why do you ever have to put an outfit on that isn't regular clothes?  I can understand human beings, especially the female kind, trying real hard to decide what to wear outside the home.  But how come girls are always looking backwards over their shoulders in the mirror all like "does my butt look look too big or too SMALL in this outfit?"  You can't win, man.  ("lady")


Do people that dress up as shepherds look in mirror and wonder if they look too fat?  No. There's no fat shepherds.  They would get accused of eating all the animals.  Even if it was not true that would be so difficult to prove.  The fat shepherd could just blame wolves.  Wolves always do bad stuff anyway.

How do shepherds "groom?"  That's a weird skill for them to be expected to appreciate.  They watch the sheep for days and days, and then just say "IT'S TIME" and chop the wool off all at once.  Then the sheep says "BAA!" in a complaining fashion and goes on living, like when a little kid is FORCED to get a haircut because they don't know better, yet.


They just don't know.

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Storks and dragons

Storks are a weird animal.  They seem made-up, especially because of the baby thing.


Unlike dinosaurs, dragons have been sort-of confirmed to be fake.  Why?  Just too impossible?  Dinosaurs seem fairly impossible too.  Ever seen one at a museum?  Imagine that thing walking around.  Pretty difficult to picture, same as with a dragon.


Since nobody knows exactly how dinosaurs died, I choose to believe a dragon did it.  I'm PROBABLY wrong, but since no one knows for certain, it's the most fun guess.

Dragon: Hey Brontosaurus, I'm better than you.

Brontosaurus: What?  WHY?

Dragon: Because I can breathe FIRE and you cannot.

Brontosaurus: I can do other things, though.

Dragon: Yeah like eat a dick.

Brontosaurus: Fuck you I only eat PLANTS.

Dragon: In that case...DIE!

(***and then the dragon in question would murder the brontosaurus by breathing fire all over him.)


So that is my THEORY as to how dinosaurs got wiped out, but it probably isn't true.  Same as with storks.

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Why do butlers kill people?

I'm sure it's not the MOST rewarding profession but it also does not seem like one that would ignite postal worker type rage.

WHY is it always "the butler did it?"  Not in my personal life (I don't have a butler yet) but in books and plays and other things I don't read.

If you DID have a butler wouldn't you be kind of suspicious all the time?

"That guy could do ANYTHING!"

In case you somehow need to hook up with a butler I think there should be a Christian Mingle type website for doing so.  You wouldn't have to actually be a Christian, same as regular Christian Mingle.  But you would be able to meet up with a BUTLER and get a sense of him, try to figure out if it's a guy that might eventually murder you after many years of plotting.

Imagine a butler on trial for murder.

"I didn't do it!"

"Yeah right."

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Table manners

"No elbows on the table" is the stupidest rule ever.  What if you have an amputated hand but still need to rest the elbow part of your arm on the table anyway?  Does someone yell?  "GET THAT OFF!"

When setting places for fine dining, all the knives and napkins and forks and spoons are supposed to be in certain areas.  and there's a specific fork you pick up for salad, it's called a salad fork.  What the hell goes on if someone serves Campbell's "Chunky" brand soup?  They never officially settled that fork or spoon debate.  What if you pick up the wrong implement and the person across the table from you gets mad?  Knives and forks are RIGHT THERE.  Those can be weapons, man.  and even if you are a STAUNCH spoon enthusiast a spoon can still hurt if you whip it at somebody's head really hard.

There is this very special, polite, delicate way that people are supposed to eat artichokes.  Most people can't relate because they never get served that.  Think of an Outback Steakhouse "Bloomin Onion" though.  It's similar.

All manners go out the window when you eat pizza.  Everybody just grabs and proceeds to do the craziest shit ever.  I've even seen people eat it BACKWARDS.

Is there ever a breach of etiquette when it comes to eating Sloppy Joes?

"That wasn't sloppy enough.  Nothing fell."


Possibly the most revered table tradition is a very young toddler spitting all over a birthday cake in an attempt to blow out candles.  Then afterwards it's "Which piece do YOU want?"

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Myspace Top 8!

Most people, if they are not Amish or otherwise kidding themselves, have a Facebook page by now.  But before Facebook, there was a temporary thing called Myspace.  If you never had a Myspace account and do not understand what it was, it was this primitive version of Facebook where you would still get tons of Farmville invites, but they were just from people that were horny and retarded and also you did not know them.  At the TIME, somewhat understandably, everybody thought it was great. 

Then Facebook took over by DEMANDING to be taken seriously, and Myspace quickly went down the tubes.

Forever.

The main controversy in Myspace times was this thing called the "Top 8."  You were supposed to exactly select your 8 favorite people in life.  As hard as it might be to believe, there were many schoolyard scraps and ended marriages over this.

Girl: What is that BITCH doing in your TOP 8?!?!

Guy: I don't know, she's just a nice person.  Look I put Weird Al in my Top 8 too.

Girl: Fuck you AND Weird Al.  We're done.

Refusing to give in, Myspace still technically exists.  Who works there?  Are they HIRING?  Imagine what a job interview with the Myspace guy would be like.

First obvious question:

"So are you on Facebook?  Yes?  Okay, you're hired."

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Grandma and Grandpa ONLY

Like most people, I have grandparents.  We call them "grandma" and "grandpa."

We call them that because that is who they are.  Yet all the time I hear these other people/parents (BOTH) saying "We gotta go visit Grampy and Nunu and Gogo and Yahoo and Bip Bip and Dong Bong."

STOP IT ALREADY.

Just say "grandma" and "grandpa."  It's a better system!  You can use "grandma" for more than one person, kids can tell people apart.


It's like some opposite version of political correctness where you can call somebody whatever you want because they feel respected ahead of time.

"Hey Murp Murp, hold the grandkid."

"Sure!"


and where do these names come from?  Is it like picking out a name for the baby itself?  Are there arguments and discussions?

Father: Let's tell her that Dad's name is "Poppy."

Mother: No I want him to be called "Dabby Doo."

Father: I HATE THAT!

Mother: I WANT A DIVORCE!

Father: WE AREN'T MARRIED!


Sometimes in a workplace you don't know exactly what to call your supervisor.  "Boss?"  Too bossy-sounding.  Plus a lot of professional work environments have more than one supervisor that you are responsible to.  That would be the ideal scenario to start making up fake names.

Employee #1: Is Dip Dap here yet?

Employee #2: No Dip Dap is on vacation this week.  We get Goober Boober instead.

Employee #1: Oh I like Goober Boober.

Employee #2: Why do we call her Goober Boober?

Employee #1: I don't know, somebody named her that and then got fired.

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