Old People Jogging

I apologize in advance to any old people reading this as well as joggers/runners in general but I cannot deny that my principle source of humor lately has been misfortune happening to old men that are actively in the process of failing at jogging.

Here is an incomplete list of their hypothetical failures:

- Slipping and falling down on ice and then getting up and running again real quick like it didn't happen

- a loose dog runs over and bites you

- Someone yells something from a passing car, like "Yo Rocky!" or else "You crappy old fool!"

- Someone sees you coming and sarcastically puts up a line of police tape between two telephone poles

- Wet cement  (STUCK all of a sudden)

- Running in a cemetery and you injure your leg or groin trying to leapfrog a tombstone

- Senile, forgot to put on your jogging shorts

- You look up at a shooting star and then BAM a car hits you

- You see your elderly ex-wife jogging from the other direction so you change course and it totally fucks up your intended route

- You pass a lemonade stand but have forgotten to carry any money with you

- You pass a lemonade stand and the children start whipping lemons at you

- You jump a shark


Don't get me started on old people riding bikes.  All with the damn inappropriate helmets and neon colors and shit. Get that out.


Here is an example of an elderly person who is also God.

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Starburst problem!

I keep a dish of Starbursts candy on my coffee table.  I find the spectrum of wrapper colors to be eye-appealing, and the taste sensation delights my various guests and service repairmen.  There is no square juicier than a Starburst.

Problem, though.  No one ever takes a yellow/lemon one.  So there is this huge backlog.

First of all I do not want to eat the yellow ones EITHER, but I do want equal color and flavor DISTRIBUTION.  So what to do?

(How do other smart people solve these PROBLEMS?  If you're Chinese get back at me.)

My initial thought was to unwrap all of the Starbursts and then re-wrap them in the wrong-colored paper.  I would do so wearing sanitary rubber gloves, and only I would hold the secret answer key.  Imagine the look on a friend or visiting clergyman's face when they unwrap what they THINK is going to be delicious cherry and then it's terrible lemon instead.  That would be so funny.  Also a great conversation starter.  "This reminds me of something God told me once..."

But who in HELL has time for all that wrapping and unwrapping?  Even God himself does not, and He is everywhere at all times.

So then my next thought was to take all the lemon Starbursts out of the house with me and just start leaving them places, all completely fresh and individually wrapped.  Would people EAT them?  Imagine somebody trying to make that DECISION.

Some diabetic or whatever all like, "Well, they ARE yellow, but they're also free."

So I figure leave a neat and tidy 6-pack of yellow Starbursts at the laundromat, the part of the Post Office where no one is looking, restaurant exits where the patrons are likely to be too cheap to PAY for a proper dessert, etc.  Then you go back the next day and see if they are still there.  Could be qute the interesting sociological study.

"Who left exactly 6 Starbursts in the Victoria's Secret dressing room?  Five yellow, one orange.  WHO?"

I don't think something like that would be classified as a CRIME, but who cares?  It feels just as good.

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Stevie Wonder can't see ghosts

Do blind people WORRY about that?  Or does it cancel out?

"I didn't see you, you didn't see me."

I bet Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder encountered each other and had friendly conversations multiple times in life.  I also bet they accidentally snubbed each other a lot.  Like at a reception somewhere, waiting in line at the urinal.  Stevie has no idea that RAY CHARLES is behind him.  and Ray can't tell that it's Stevie, he can only listen for when he's done.

Blind people are said to have extra-great hearing.  I wonder if that is more of a blessing or a curse when in a public restroom?


Newest fake dialogue: Stevie Wonder is visited by the spooky GHOST of Ray Charles:

Stevie: I sense a presence.

Ray Charles Ghost: I just called to say I'm dead.

Stevie: Ha, good one Ray.  What is it like being dead and a ghost?  Do they let you SEE?

Ray Charles Ghost: Yeah but they make you look at some terrible stuff at first.  It's like new-guy-that-can-see hazing.

Stevie: Man, should I be worried?

Ray Charles Ghost: Naw you are gonna get to SEE, man.  It's the best!  The up-close underside of a cow is pretty bad, though.

Stevie: Yeah I always wondered.

Ray Charles Ghost: They also made me look at a lot of girls in magazines.

Stevie: Oh how were they?

Ray Charles Ghost: Ehh, they all look alike.

***Rick James Ghost APPEARS***

Rick James Ghost: Boo.

Stevie: I sense ANOTHER presence.  Who are you?

Rick James Ghost: I am Rick James, sir.

Ray Charles Ghost: Rick James?!?  You ain't blind, get out!

Rick James Ghost: No.

Stevie: Hey Rick James, you probably saw a LOT of bad stuff while you had eyesight and were alive.  What was the worst thing EVER?

Rick James: a sunset.

Stevie: Really?

Rick James: Not the kind you're thinking of.  It's a thing the other guys make you stare at in prison.

Stevie: Oh.

...

Stevie: What is it?

...

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Veal: Can't we just fake it?

Most people enjoy the delicious taste of veal.  Most people also abhor cruelty to animals.

Isn't there a happy medium somewhere?

Think of Chicken McNuggets.  Definitely Mc.  Definitely Nuggets.  But also not chicken.  and nobody cares!  Do that with veal, I say.

Snooty waiter in a restaurant all like "What can I get for you, majeure?" (That was supposed to be "Monsieur" but I was too lazy to look up the spelling.)

So then the guy is like "I will have the veal" and the snoot is like "Bon appeTITS, sir" (oh wow it's off topic but IS that something people ever say about a woman that's well-stacked?  How magically juxtaposed to veal that is.  See?  Writing is awesome.)

But then the snooty waiter also has to say, "Just so you know, there is no actual cow meat in thi..."

and then the patron sticks his fingers in his ears all like "LA LA LA LA LA LA DON'T WANNA KNOW DON'T WANNA KNOW.  IT'S NOT AN ANIMAL, IT'S JUST MCNUGGETS."

"Very good, majoor, and your dipping sauce of choice?"

"Buffalo wing, duh."

It's just... McNuggets.

Moo.

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Why are ducks such jerks in cartoons?

Also how come cartoon ducks cannot fly?  Donald Duck used to become so ANGRY when people liked Mickey Mouse better.  Instead of having a temper tantrum he should have been like "Oh yeah?  Look at what I can do that you CAN'T, stupid jerk MOUSE" and then flown away all calmly.  Mickey Mouse all dissed, taking it out on the other characters.

"I AM MICKEY GOD DAMN MOUSE."

"Yeah, we know.  You also cannot fly."

"F!"


Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck used to argue a lot.  Bugs seemed to always come out on top.  Daffy is/was a duck.  Ducks can fly, rabbits cannot.  So imagine a typical scene where Bugs at FIRST outwits Daffy and then Daffy says "Take THIS!" and starts flying into the air and then poops bird poop all over Bugs Bunny's head.  I cannot think of a prank that would allow Bugs to ever top that.  I guess he could seduce Daffy's wife, but even then, there would be weird animal genitalia issues.


So to get back to my original point, WHY ARE CARTOON DUCKS NEVER RESPECTED AS PEACEFUL ANIMAL CITIZENS?  Ever see REAL ducks?  THEY ARE SO NICE AND KIND AND AFRAID OF THINGS AND NEVER BOTHER ANYONE.


Does Daffy Duck ever "quack?"  What does it sound like when he burps?

Mickey Mouse is with Minnie.  Are they married or what?

OR WHAT?  Imagine if he got her pregnant.  How many babies do mice give birth to at a time?  I'm really asking.

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Dear all mattress salesmen: CALM DOWN

They never address pee stains.  I don't pee in my bed and I bet most other people don't either but shouldn't that be a major selling point when you are trying to get somebody to buy an expensive MATTRESS?  Some people have incorrect bladders.  I am in no position to tell you how to do your job but seek them out and take advantage, mattress salesman.

(Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you?)

When you "test out" a mattress you should get to jump up and down on top of it.  I never see anybody doing that.  How come?  That would be such a cool first date, even though it would be recklessly presumptuous.

Imagine you are the salesman and someone asks you "Does this particular mattress make a lot of noise during sex?"  Then you say, "I don't know, I'll look it up on the computer."

One thing (ONE) that would be awesome would be mattress FIGHTS.  Kind of like pillow fights but you'd have to be way stronger.  Imagine whacking someone with a mattress in a good natured way.  What would the other person say?  Certainly not "OW!"  Mattresses do not hurt, that's the whole point of them.

Probably what you would say would be "I cannot believe that somebody just hit me with a MATTRESS.  Excuse me now, I have to go pee."

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Can you flunk charm school?

I never went.  Too bad.  There are lots of girls there, I heard.

Charm school, or "finishing school," as it's called in the Dirty South, is different from regular school in that you learn things that you might actually use in life.

You GOT to learn good manners, such as how to walk with a book on top of your head and how to daintily open a bag of potato chips without using your teeth.

Do the charm school students party on weekends?  If so, is there still an emphasis on etiquette?  Two girls politely assist a third in performing a kegstand in a manner in which her skirt does not slip past the knee.

SOME ladies go to truck driving school.  Do they get taught special trucker manners?

"Always pass the ketchup at the truck stop with your LEFT hand."

"No catty chatter on the CB."


Charm school student mudflap:

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