Golf

Golfers are known for having a strict code of honor, much like knights. Any disagreement on the course is settled like gentlemen. There is no whacking someone in the head with the club. The code forbids it. In fact all sports that are played with weapons seem to be big on etiquette. (Baseball, hunting, fencing, etc.)

Another similarity to knights is that participants seem to enjoy wearing ridiculous costumes. Except while knights wear a suit of ARMOR, golfers wear plaid pants instead. Totally understandable as a suit of armor would be useless in golf (again, there's no hitting with the clubs) and would in fact hamper your performance. Then again if EVERYBODY wore them it could become it's own thing. Like when people box in the inflatable ring with giant gloves at the fair. (Do real boxers ever try that? I bet they dominate.) Also I guess there's no proof that the knights don't have plaid pants on underneath.

The best thing you can achieve in golf is a hole-in-one. It is also one of the rarest things you can pull off in all of sports, right behind a perfect game in baseball and water skiiers that hit a buoy but just keep on going.

One all-time famous golfer was Jack Nicklaus. His nickname was "The Golden Bear." Because when you think of an animal that would be good at golf, naturally you think of a bear. Anyway this has been problematic because whenever he makes a public appearance a bunch of kids show up expecting to see this guy:


They start crying, and he has to cheer them up with some funny stories. Fortunately another thing Jack Nicklaus is known for is telling funny stories. Unfortunately all of his funny stories are about golf.

Jack Nicklaus is also good at telling SPOOKY stories, such as while on camping trips.

(Those stories are also about golf.)

MINIATURE golf is fun, but don't ever play it if you're a midget. a news van will pull up with a camera and selfish intentions.

Well that's about all there is to be said about golf. If you want to know more you can watch the Golf Channel. Call your cable operator. or you can just go up to a bunch of guys playing golf at the park and start asking them questions. That's what I did.

Cycling

The most corrupt of sports.

How come people that like to ride bicycles invariably turn out to be liars and cheaters? Where is the connection? It's like if people that liked to play frisbee always turned out to be arsonists or spouse-abusers.

If you don't know what I'm talking about there is this guy named FLOYD LANDIS (yes his parents had nine months to think up a name and decided on "Floyd") that has disgraced, and intends to continue to disgrace, the world of cycling.

Mr. Landis won the Tour de France in 2006. Then they checked his urine and saw a bunch of microscopic He-man action figures floating around in it. He was promptly disqualified. Like everyone that cheats at sports, he then proceeded to vehemently defend himself, making wild accusations about urine tampering. He filed lawsuits, professed his innocence to the media like every single day, got caught HACKING COMPUTER RECORDS, appealed the verdicts of all the failed lawsuits, and generally behaved as if he was the most wronged man on the face of the earth.

So then of course the other day he says "Okay I admit I took tons of steroids for like my entire career BUT EVERYBODY ELSE DOES IT TOO!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Many of you reading this probably enjoy riding a bicycle. I urge you NOT to become part of the corruption. Turn away from bicycle drug culture.

Some better ways to enhance your bike-riding experience:

- Baseball card in the spokes

- Shiny new bell

- Wheelies

- Sweet jumps

- E.T. in a basket

- Queen "Bicycle Race" on your iPod

- Riding through puddles

- Pretending to be Dutch

- Bicycle license plate like you used to get from Honey Comb cereal

- STREAMERS

- Paper routes

- Alcohol

The Golden Girls

Ain't too many of 'em left. The chances of a reunion special are growing slimmer by the day. It can't be too cool when you are remembered for playing an old lady on cheesy 80s television and then look at a calendar and notice that it's 2010. Damn.

So let's address the Golden Girls individually.


PART ONE: THE LIVING

Betty White played "Rose." Man, what is up with Betty White lately? Stop SWEARING at everybody! and why is she still working? Out of cash? Like Gary Coleman and other 80s has-beens? Gotta be a Wal-mart in her neighborhood that will pay her to die with dignity. The comeback has peaked, girl. Quit while you're ahead. Nobody wants to see you singing a duet with William Hung in a Geico ad, or whatever's coming next. Thank you for being a friend, now GET OUT.

Rue McClanahan played "Blanche." As I'm sure everyone recalls, Blanche was a big ho-bag. But she owned the house so the others had to put up with it. She was awfully discreet though, I gotta say. I never saw any dudes poking their heads out of the bedroom during the nightly cheesecake binges. "Hey, can I have some?"


PART TWO: THE DEAD

Estelle Getty played "Sophia." In casting an 80-year-old woman, NBC decided to actually hire a 60-year-old woman and put her under a wig. I think they did this because the old ladies on "Night Court" kept dying and they didn't want any more deaths on NBC's watch. Shrewd. For awhile the Sophia character lived in a retirement home, but since audiences might consider that to be cruel the producers had the retirement home burn down and scripted her to share a bedroom with her 55-year-old daughter instead. I guess there were no other retirement homes in FLORIDA. Oh well, at least she had her own bed (I think).

Bea "Butch" Arthur played "Dorothy." The 55-year-old daughter in question. Man you know you are a winner in life when you're 55 years old and in addition to not having your own apartment you don't even have your own BEDROOM. and what was with her bumbling ex-husband showing up at the house every other day? Get a restraining order, lady. Bea Arthur, the actress, was of course best known for looking like a man. and talking like a man. But in spite of persistent rumors, she was a 100% heterosexual female. Science has documented it. I think the reason the Golden Girls always hung out in a group of three, however, is that neither of the other two wanted to be spotted alone with Dorothy.


Blanche and Dorothy are out to dinner and some ex-boyfriend happens by...

Ex: Oh hey Blanche, long time no see! Who's your, um, companion?

Blanche: Oh, uhh, this is Dorothy. My...friend.

Dorothy: ROOMMATE, actually.

*manly handshake*


Bea Arthur died a short while back. Everyone was sad except for hardcore Star Wars fans, who never forgave her for singing the Cantina song in the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special.

Clean up that oil spill

It is bad for the environment.

You see oil and water do not mix. It is a miracle of nature, first demonstrated by Jesus.

Oil is transported in trains and boats because planes are not strong enough. The problem is they put too much oil in the tank of the boat at once. So then when it spills it alllllll spills. They should do it more like eggs where the oil is in twelve different cups.

So anyway when the oil spills it doesn't mix in. It floats to the shore and birds get dirty. Beaches have to be closed. a lot of lifeguards get laid off and resort to gambling and alcoholism.

Nerdy little environmentalists are very much opposed to oil spills. But so are rich, heartless oil tycoons. It is one of few subjects on which those two groups agree. There should be an oil spill "summit." That would be fun because everybody would get along and instead of arguing they could just eat Mexican food and try to talk to girls (other things everybody agrees on).

How can we stop oil spills? I think everybody just has to be careful. Personally I have never spilled oil, and I'm not so great so I don't see why other people have so many problems. I spill beer a lot but that is inexpensive and easy to clean up.

If one of the oil tycoons spilled beer at the summit party I would definitely make a comment, though. or at least a "no you di-int" face.

Bigfoot

What's the matter with you? Quit hiding.

The LEGEND of Bigfoot goes as follows:

a big hairy ape-looking guy was in the woods.

Hence extreme fascination. DOES HE EXIST? Bigfoot is not alleged to have massacred anybody. He don't eat cattle. He doesn't stalk suckas. The legacy of Bigfoot is that he hangs out peacefully somewhere in the Pacific Northwest.

It is a much different lifestyle than that of Bigfoot, the famous monster truck. That's right FAMOUS MONSTER TRUCK. Who drives it? Nobody knows. But the truck lives a much different lifestyle than the monster. While the monster enjoys the quiet solitude of the wilderness, the truck hangs out in big loud auditoriums with lots of explosions and screaming people. So you can see where they got the name.

The truck has also had the honor of being inducted into the Monster Truck Hall of Fame. Is.....someone else.....in the Monster Truck Hall of Fame? and how do you induct a truck properly? Did people clap? If so I bet the truck appreciated it.

It's 2010 now, and everyone has a camera in their phone. You can snap photos of everything all the time. Yet Bigfoot sightings don't seem to be reported too much anymore. and I'm talking about the ape again, not the truck. If you have a picture of the truck on your phone, I don't want to see it. Well maybe if it's a blurry picture of the truck in the woods running over trees I will take a look at it. But anyway how come no more Bigfoot sightings? Not as interesting as celebrity nipples I guess. The bar has been raised.

Finally I would like to point out that "Bigfoot" is not a good name. Every part of him is big, not just his foot. The name "Bigfoot" would be better suited to some weird kid in homeroom that is normal sized but has one really big foot, like 13 inches. and then the other foot is normal. People would be like "Do you know Bigfoot?" "Yeah, Bigfoot's cool. We got high." "Cool, man."

"Bigfoot took my sister to the prom..."

"She didn't put out, though."