The Golden Girls

Ain't too many of 'em left. The chances of a reunion special are growing slimmer by the day. It can't be too cool when you are remembered for playing an old lady on cheesy 80s television and then look at a calendar and notice that it's 2010. Damn.

So let's address the Golden Girls individually.


PART ONE: THE LIVING

Betty White played "Rose." Man, what is up with Betty White lately? Stop SWEARING at everybody! and why is she still working? Out of cash? Like Gary Coleman and other 80s has-beens? Gotta be a Wal-mart in her neighborhood that will pay her to die with dignity. The comeback has peaked, girl. Quit while you're ahead. Nobody wants to see you singing a duet with William Hung in a Geico ad, or whatever's coming next. Thank you for being a friend, now GET OUT.

Rue McClanahan played "Blanche." As I'm sure everyone recalls, Blanche was a big ho-bag. But she owned the house so the others had to put up with it. She was awfully discreet though, I gotta say. I never saw any dudes poking their heads out of the bedroom during the nightly cheesecake binges. "Hey, can I have some?"


PART TWO: THE DEAD

Estelle Getty played "Sophia." In casting an 80-year-old woman, NBC decided to actually hire a 60-year-old woman and put her under a wig. I think they did this because the old ladies on "Night Court" kept dying and they didn't want any more deaths on NBC's watch. Shrewd. For awhile the Sophia character lived in a retirement home, but since audiences might consider that to be cruel the producers had the retirement home burn down and scripted her to share a bedroom with her 55-year-old daughter instead. I guess there were no other retirement homes in FLORIDA. Oh well, at least she had her own bed (I think).

Bea "Butch" Arthur played "Dorothy." The 55-year-old daughter in question. Man you know you are a winner in life when you're 55 years old and in addition to not having your own apartment you don't even have your own BEDROOM. and what was with her bumbling ex-husband showing up at the house every other day? Get a restraining order, lady. Bea Arthur, the actress, was of course best known for looking like a man. and talking like a man. But in spite of persistent rumors, she was a 100% heterosexual female. Science has documented it. I think the reason the Golden Girls always hung out in a group of three, however, is that neither of the other two wanted to be spotted alone with Dorothy.


Blanche and Dorothy are out to dinner and some ex-boyfriend happens by...

Ex: Oh hey Blanche, long time no see! Who's your, um, companion?

Blanche: Oh, uhh, this is Dorothy. My...friend.

Dorothy: ROOMMATE, actually.

*manly handshake*


Bea Arthur died a short while back. Everyone was sad except for hardcore Star Wars fans, who never forgave her for singing the Cantina song in the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special.